I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

"Right there... "

 

and zoomed in... 

 

 

but it stands in good company...

 

 

 

 

24 minutes ago, tomazbodner said:

Okay, what am I missing here?

8 minutes ago, mahjongguy said:

Okay, what am I missing here?

Thank God I'm not the only one. ????

1 hour ago, GarryP said:

Thank God I'm not the only one. ????

+1

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: It was dead.

On leave from the military, three soldiers were traveling through the countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they spotted a farmhouse nearby.
The farmer let them in and they noticed his three beautiful daughters. One had enormous breasts, one had just average sized ones, and one had no breasts at all, only nipples.
"May we have sex with your daughters?," one of the soldiers asked.

"No," said the farmer.

Joan: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Laura: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Joan: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Laura: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Joan: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Laura: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Jim: Haircut?

Ed: Yeah.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.

--

A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender "What's with the money?" the bartender replies "We're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. Then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar." "Ah what the hell. Let's give it a try," says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. "First" says the bartender, "you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. Second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. You have to pull out the sore tooth. Third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. You have to have sex with her. ok?" "Fine" says the man. The bartender gives him the glass of tequila. The man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender hears lots of yelling and barking. When the man comes back, he is all shredded up. He asks "Ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?"

--

 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in   the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an  hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?"   they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess  nuts boasting in an open foyer."

--

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. 

9 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

 

8 hours ago, mahjongguy said:

Okay, what am I missing here?

 

8 hours ago, GarryP said:

Thank God I'm not the only one. ????

 

6 hours ago, fangless said:

+1

 

I guess that dogs pee on things to establish their ownership.

 

KIV - this is the "Worst joke ever" thread.

6 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

KIV - this is the "Worst joke ever" thread.

 

To be honest, some do their utter best to remain within the guidelines ????

What's the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp?

One you lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.

--

Small Room Jokes

• My room is so small, when I close the door, the doorknob gets in bed with me.

• My room is so small, all the rats have hunchbacks.

• My room is so small, I have to go outside to change my mind.

--

Ever hear about the lady who had a dog with no legs?

Every morning she'd take it for a drag around the block.

When my wife told me about the dentist being shut due to Covid,

I had to brace myself.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labour. "Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

My son just told me that Jim Morrison sucked, so I sent him to his room.

I've repeatedly warned him about slamming the Doors.