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....................................Diving specialists

 

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A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says,

"Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the ****ing subject!"

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday
by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast
had been included had she wanted it. 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” she said.
”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I
didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50.00.”
“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Last night I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink…

I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen!

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

When I was a teenager my parents encouraged me to buy more books...

I preferred to splash out on magazines though!

I'll never forget the day I met my wife at a Fancy Dress party.

She was stood there looking gorgeous and slim next to her fat mate.

They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...

I knew then, she was the one!