Happens to me....... every time !!



Kinda like when I wanna buy Diet Pepsi and I mistakenly get 1 pack of chocolate chip cookies, a Snickers and a Magnum Almond flavour.


How does this happen ??

This one is completely true !!

Honest !!




I swear on my mother in laws life !!

In celebration of our much loved partners in life [emoji51]

Sneaky boss !!



I like him !!

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife 
spotted a couple in the nearby area. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear and making it obvious what she wanted. He was not holding back either and had his hands moving all round and over her body. 
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
 

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
 

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the old man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. Yet you insisted to me only yesterday there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
"There you go grandpa," she said. "I told you I could get this joker to drop the price."

9 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I see that we are getting back on topic ...

 

An old lady comes to her doctor and says, “Doctor, you know how you told me I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?”

“Yes,” nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”

“Well I don’t know if it was such a great recommendation. All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is really exhausting!”

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

Every bloomin’ morning !!

 

"Thursday is your turn in the barrel".

If you stand on the middle one it’s more painful than childbirth !!

^{Love this thread so thought I'd add a few "Groaners"  & apologies for any repeats...}

 

^{Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died.... ... ... He pasta way}

 

You know I used to work in a shoe-recycling factory but I had to give it up... It was sole destroying

 

 

Last night my wife asked me if I could clear the table... Apparently "Well I need a running start" is not the correct answer (my bandages come off on Tuesday)

 

 

And the real groaner (1st Groan of Xmas 2019 award?) is... 

 

 

... What do Santa Elves listen to as they work

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Wrap Music ????

 

I'll get my coat before Scottie comes along...