Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled?

 

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

My canoe was cold, I tried to warm it up by lighting a fire inside it, but it sank.

 

I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

 I met a criminal with a bounty on his head.

 

That was a weird place to keep "Moist, tender coconut covered with a thick, smooth chocolate coating".

 

 

And, don't get me started on Cadbury's Flake ...

 

11 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I thought you had to be stoned to go and watch them!

13 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Oh well we can all wish it well!

8 hours ago, Zyxel said:

I'll start with "What do you use that big whole for Mummy?

Is this type of steering lock only found in Liverpool?

An overweight woman was put on a diet by her doctor. He said: ‘I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time you come to me, you should have lost seven pounds.’ 
 When the woman returned two weeks later, she had lost 19 pounds. The doctor was dumbfounded. ‘Did you follow my instructions?’ he asked. 
 ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘but I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.’ ‘From hunger, you mean?’ 

 ‘No, from skipping.’ 
 

 A zookeeper needed some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to write a letter. But unfortunately he didn’t know the plural of ‘mongoose’. 
 He started the letter: ‘To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese.’ But that didn’t sound right, so he tried again. ‘To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses.’ But that didn’t sound right either. Then he had an idea.

 

‘To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you’re at it, send me another one.’ 
 

What do you get when you cross:- The galaxy and a toad?

 

Star Warts. 
 

 Why didn't little Jimmy tell his mother that he ate some super glue.

 

He couldn't-His lips were sealed

 

Chat-up Line:-  • You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other women in here look really bad. 
 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in a hot oven until its bill withers.

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.