How to live with Isaan wife in respect of culture

[Elzear]

G’day,

 

I am on the way to marry a charming lady from Isaan, Bueng Kan province. I have lived some times with her and family, and I am afraid my Farang’s rational thinking is not adequate. You farang husbands married to an Isaan woman, please tell me of your experiences and above all your advices. 

I understand the intra family support system, to which I fully adhere, but I sometime feel that my place is more among the furnitures (with love of course, but maybe a certain ... Thai disdain? or is it the rational thinking here), the missus being too busy living her life in the Ban. 

I love this place, let alone its people. Easy to adapt, but the circumvolution of the indigenous mind needs some understanding.

I thank you for your feed back

[timendres]

My simple advice is to reserve any and all criticism/feedback to be between you and your wife. In other words, if the brother did something you feel needs to be addressed, politely tell your wife and let her deal with it. Also be careful not to do something that is viewed as "showing up" the family. For example, I once walked the entire property picking up all of the endless trash carelessly tossed onto the ground (filled two trash bags). Instead of the family being impressed that I helped out, they were insulted, viewing it as though I were criticizing their maintenance of the property.

[mlkik]

11 minutes ago, timendres said:

My simple advice is to reserve any and all criticism/feedback to be between you and your wife. In other words, if the brother did something you feel needs to be addressed, politely tell your wife and let her deal with it. Also be careful not to do something that is viewed as "showing up" the family. For example, I once walked the entire property picking up all of the endless trash carelessly tossed onto the ground (filled two trash bags). Instead of the family being impressed that I helped out, they were insulted, viewing it as though I were criticizing their maintenance of the property.

Issan is filthy! I have been for walks in the beautiful countryside only to see discarded rubbish every 6 feet.

Many people just throw their litter in the garden and it mounts up and looks so bad.

Not just Issan though,when I lived in Samutprakarn they were as bad with the litter.

Edited October 24, 2019 by mlkik

[EVENKEEL]

I only advise is to leave money in your budget for an escape. Not to be a gloomy gus, but some guys do go overboard in their golden years and over extend themselves.  And, And I highly recommend you have your very own personnel transportation, I mean keys on you at all times, it belongs to you in name as well. I've never needed it, but have always had it.

[carlyai]

Marriage is very difficult. Even when you both are from the same country and speak the same language.

 

It's especially difficult marrying cross-culture.

 

You're never going to understand everything, or maybe half of what goes on.

 

I'd say try and live together for a few years first before you decide that this life and this person is the one.

 

Be careful of your money and don't spend too much...keep most for a rainy day and if you have a house or property in another country don't sell it.

 

My wife and I have been together about 25 years and travelled and worked together on most of my projects. Presently retired an living in Isaan for the last 6 odd years. It's all good. [emoji3]

 

Sent from my SM-J700F using Tapatalk

 

 

Edit

woooppss 35 years married.

 

[puchooay]

Mistakes in thinking and talking already. Drop the words "Issan" and "Farang" when talking about husbands and wives. She is your wife. Simple. You are her husband. Simple too. To use words referring to nationality is, in my opinion, creating a stumbling block already.

 

Learn the language. Don't worry about the bar stool brigade that tell you Thai is useless in Issan as it is not. Kids speak it in school and Mum, Dad, Granny and Grandad listen to it on TV. You will get by easily with Thai.

 

Also disagree with asking your wife to sort all the problems. Fine to run it past her first to make sure you are not out of order but try to show that you are happy to communicate with the family and to sort problems out yourself. Respect works both ways.

 

I have seen and heard of so many expats who thought they were the dog's Bo%$#cks. Coming out with things like " I pay for everything so they have to do things my way". Even one guy saying " I built a wall around the house with a locking gate. If mother in law wants to speak she can ring the bell and my wife will meet her at the gate." If that is the way one thinks then time to turn around and go back to where you came from. It is a marriage the same as anywhere and should be treated that way. Regardless of back ground and financial standing you are now equal partners in a union. 

39 minutes ago, Elzear said:

I love this place, let alone its people.

 Show them that you feel this way. If, and I only say "if" as there have been cases when things aren't what they seem, they are good people they will return that trust and respect.

 

This is the model that I followed and still follow. 21 years and still going strong.

 

Good luck.

[Elzear]

6 minutes ago, puchooay said:

Mistakes in thinking and talking already. Drop the words "Issan" and "Farang" when talking about husbands and wives. She is your wife. Simple. You are her husband. Simple too. To use words referring to nationality is, in my opinion, creating a stumbling block already.

 

Learn the language. Don't worry about the bar stool brigade that tell you Thai is useless in Issan as it is not. Kids speak it in school and Mum, Dad, Granny and Grandad listen to it on TV. You will get by easily with Thai.

 

Also disagree with asking your wife to sort all the problems. Fine to run it past her first to make sure you are not out of order but try to show that you are happy to communicate with the family and to sort problems out yourself. Respect works both ways.

 

I have seen and heard of so many expats who thought they were the dog's Bo%$#cks. Coming out with things like " I pay for everything so they have to do things my way". Even one guy saying " I built a wall around the house with a locking gate. If mother in law wants to speak she can ring the bell and my wife will meet her at the gate." If that is the way one thinks then time to turn around and go back to where you came from. It is a marriage the same as anywhere and should be treated that way. Regardless of back ground and financial standing you are now equal partners in a union. 

 Show them that you feel this way. If, and I only say "if" as there have been cases when things aren't what they seem, they are good people they will return that trust and respect.

 

This is the model that I followed and still follow. 21 years and still going strong.

 

Good luck.

Thank you. I take note of the ethnic definition and to drop it. To learn Thai is in my to do list.

[Vacuum]

11 minutes ago, carlyai said:

I'd say try and live together for a few years first before you decide that this life and this person is the one.

+1

[Vacuum]

36 minutes ago, mlkik said:

Issan is filthy! I have been for walks in the beautiful countryside only to see discarded rubbish every 6 feet.

Many people just throw their litter in the garden and it mounts up and looks so bad.

Not just Issan though,when I lived in Samutprakarn they were as bad with the litter.

The whole country is the same.

[Elzear]

11 minutes ago, carlyai said:

Marriage is very difficult. Even when you both are from the same country and speak the same language.

 

It's especially difficult marrying cross-culture.

 

You're never going to understand everything, or maybe half of what goes on.

 

I'd say try and live together for a few years first before you decide that this life and this person is the one.

 

Be careful of your money and don't spend too much...keep most for a rainy day and if you have a house or property in another country don't sell it.

 

My wife and I have been together about 25 years and travelled and worked together on most of my projects. Presently retired an living in Isaan for the last 6 odd years. It's all good.

 

Sent from my SM-J700F using Tapatalk

 

 

Edit

woooppss 35 years married.

 

Thank you. My previous married life was with a Japanese lady. Twenty years of comfort and accepting each other’s differences. It ended. No comment, if I may. I like the rural life of Isaan, remote from the masses. My future in-laws have welcomed me in their home. I still feel that it is more complex to assimilate than it was with my ex Japanese family. Most certainly learning Thai is a must

[mauGR1]

8 minutes ago, Vacuum said:

20 minutes ago, carlyai said:

I'd say try and live together for a few years first before you decide that this life and this person is the one.

+1

Yes, be wise and don't hurry up things.

[Pilotman]

10 minutes ago, Elzear said:

Thank you. I take note of the ethnic definition and to drop it. To learn Thai is in my to do list.

Learning Thai won't always help, my wife's family hardly speak the language. Marry her by all means, just don't live in Issan, or anywhere near her family.  When you have to visit the family ( keep it to a max of once every 2 years and for only a couple of days, she can always go by herself to stay longer).  When you do visit,  take a few good books and ignore all that goes on around you.

if possible take her well away to live, and if to the West, so much the better. I did that 22 years ago with my wife and we have never had any problems with her family. 

[sirineou]

My mom always told me, "when new to a place keep your mouth shut and you ears and eyes open"

Good advice anywhere in the world.

[CNXexpat]

There are no general rules. It depends of the girl and her family. My wife is from Isaan too, Amnat Charoen. I met her in Germany when she visited her best friend who is married with a German. She got the flight as a gift for her 30th birthday. She speaks a good English, learned chef in Bangkok from a famous Thai chef who ownes some restaurants, wrote some books and cooked for the <snip> palace. Later she worked in a 5* hotel in Kuala Lumpur. Now we are married more than 13 years. The married after her third trip to Germany (I paid the last flight). She is very open minded, criticize the government and the palace, has the same taste at interior as me (Italian design style).

Before our first trip to Thailand (I have never been before in Thailand before our wedding) I asked her about the sinsod and told her, I can pay but then we will not stay in 4* or 5* hotels during our stay. She thought about a few seconds and said: "My parents have enough money, let´s have fun".

 

What I want to say: if your girl is a farmer girl she never left her province, know nothing about the world and has a low education, you have to handle her different than a well educated girl with more life experience. 

[puchooay]

12 minutes ago, Pilotman said:

Learning Thai won't always help, my wife's family hardly speak the language. Marry her by all means, just don't live in Issan, or anywhere near her family.  When you have to visit the family ( keep it to a max of once every 2 years and for only a couple of days, she can always go by herself to stay longer).  When you do visit,  take a few good books and ignore all that goes on around you.

if possible take her well away to live, and if to the West, so much the better. I did that 22 years ago with my wife and we have never had any problems with her family. 

Oh dear.

[Elzear]

37 minutes ago, puchooay said:

Mistakes in thinking and talking already. Drop the words "Issan" and "Farang" when talking about husbands and wives. She is your wife. Simple. You are her husband. Simple too. To use words referring to nationality is, in my opinion, creating a stumbling block already.

 

Learn the language. Don't worry about the bar stool brigade that tell you Thai is useless in Issan as it is not. Kids speak it in school and Mum, Dad, Granny and Grandad listen to it on TV. You will get by easily with Thai.

 

Also disagree with asking your wife to sort all the problems. Fine to run it past her first to make sure you are not out of order but try to show that you are happy to communicate with the family and to sort problems out yourself. Respect works both ways.

 

I have seen and heard of so many expats who thought they were the dog's Bo%$#cks. Coming out with things like " I pay for everything so they have to do things my way". Even one guy saying " I built a wall around the house with a locking gate. If mother in law wants to speak she can ring the bell and my wife will meet her at the gate." If that is the way one thinks then time to turn around and go back to where you came from. It is a marriage the same as anywhere and should be treated that way. Regardless of back ground and financial standing you are now equal partners in a union. 

 Show them that you feel this way. If, and I only say "if" as there have been cases when things aren't what they seem, they are good people they will return that trust and respect.

 

This is the model that I followed and still follow. 21 years and still going strong.

 

Good luck.

One aspect of married life that puzzles me is that of giving a salary to the wife ? How can that be and if applicable, if a must, how is this monthly amount decided ? 

 

39 minutes ago, puchooay said:

Mistakes in thinking and talking already. Drop the words "Issan" and "Farang" when talking about husbands and wives. She is your wife. Simple. You are her husband. Simple too. To use words referring to nationality is, in my opinion, creating a stumbling block already.

 

Learn the language. Don't worry about the bar stool brigade that tell you Thai is useless in Issan as it is not. Kids speak it in school and Mum, Dad, Granny and Grandad listen to it on TV. You will get by easily with Thai.

 

Also disagree with asking your wife to sort all the problems. Fine to run it past her first to make sure you are not out of order but try to show that you are happy to communicate with the family and to sort problems out yourself. Respect works both ways.

 

I have seen and heard of so many expats who thought they were the dog's Bo%$#cks. Coming out with things like " I pay for everything so they have to do things my way". Even one guy saying " I built a wall around the house with a locking gate. If mother in law wants to speak she can ring the bell and my wife will meet her at the gate." If that is the way one thinks then time to turn around and go back to where you came from. It is a marriage the same as anywhere and should be treated that way. Regardless of back ground and financial standing you are now equal partners in a union. 

 Show them that you feel this way. If, and I only say "if" as there have been cases when things aren't what they seem, they are good people they will return that trust and respect.

 

This is the model that I followed and still follow. 21 years and still going strong.

 

Good luck.

 

40 minutes ago, carlyai said:

Marriage is very difficult. Even when you both are from the same country and speak the same language.

 

It's especially difficult marrying cross-culture.

 

You're never going to understand everything, or maybe half of what goes on.

 

I'd say try and live together for a few years first before you decide that this life and this person is the one.

 

Be careful of your money and don't spend too much...keep most for a rainy day and if you have a house or property in another country don't sell it.

 

My wife and I have been together about 25 years and travelled and worked together on most of my projects. Presently retired an living in Isaan for the last 6 odd years. It's all good.

 

Sent from my SM-J700F using Tapatalk

 

 

Edit

woooppss 35 years married.

 

Do you give your wife a ... monthly salary ? Please I am serious. It is what I read on some article about local culture (whether a Thai or Isaan custom, I do not know)

[puchooay]

3 minutes ago, Elzear said:

One aspect of married life that puzzles me is that of giving a salary to the wife ? How can that be and if applicable, if a must, how is this monthly amount decided ? 

 

 

Do you give your wife a ... monthly salary ? Please I am serious. It is what I read on some article about local culture (whether a Thai or Isaan custom, I do not know)

No, I don't. When I met her she had her own job and has maintained full time employment ever since.

 

If your wife to be does not work then you will need to work something out. My father used to call it "housekeeping". Not "salary".

[GalaxyMan]

5 minutes ago, Elzear said:

One aspect of married life that puzzles me is that of giving a salary to the wife ? How can that be and if applicable, if a must, how is this monthly amount decided ? 

 

 

Do you give your wife a ... monthly salary ? Please I am serious. It is what I read on some article about local culture (whether a Thai or Isaan custom, I do not know)

A salary? Is she doing some work that she should be paid for? Last I checked, paying a woman for companionship is considered prostitution.

[soalbundy]

My advice, don't take this 'culture thing' too seriously. Reserve your judgment about what happens around you, don't speak about others except if you are praising someone. Be detached but friendly. If your wife gets involved in a feud with someone stay out of it, she will be good friends with her advisory again in a few days time. Learn Thai, Isaan people are generally very friendly but don't expect them to speak English, to learn Thai properly you have to learn to read it, it's not impossible and you can buy books on it, I learnt to read without a teacher. I don't take the culture seriously, I am good friends with the abbot of the temple but I rarely go there except if my wife insists to tam bun, after 5 minutes when she is sure I have been seen she says I can go home again. Village life isn't everybody's thing, I love it. You can endear yourself to the villagers easily with simple things, showing respect, showing empathy, a smile, a wave as you walk past when they are working in their gardens, do it right and life is easy here.   

[Mavideol]

5 minutes ago, Elzear said:

One aspect of married life that puzzles me is that of giving a salary to the wife ? How can that be and if applicable, if a must, how is this monthly amount decided ? 

for the majority of them, we are mobile ATM's..... you are hiring somebody to live with you, thus the salary request, you will be providing for the family, including your wife and yet still have to give the salary, I can't figure it out but maybe others can, giving a salary (for me) means no love involved but mostly a business transaction, thus (for me) prefer to hire (pay) for many different ones when necessary, but that's my opinion

[bkk6060]

God seems very sad.

You are coming on here now asking these questions?

Good luck dude.  Just, good luck......

[RedPill]

15 minutes ago, GalaxyMan said:

A salary? Is she doing some work that she should be paid for? Last I checked, paying a woman for companionship is considered prostitution.

Salary, you hear the Thai girls using that word a lot in relationship talks. The way they say it, it sounds like prostitution to our ears.

 

But I guess it's just a lack for a better word. Maybe 'allowance' would be a better choice. 

 

Every Thai woman hooking up with a Western guy expects some sort of financial improvement in her life.

 

Realistically, it would be very rare to see a broke western guy (especially with larger age gap) meeting a Thai woman and they say: Hey, let's work together ... love will overcome everything.

 

A Thai woman wants to be taken care of, and some sort of an allowance is mostly part of it.

Comes back to No Money No Honey ... sounds corny, but it's true to the core ????

 

 

Edited October 24, 2019 by RedPill

[CGW]

35 minutes ago, Pilotman said:

Learning Thai won't always help, my wife's family hardly speak the language. Marry her by all means, just don't live in Issan, or anywhere near her family.  When you have to visit the family ( keep it to a max of once every 2 years and for only a couple of days, she can always go by herself to stay longer).  When you do visit,  take a few good books and ignore all that goes on around you.

if possible take her well away to live, and if to the West, so much the better. I did that 22 years ago with my wife and we have never had any problems with her family. 

Harsh! but a lot of truth in what you say, I have next to nothing to do with my wife's family, we live a couple of hours drive away from them, I made it clear from the beginning I didn't want any of them living with us or just dropping in, worked well, we have been together 16 years now.

In all honesty I don't know either of the in-laws first names, keep thinking I should know, the reality is not that interested!

Most of the disaster stories start where people move into the wife's village and build on family land - forget that idea IMO.

[scorecard]

1 hour ago, puchooay said:

Mistakes in thinking and talking already. Drop the words "Issan" and "Farang" when talking about husbands and wives. She is your wife. Simple. You are her husband. Simple too. To use words referring to nationality is, in my opinion, creating a stumbling block already.

 

Learn the language. Don't worry about the bar stool brigade that tell you Thai is useless in Issan as it is not. Kids speak it in school and Mum, Dad, Granny and Grandad listen to it on TV. You will get by easily with Thai.

 

Also disagree with asking your wife to sort all the problems. Fine to run it past her first to make sure you are not out of order but try to show that you are happy to communicate with the family and to sort problems out yourself. Respect works both ways.

 

I have seen and heard of so many expats who thought they were the dog's Bo%$#cks. Coming out with things like " I pay for everything so they have to do things my way". Even one guy saying " I built a wall around the house with a locking gate. If mother in law wants to speak she can ring the bell and my wife will meet her at the gate." If that is the way one thinks then time to turn around and go back to where you came from. It is a marriage the same as anywhere and should be treated that way. Regardless of back ground and financial standing you are now equal partners in a union. 

 Show them that you feel this way. If, and I only say "if" as there have been cases when things aren't what they seem, they are good people they will return that trust and respect.

 

This is the model that I followed and still follow. 21 years and still going strong.

 

Good luck.

 I add the following:

- Yes people do analyse things / structure their thinking and their strategies differently in different countries / societies. Don't try too hard to understand everything.

 

- Don't take the stance that your way is better, not always necessarily true, and that approach is never going to work.

 

- Give due respect to her parents, give them drinks, snacks etc., without them asking.

 

- Don't overreact and always compromise a little, it's not that difficult. 

[Pilotman]

35 minutes ago, CGW said:

Harsh! but a lot of truth in what you say, I have next to nothing to do with my wife's family, we live a couple of hours drive away from them, I made it clear from the beginning I didn't want any of them living with us or just dropping in, worked well, we have been together 16 years now.

In all honesty I don't know either of the in-laws first names, keep thinking I should know, the reality is not that interested!

Most of the disaster stories start where people move into the wife's village and build on family land - forget that idea IMO.

Don't get me wrong, I like my wife's family, They are always friendly and welcoming to me, and of course, in 22 years, we have moved on a generation or so from the early years, so I am now dealing with the kids of her siblings kids, so I am the farang Uncle who has always been around.   I guess that it has now become 'comfortable' for everyone , as the rules of the relationship were set very early on and are now well established.  It also helped when our mixed race daughter (now 21 years old) was born, as she is effectively also a farang, although duel Nationality and tri=lingual.  It made me less 'foreign' to everyone. 

Edited October 24, 2019 by Pilotman

[fishtank]

Don't over think things.

Just be yourself.

[amykat]

24 minutes ago, CGW said:

Harsh! but a lot of truth in what you say, I have next to nothing to do with my wife's family, we live a couple of hours drive away from them, I made it clear from the beginning I didn't want any of them living with us or just dropping in, worked well, we have been together 16 years now.

In all honesty I don't know either of the in-laws first names, keep thinking I should know, the reality is not that interested!

Most of the disaster stories start where people move into the wife's village and build on family land - forget that idea IMO.

That’s okay, they don’t know your name either.  They just call you the farang.  They do know a lot about your finances however.  How much your car cost, how much you spend on beer, what you have in the bank ....anything your wife knows.

[puchooay]

We bought land and built in my wife's village. I am on first name terms with in laws, aunts, uncles, cousins.

 

Never had any problems. Never get called "Farang". I have shown respect to them from day 1 and received it back.

 

21 years and happy as ever.

[Matzzon]

2 hours ago, Elzear said:

please tell me of your experiences and above all your advices.

That would be a book, my good man. However, One thing´s for sure. Your in for a hell of a bumpy ride! ????

 

Don´t worry, though! There is a solution. Just don´t take anything too serious, and never create more expenses than you are willing to loose.

[ylmiri]

2 hours ago, EVENKEEL said:

I only advise is to leave money in your budget for an escape. Not to be a gloomy gus, but some guys do go overboard in their golden years and over extend themselves.  And, And I highly recommend you have your very own personnel transportation, I mean keys on you at all times, it belongs to you in name as well. I've never needed it, but have always had it.

This is the best advice I come across here . No wonder your username is "EVENKEEL"-   so you don't flip over - bottom up.