"Daddy," said the little girl. "May I have a computer for Christmas, please?"

"I'm sorry, darling, not at the moment, your mum and I have a pile of heavy bills and our new car is costing us heaps of money each month."

The following spring, the little girl asked her father again for a computer for her birthday,

but he repeated what he had told her before. A week later, early in the morning Dad sees his daughter leaving the house with a suitcase in her hand.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm leaving," said the little girl. "Last night I was walking past your room when I heard you telling Mum you were pulling out and I heard her telling you to wait because she was coming too."

"So there's no way I'm staying here to cope with all the bills on my own with no computer."
 

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58 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

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I don't get the point, you must be takin the Pifs.

On 3/3/2021 at 7:47 PM, fangless said:

I am most sorry to ask but what does son of a "b****" mean?

Is the the son of a b**** a b**** or do you meant to really insult me and say he/she/it was/is a b****.  If so you really are the son of b****.

 

Please reply without <deleted> it up!

 

A reply that went over my head like a shooting star...

Awaiting a response. 

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.

She ended up buying far more than she needed.

When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.

As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.

She could hardly control herself.

After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.

The young man willingly obliged.

As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.

To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that they would grant them one last request before they were beheaded.

 

The CNN reporter said "well I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with fries."

The leader nodded to an underling, who then returned with a burger and fries. The reporter ate it and said "now I can die."

 

The BBC reporter said "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the very end."

 

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said "now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end."

 

The ISIS leader then turned to the Israeli commando and said "And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the butt," said the soldier.

 

"What?" asked the leader, "will you mock us in the your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Israeli.

 

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from under his flak jacket and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out a carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all the terrorists were dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him "why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?"

 

"What?" replied the Israeli, "and have you report that I was the aggressor?"

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Dentists..............

Does it hurt luv?

Never mind i'll save ye some Pizza!

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No you <deleted> can’t

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free. "I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

A Geordie lad starts chatting up a young lass at the local swimming pool whilst in at the deep end.

“Are you flirting?” she asks.

“Nur pet, a’v got one foot on the bottom”

The one who invented the 'Knock Knock' jokes...
Definitely deserves a 'No Bell' prize!!

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.
I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

I’ve just raised £12,000 for the NHS.

I had to park my car overnight at the hospital.