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My uncle had to retire as a gynecologist back in 2009.                                     He was starting to get Tunnel Vision

In bed last night I got the distinct impression my wife had stopped breathing.

A quick check revealed she hadn't and I needed to hold the pillow down tighter.

 

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

 

Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. So that pushes women down to third place.

 

Accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day    --  My trial starts on Monday.

 

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman.                                             The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

 

My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met.         I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

 

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances..                              Well, she’s in for a shock.

 

"Now class, put your hands up if you know anything about police officers."  "You only have to put one hand up, Leroy."

 

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.          If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

 

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A woman and a man were involved in car accident.

It was a  bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars were badly damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of ... cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." 

Then she handed the bottle over to the man.
The man nodded his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
(drunk driver's offence)

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn !

Women will Never change!!!

 

Two Things That Won’t Be Going Home to England This Year

 

6 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Two Things That Won’t Be Going Home to England This Year

 

the one on the left is arguable (as is whether anyone gives a 4x), but the one on the right is never "home" in England, thank you.

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Poor old Elsie

She had been repeatedly warned not to clean the time machine.