7 minutes ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

My wife left me for an electrician.

 

He promised her the earth...

I bet that left you feeling negative.

2 hours ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

My wife left me for an electrician.

 

He promised her the earth...

 

Shocking and she used to be such a live wire too!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have just spent a month riding through the desert, after escaping from a canyon full of Indians.

Eventually, they come across Prickly Gulch Creek where they go into the saloon for a much-needed drink. They've only been in there a few minutes when a man runs in asking if anyone owns a big white horse.

"That's mine," replies the Lone Ranger. "Is there anything wrong?"

"Sure is, the animal's collapsed," said the man.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto go outside to see poor Silver lying prostrate on the ground, but after giving him some water he seems to revive a bit. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and says, "Will you just run around him for a few minutes so he can feel a breeze? That'll soon put him right."

Tonto starts to run around Silver while the Lone Ranger goes back inside to finish his drink.

A moment later, another man rushes in asking who owns the white horse outside.

"Bloody hell!" says the Lone Ranger. "That's mine, now what's wrong?"

"Oh, your horse is alright," says the man,

 

"it's just that you've left your injun running."

*
 

When Dorothy was expecting twins she interrupted a burglary and got shot twice in the stomach. Fortunately, the babies were delivered safely but the bullets were never recovered. Seventeen years went by, when one day her daughter came to her in great distress.

"Oh, Mum, I've just been to do a wee and out popped a bullet." Dorothy told her it was nothing to worry about and explained what had happened all those years ago. A little later she caught sight of her son, sitting down with his head in his hands. She went up to him, put her arms round his shoulders and said, "Don't worry, I think I can guess what happened. You went to the toilet and a bullet came out."

"Oh no, Mum, it wasn't like that. I was “playing with myself” and I shot the dog."
 

Mum arrived back from staying overnight with her mother and asked her daughter if everything had been alright.

"Oh, yes," said little Anne. "Dad took me to the fair and I had some candy floss and an ice-cream. It was great. But last night, I had a tummy ache, so I went to look for Daddy and he was in the au pair's room and he was in her bed and..."

"Stop," said Mum, beside herself with anger. "I want your Daddy to hear this."

When Dad came in, Anne repeated her story while Mum looked on, beside herself with rage.

"Tell us what they were doing!" she demanded.

 

"The same thing that you and the man from next door were doing last week, Mum," she replied.

I'm not saying he was Scottish but;-

One more time:

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