1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I'm sorry to be negative, but I can't remain static at my computer all day.  Got to charge off and fix the shock absorbers on my wife's VoltsWagon, or I'll be met with resistance when I ask her for my lunch.  She's even threatening to lock me in my own ohm if I don't do it.  Hopefully it's just a phase she's going through, or I'll be grounded.

I nearly blew a fuse when I read your latest positive earthy response as I thought you had already run out of juice but I obviously got my wires crossed.  I would make an extended plug of my latest reply  but I can't find any change for the meter.

It is the conference season and three dentists and three bankers find themselves together at the railway ticket office. The dentists each buy a ticket but the bankers buy one between them.

"How are you all going to travel on one ticket?" ask the dentists.

"You'll see," they reply.

On boarding the train, the dentists take their seats but the bankers all cram into the one toilet. The conductor comes round shouting "Tickets please!", knocks on the toilet door and a ticket is passed to him.

The dentists are impressed and decide to do the same on the return journey. They only buy one ticket, but to their amazement the bankers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How come?" ask the dentists.

"You'll see," the bankers reply.

They all got on to the same train, the three dentists crammed into one toilet, the three bankers get into another.

A few minutes later, one of the bankers leaves his toilet, knocks on the other toilet door and shouts,

 

"Tickets please!"
 

Walking through the village, the local vicar spotted young Billy with a herd of Bullocks.

"There's a fine-looking herd," he remarked.

"Yeah," replied Billy. "There Bullocks, Me dad made 'em."

"Oh no, son," said the vicar, "God made those Bullocks."

"No, vicar I’m sorry but ," said Billy.

 

"God made them Bulls, Dad made them Bullocks."
 

"Ladies and gentlemen," announced the airline pilot, "due to a loss of power in one of our four engines, we will now land in San Francisco an hour late. Our apologies for any inconvenience caused."

Five minutes later, he made another announcement.

"A second engine has failed, but please be assured that the plane can fly on the two remaining engines. It will just mean a further delay of another thirty minutes."

Then later still, he made a third announcement.

"Due to the failure of a third engine, we will now be landing at San Francisco three hours later than scheduled."

At this point, one of the passengers exclaimed loudly, "Let's hope we don't lose the fourth engine, otherwise we'll be up here all bleeding night."
 

"What's wrong, Miss?" asked the kindly policeman when he saw the girl crying.

"A thief has just stolen £20 I had hidden in my knickers," she sobbed.

"Did you try to stop him?"

"I didn't know he was only after my money."
 

I thought "Coq au Vin" was love in a lorry.

5 minutes ago, ravip said:

I thought "Coq au Vin" was love in a lorry.

Only when you make a meal of it!

All the funnier for being true.

 

 

I received a brown envelope through the door this morning that said 'Do not bend!'

I thought, "How am I going to pick that up then?"

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra on telly last night,

when suddenly the guy on the triangle disappeared.

I've just sold my entire collection of Sooty and Sweep puppets.

Someone is paying me £200 to take them off my hands.

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit flustered, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he conferred with Mary, his wife.

It was hard to make the decision, but finally his wife agreed.

“T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said. “The wife says it’s okay. I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.  

 

 

 

My wife was going through her wardrobe today and said to me "look, it still fits me after 25 years".

"It's a bloody scarf" I said back.

6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

All the funnier for being true.

 

 

You can always count on them to win!

1 minute ago, ballpoint said:

I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.  

I was wondering where did he hang his paint pot?