BREAKING NEWS

Police in Liverpool last night pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed, M.O.T. tested and insured. It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found. The driver was sober. He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £2,000 for wasting police time.

I was going to join the Army, but I just couldn’t see myself in camouflage.

Married men should forget their mistakes.

There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Old is when….
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

Old is when….
A sexy body on TV catches your attention and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Old is when….
“Getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking lot.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:
The daughter said to her mother. "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied. "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said. "My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied. "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. "My nose is cold."
The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said. "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother. "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said. "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies. They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

I go round to people's houses to ask them whether they would like to try a different type of bread.
I'm a Hovis witness.

Just a quick heads up,
The sign at the hospital saying "STROKE PATIENTS"
may not mean what you think.

I've had a letter telling me I can't join the local Origami group.
I don't know what to make of it.

Ikea have formed a football team. They drew with Bangkok United at the weekend.
From what I've gathered they didn't have a great team out, but they put together a fantastic bench.

The manager of my local betting shop tripped over and broke his ankle today.
Thats the way the bookie stumbles.

Prince Charles was driving his Aston into Sandringham Estate to visit his Mum, as he passed through the gates and onto the long gravel drive he accidentally ran over one of his Mums corgis.
He leapt out of the car and to his horror the poor dog was splattered all over the front wheel of his car and crushed into the gravel drive. As he stood, staring horrified at what he had done, a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
"I'm a powerful genie and I'll grant you just one wish, what shall it be?".
Charles replied;
"Can you put this poor dog back together, it's one of Mummy's favourite dogs?".
The Genie surveyed the splatted dog and shaking his head he turned to Charles and said;
"I'm sorry, even my powers can not help that dog, have another wish?"
Charles thought for a moment and said;
"Could you make Camilla good looking?"
The Genie instantly replied;
"Give us another look at that dog".

A man walks into his Doctors surgery with a car steering wheel stuck to the front of his trousers.
His Doctor looks at him in shock and says;
"My god does that hurt?"
The man replies;
"Not really, but its driving me nuts."

Me and the wife are sat at the airport.

My wife says "I wish I'd brought the television"

"Why, are you bored?" I asked.

She said "No, the passports are on top of it"

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

The manager of my local betting shop tripped over and broke his ankle today.
Thats the way the bookie stumbles.

What were the odds on that?

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Ikea have formed a football team. They drew with Bangkok United at the weekend.
From what I've gathered they didn't have a great team out, but they put together a fantastic bench.

Are Ikea top of the table or did they assemble at the chaiman's office and settle it there?

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I've had a letter telling me I can't join the local Origami group.
I don't know what to make of it.

Nobody can join as they folded without a clean balance sheet!!

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Just a quick heads up,
The sign at the hospital saying "STROKE PATIENTS"
may not mean what you think.

Do you mean it was a veterany hospital?