Advice please lads

[SamuiAddict]

Hi Guys

 

Recently visited Thailand for the 3rd time, so not new to the whole thing.  And yeah, one of the reasons for visiting is the bar girl scene.  Lamai in Koh Samui is my spot and in previous visits I've bounced around different bars looking for different girls.  This time, I met one girl that I really clicked with on the first night.  Obviously I still paid her and the bar fine and we had a lot of fun.  Not all about sex, just a good time together all round.

About 6 days in she said she didn't want me to pay her anymore and I should just pay the bar fine. I kinda thought she was going to bill me at the end of the holiday, but she never asked for a penny more. I hadn't made any grand statements about a possible future or anything like that, so I don't think anything like that was in her mind - certainly not planted my me.  I'd not gone to Thailand to find a partner - I'm 32, reasonably good looking and don't struggle by any means.  But we had really started to click.  She would take loads of pics of me, of us.  Loads of pics when I was looking etc, candid shots.  She never asked me for anything, never dragged me shopping, never asked me to buy her anything - in fact she actually bought me a Thai bracelet one day. We didn't live lavishly and she regularly talked and showed me the cheaper way to live in Thailand.  She was affectionate in public, grabbed my hand everywhere we went, hugged and cuddled up to me in bars etc.

We spent 3 weeks together and I've really fallen for her.  Of all the places in the world, I fall for a girl in Thailand.  I tell her I'm going to go home, take 2 months to sort some things out, then come back and spend a few months with her.  I'm a web dev and designer and can freelance from anywhere so going to do that for bit.

Been home 48 hours and she asked me 6000 baht so she doesn't have to work in the bar anymore.  She says this is all she needs and she is going to go home to Isan until I come back in March.  I was personally going to suggest something like this anyway - I don't want her in that bar or that life and want her to be happy.  But should I be alarmed that shes asked me for money so quick - or is the modest amount nothing to be worried about, coupled with the way she was when I was there.

What do you think?
 

[Spidey]

Sounds genuine. When she goes back to Issan, make regular video calls to her, easy to check that she's actually back home that way. If the sick buffalo stories start, block her Line and forget her.

 

Bear in mind that you've had a holiday romance, they usually don't go the distance, mine did so good luck.

[SamuiAddict]

Its not something I ever planned on at all.  I wasn't looking for a girlfriend or any kind of romance.  But when you click you click I suppose - and from there.... well.  We'll see I guess.  

[OneMoreFarang]

Lots of bad stories started with a nice beginning - until the guy was cleaned out and jumped from a building.

Maybe your are lucky, but maybe not - I think it's almost impossible to be sure.

 

Maybe think about how rich she thinks you are. 5 star hotel? Expensive dinners? Maybe stories from your big house back home? All those would be obviously interesting signs for her.

 

If you are poor and if you are pretty sure she thinks you are poor then it's easier to judge what might happen.

 

In terms of behavior and being nice to you: Many of us learned that Thai girl are perfect like that - if they want to. And it's natural. Even long term expats don't know if her behavior is real or not. Personally I think in that moment it is real. But that doesn't mean the next moment real is something different...

 

Good luck!

[whiteman]

I'm 32, reasonably good looking and don't struggle by any means. So 6k should not worry you unless it is weekly. Also if she was free sex for your holidays then again 6k is nothing

[BigT73]

29 minutes ago, SamuiAddict said:

Been home 48 hours and she asked me 6000 baht so she doesn't have to work in the bar anymore. 

From what I remember the 6k is paid to the bar so she can leave. 

[Kwasaki]

Just go for it and see how it goes, keep contact and only send reasonable amounts, 6000 is reasonable, she can start some kind work at home with her family. 

Visit at her home when you holiday again if you think the relationship will continue. 

[OneMoreFarang]

4 minutes ago, BigT73 said:

From what I remember the 6k is paid to the bar so she can leave. 

That's the theory.

Most bars (all?) have something like that.

But most girls who want to leave just leave. There is no legal obligation for the girls that they have to pay.

 

If the girl wants to take a break and she wants to make sure she is welcome back to the bar maybe in a few months, then it's smart to pay. But if she never wants to work in that bar again then it's basically wasted money. And if she is pretty she will be able to get a job more or less anywhere she wants in that business.

[CharlieH]

6000 is nothing really is it, you would have happily paid more when you were together.

Just give it to her and play it along, see where it goes, if alarm bells ring you havnt lost much, good way to test the waters as you go. Just dont get drawn in to more money and remember the golden rule, NEVER give spend or invest anymore than you are prepared to walk away from.

 

Best of luck.

[thaiguzzi]

Go for it lad. I would in your shoes.

Similar story to me, except mine was out of a topless go-go bar in BKK.

19 years later, happily married, kids etc, best woman i ever met.

[SamuiAddict]

1 hour ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Maybe think about how rich she thinks you are. 5 star hotel? Expensive dinners? Maybe stories from your big house back home? All those would be obviously interesting signs for her.

No we stayed in relatively cheap hotels, ate cheaply etc. Nothing posh or expensive at all.

Thanks for the advice guys.  If nothing long term comes from it - at least it's given me the push to have bit of an extended workation (work & holiday) in a country that I really love.  If something does come from it, well.... :)

[SamuiAddict]

1 minute ago, thaiguzzi said:

Go for it lad. I would in your shoes.

Similar story to me, except mine was out of a topless go-go bar in BKK.

19 years later, happily married, kids etc, best woman i ever met.

Yeah man definitely, glad you're happy dude!

[Rc2702]

Sounds kosher could be the real deal and do you really need the "what if" going round your head for the next decade? 

[BigT73]

23 minutes ago, SamuiAddict said:

No we stayed in relatively cheap hotels, ate cheaply etc. Nothing posh or expensive at all.

Thanks for the advice guys.  If nothing long term comes from it - at least it's given me the push to have bit of an extended workation (work & holiday) in a country that I really love.  If something does come from it, well.... ????

Now the hard part is visas, being 32 its going to be a challenge there are numerous threads running now about them as Thailand is clamping down on giving out especially back to back.

[neeray]

I am truly amazed at the TVF input to date (but then this thread is still quite young). Nobody suggested that she is in it for the "long game". Nobody suggested that she is a smart one and is just playing him. Nobody suggested that he should think with his big head rather than ......... .

I have to agree that to date, money requests have been small but the attention big. I also have to agree that the regular visual contact on the "home" trip is a very good idea.

Going along with the "game" and enjoying "the ride" is fine but he's already hooked by the sounds of it. I hope he is ready for the consequences if it doesn't turn out to be "true love".

 

I know nothing about bar girls "first hand". But unlike the OP, a newbie, I have spent 4 years of reading the stories on TVF about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Buyer beware!

And good luck SamuiAddict.

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

Good luck to you fella.

As others have said 6000 isn’t gonna break the bank and by the sound of it you’ve had your money’s worth already !!

I too was smitten and it changed my life , slightly different to your story ( she worked in a restaurant, i was working , no money asked for ) but the end result was the same.
I was already lined up for retirement ( age 55 ) , came back for a month holiday to see if the spark was still there , and it was .
Moved to LOS, only bought a car 6 months later, stayed in rented for 1 1/2 years before deciding it was the real deal when I bought a house.
3 years on and still happy, no surprises ( yet ! ).

With your work flexibility it should be relatively easy for you to move around or come and go etc, only issue will be visas .

Take it slowly and don’t commit to too much too early, there’s no rush and you have your whole life ahead of you .

I wish you the best of luck.

[Hummin]

Lots of girls just waiting for the man they want, and stop being bg. No worse or better than any other girls. Some is genuin good, and some is genuin bad. Go with your brain and keep your hearth in control until you know. 

 

There is one thing, if you are not sure, you are sure! 

[SamuiAddict]

All good advice, thanks guys. Can't wait to be back now - while still keeping myself measured of course.

And don't worry, it's the head on my shoulders in control, hence the post ???? haha.

[jerojero]

Keep in mind she's working the bars to support her family and herself. Going 3 months without income waiting for your next visit, is perhaps unusual. Not a red flag but maybe serious caution. If more requests come for money over the next few months, cut her loose no matter how painful it may be. It won't stop going forward. Presume you'll be chatting often via LINE, ask her to show you her family home and village via video chat, ask how she can afford not to work for 3 or 4 months....most people can't afford that luxury. And what she expects of you when you visit in the spring. And ask if she has a child, as many Thai gals do in their teens or early 20s. Good luck. Hope it's true blue and works out.

 

 

[OneMoreFarang]

8 hours ago, neeray said:

I am truly amazed at the TVF input to date (but then this thread is still quite young). Nobody suggested that she is in it for the "long game". Nobody suggested that she is a smart one and is just playing him. Nobody suggested that he should think with his big head rather than ......... .

I have to agree that to date, money requests have been small but the attention big. I also have to agree that the regular visual contact on the "home" trip is a very good idea.

Going along with the "game" and enjoying "the ride" is fine but he's already hooked by the sounds of it. I hope he is ready for the consequences if it doesn't turn out to be "true love".

 

I know nothing about bar girls "first hand". But unlike the OP, a newbie, I have spent 4 years of reading the stories on TVF about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Buyer beware!

And good luck SamuiAddict.

I was also surprised to see basically only post looking at this in a positive way. But on the other hand also almost every post says something like: be cautious.

I guess many of us had themselves such a wonderful experience and many saw something like that with their friends. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not, and sometimes it's impossible to predict what will happen.

I guess we all like fairytales with wonderful stories and they lived happily ever after.

It happens ... 

[Curt1591]

6 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

I was also surprised to see basically only post looking at this in a positive way. But on the other hand also almost every post says something like: be cautious.

I guess many of us had themselves such a wonderful experience and many saw something like that with their friends. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not, and sometimes it's impossible to predict what will happen.

I guess we all like fairytales with wonderful stories and they lived happily ever after.

It happens ... 

That's life!

[OneMoreFarang]

21 minutes ago, jerojero said:

Keep in mind she's working the bars to support her family and herself. Going 3 months without income waiting for your next visit, is perhaps unusual. Not a red flag but maybe serious caution.

I think this is a good point. We all need money. And she worked in the bar to make money. So what will she do if she does not have that income anymore? I guess in the holiday you paid for everything so she didn't have to think about that.

I think what the OP should keep in mind is that if requests for money come that does not mean it was all planned from the start. Many Thais, bargirls included, don't think ahead. And they don't see things even if they are obvious.

I.e. she might be in love with you and maybe she decided she does not work in a bar anymore and she does not want to go with customers anymore. So she decides to go up country and think about you and wait for you.

And then, what a surprise, she runs out of money. What should she do? Work locally, maybe difficult, maybe lots of hard work for little money? Or should she work in a bar again? Or should she ask you? Difficult choices for her and maybe difficult choices for you.

[1FinickyOne]

It's truly up to you... just understand that the 6000 baht is just the beginning, and she may or may not go back to work anyway.. and, that you are not the  first one to have a story exactly like this one... my first thought is she is playing the long game...

 

But, none of that really matters - - if you want to give her money, give it to her.. just give what you want and look at it as a gift, no strings attached and you will not be disappointed. Don't be pressured, don't give more than you can easily easily easily afford - - a gift expects nothing in return... 

 

Have fun - 

[Spidey]

25 minutes ago, jerojero said:

Keep in mind she's working the bars to support her family and herself. Going 3 months without income waiting for your next visit, is perhaps unusual. Not a red flag but maybe serious caution. If more requests come for money over the next few months, cut her loose no matter how painful it may be. It won't stop going forward. Presume you'll be chatting often via LINE, ask her to show you her family home and village via video chat, ask how she can afford not to work for 3 or 4 months....most people can't afford that luxury. And what she expects of you when you visit in the spring. And ask if she has a child, as many Thai gals do in their teens or early 20s. Good luck. Hope it's true blue and works out.

 

 

I'd assumed that the 6000 baht was per month, not to pay the bar off. 6k baht to pay the bar is pretty standard, however if there is no farang involved the girl just leaves the bar without penalty. Complete con by bar owners, often the girl receives 50% of this. However, it's not a vast sum so probably worth paying to keep the peace.

 

If the girl is genuine, she will need a monthly stipend to live with her family in Issan. 10-12k baht is more than enough. However, 20k is the most common figure I've seen and have heard of people sending 40k from farang land to support girls.

OP needs to agree a sum and stick to it. Depending on her family circumstances 10k/month should be sufficient.

[samsensam]

 

if she only needs 6K to leave the bar, and she's means it, surely she can make that money herself in a couple of nights? why does she need you to pay it?

 

[Spidey]

4 minutes ago, samsensam said:

 

if she only needs 6K to leave the bar, and she's means it, surely she can make that money herself in a couple of nights? why does she need you to pay it?

 

The average bar girl earns far less than you seem to think. In a beer bar complex, they are lucky to get one customer pre week, particularly in low season. They get lady drink commission and a percentage of the bar fine but it still not a great deal. Salaries are around 6k baht per month but mamasans/owners will use every trick in the book to fine girls for this and that in order to reduce that payout. At least 50% of girls, these days, are Sie Lie girls and receive no salary. You'd be surprised how many bar girls receive less than the minimum wage on an average month. Many girls bump along from month to month with personal loans and pawning their gold.

[RoadWarrior371]

"What do you think? "

 

Lots of good ladies all over Thailand.  If she is working in a bar already, warning signs are already flashing.  In the long run you will be much happier with a non-working girl.  A college educated girl will adapt easier to living in the west, if that is your intention.  Good luck, enjoy your travels.

[jerojero]

I'd assumed that the 6000 baht was per month, not to pay the bar off. 6k baht to pay the bar is pretty standard, however if there is no farang involved the girl just leaves the bar without penalty. Complete con by bar owners, often the girl receives 50% of this. However, it's not a vast sum so probably worth paying to keep the peace.
 
If the girl is genuine, she will need a monthly stipend to live with her family in Issan. 10-12k baht is more than enough. However, 20k is the most common figure I've seen and have heard of people sending 40k from farang land to support girls.
OP needs to agree a sum and stick to it. Depending on her family circumstances 10k/month should be sufficient.

Think it may be far too early to start sending regular monthly sums, especially 20K or more. OP should build a relationship first and pay for things during his visits, but don't jump into paying her and supporting her family when so early in a relationship.

[PatOngo]

[zoza]

obviously a lot depends on the girl, and how many kids she has as that is the usual reason why she needs money, I have never seen a long distance relationship were the girl does not leave the bar scene work.

I also think that their is a lot of envy between the bar girls and I have had several friends of my then girlfriend offer their services to me, this was one girl from her village and one from Issarn, and when I politely declined

her friend from issarn phoned her up and told her I was with other girls.

despite a few rough patches we have been married 14 years now and are probably more together than ever, but her kids are all grown now so the pressure is off in the main...they are out there...and it was a struggle at

times but I do believe it was worth it.

                                                                Good luck. 

Edited December 18, 2018 by zoza