Ads that will never run again....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Married life!
One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

A soap factory had a problem.
They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. Six months, and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.

However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."

A beer bottle sits down next to a mirror.

A beer bottle starts talking to the mirror.

"If you break me, you'll get 1 year of bad luck!"

The mirror replies, "Are you kidding? thats nothing, with me you get 7 years of bad luck!"

Then they hear a bunch of laughter from behind them. Turning around, they find themselves looking at a condom.

A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the hell up north!)

What? The job's in Sudbury he asks?

No, it's here. That's just the end of the line.

A station wagon was driven in reverse and accidently runs into the Armor Hot Dog car.  The driver exits and says to the driver of the Armor Hot Dog car, "Damn is that all you can put up my rear"......

Happy Mothers Day

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Last night I told my wife I was feeling horny.

"Well, we can soon sort that out," she said with a wink, and slowly undressed.

buck me, she was right...

I stopped feeling horny immediately!

I’ve got a portrait of Diana Ross that I want to hang above my door but it’s proving difficult as there ain’t no mounting high enough...

20 hours ago, fangless said:

Snot a very kind comment!

I nose it's not