Jennifer, a manager at a local Tesco, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.'
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It is hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shat myself..'
Wally is now working at a Tesco near you!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the cr@p out of a ghost.'

I  tried explaining to my 4 year old nephew that its perfectly normal to accidently poop your pants.
But he's still making fun of me.

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?" The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that ****ed the lion up the ar5e?" The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

I went out with a woman who made moonshine.  

She treated me badly - but I loved her still.

Took my son out for his first pint today.

Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same was with the Cider and Guinness...

By the time we got to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram!

18 hours ago, ravip said:

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
– 

 

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– 

 

Wife inspires us to great things and prevent us from achieving them.
– 

 

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
– 

 

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
-

 

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– 

 

When you are in love,
wonders happen.
But once you get married, you wonder, what happened.
- 

 

And the best one is…

Marriage is a beautiful forest where Brave Lions are killed by Beautiful Deers.
-

 

'Marriage is the only battle in the world where the combatants share a bed'.
  -

How is the wife?

Bob comes home well drunk and falls into bed.  Wakes up at the Pearly Gates. Tells St Peter its too early for him to die and he wants to go back.

St Peter says you can only go back as a chicken. Ok says Bob if I can be a chicken in my own back yard.  St Peter says ok.

Bob finds himself covered in feathers walking around his back yard.  He gets a strange feeling and suddenly lays an egg. While he is admiring the egg he hears his wife shouting

what are you doing? You've just s--t the bed.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

 

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

 

Fetching my coat...

What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

 

I Sprayed my Car...

 

1 minute ago, tifino said:

I Sprayed my Car...

 

 

I have definitely owned cars like this.

I slept with my wife's sister.
I feel awful
I think she gave me a cold.

 

 

I was stood in the queue for the barbers this morning. The line just kept getting longer and longer. Eventually the owner came out and started handing out hot dogs, burgers and chicken wings.

It was the best barber queue ever!!

For sale:
The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.
Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

Astrology: because billions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let people know that they'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."

It was fancy dress night at my old local and I went in dressed as William Shakespeare.

The landlord took one look at me and said, "You're Bard".

 

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

 

She looks like my first wife ...

So I said to my wife "Would you like a Kit-Kat Chunky?"

Over five hours in A&E...