Source

Porsche dealer - "I got it wrong with the buy one get one free card".

Glen Fergusson - Sales and Marketing manager for a brand new Californian Porsche dealer. Has lost his job and faces possible legal proceedings as the company strives to reclaim the costs of the 18 Porsches given away free under Glen's Opening day "buy one get one free promotion" "I admit I didn't really do the numbers properly on this one" said Glen who told reporters that he had "seen the concept work really well for coffee stores" and in terms of numbers you could argue that Glen's campaign worked. As the new Porsche dealer sold 18 Porsches in the first hour of the store opening.

It took the head office a full hour to realise what was going on and subsequently shut the store.

Local man Bruce Stepper took out a second mortgage on his home after getting a promotional flyer in his mailbox. "I am ecstatic - I brought a shiny red Porsche today, got another one free and I have sold just sold it on EBay, all up I end up getting a Porsche 911 for $5000"

Jane Cameron was arguably even more entrepreneurial. The local Janitor purchased a Porsche using the dealers "no deposit finance plan for low income earners", sold both cars, paid off the finance account and walked away with $120,000 profit. The finance plan was another one of Glen's initiatives that has now been cancelled.

A red faced Glen stated "I have never really been too good at Math and I was sure the whole time we were making money - I was initially blown away by the amount of cars we were selling in that first hour. I had seen the "buy one get one free card" work extremely well for the new coffee shop down the road and thought what a great idea I will try it here."

National spokesman for the dealership chain was quoted as saying "We are just glad that the idiot didn’t have time to run with his 'test drive 5 cars, get one free loyalty stamp card' campaign.

Peter

Source

NZ's youngest politician 5 Year old Kaylib Wichman proposes anti-pea bill

The bill, if passed will make it illegal for parents to feed their children peas with dinner until they are over 15 years of age.

New Zealand uses the MMP form of Government that means a whole lot of small hippy parties have a big say in how the Government operates.

Wichman believes feeding "little green balls of mushy poison" to children is against their civil rights. He claims that he has not chewed a pea since he grew teeth. Until he had teeth his mother mashed his peas which caused great concern for Wichman as he didn't have a choice and had to taste the 'evil vileness' whether he liked it or not, and of course he didn’t.

The bill is strongly opposed by the Green party who's main political stance is for New Zealanders to eat 5 plus fruit and veges a day. The only thing that Wichman and the Green Party have in common is their mutual support of the proposed anti-smacking bill.

'Professor Peabody of Mr Men fame' Wichman says, 'respects children’s' rights by leaving his peas on the inside of his body. He does this as he knows kids like me flinch whenever exposed to the little green balls of mushy poison. Why cant grown ups swallow their pride and let the future generation decide what is right for them. We live in an age of equal rights yet I am still forced into bed by 8pm. I am going to start a revolution.'

Peter

Where was he when I was a child? I would only eat 1 pea for every year of my age ... 5 peas on a plate as a 5yo. I still hate broccoli!

Where was he when I was a child? I would only eat 1 pea for every year of my age ... 5 peas on a plate as a 5yo. I still hate broccoli!

So now you get 'em served up by the kilo?

CB

Polygamous lesbians flee Sharia

A Nigerian lesbian who "married" four women last weekend

in Kano State has gone into hiding from the Islamic police,

with her partners.

......

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6599437.stm

Human billboard

An unemployed Brazilian man earns a living by having local ads tattooed on his body.

Edson Alves, from Tanabi, now has 20 tattoos advertising local shops, restaurants and businesses.

He takes his shirt off everyday and walks around his small home town showing off the tattoos on his back, arms and chest.

Mr Alves told Terra Noticias Populares: "I make a lot of money out of this."

One advertiser, fruit and vegetable market owner Ana Bertolli, said: "Having your business name tattooed on him works more than if you paid for an ad on the paper or radio."

Japanese firm makes pet's stress patch

Wondering if your dog or cat is stressed? Just stick a special patch on the bottom of its paw and you'll be able to tell, according to a Japanese company.

The patch, developed by Japanese company Medical Life Care Giken, purports to measure the stress level of dogs and cats by detecting excessive sweat secretion - believed to be a sign of stress - the Nikkei Weekly reported.

The round, pin-sized patch is applied to the centre pad of the animal's paw and changes colour depending on how sweaty the pet is, the Nikkei said.

The company, which makes a similar patch for humans, says it worked with researchers at Toyama University to study the sweat patterns of dogs and cats, which secrete sweat from their paws, the Nikkei said.

The company expects strong sales amid a pet boom in Japan, the Nikkei said. The patches are expected to go on sale in Japan later this year, with the price still undecided, it said. It did not mention plans for overseas sales.

Doting Japanese pet owners are known to go to great lengths for their pets' wellbeing, taking cats and dogs to specialist masseurs and even acupuncturists.

Peter

Japanese firm makes pet's stress patch

Wondering if your dog or cat is stressed? Just stick a special patch on the bottom of its paw and you'll be able to tell, according to a Japanese company.

The patch, developed by Japanese company Medical Life Care Giken, purports to measure the stress level of dogs and cats by detecting excessive sweat secretion - believed to be a sign of stress - the Nikkei Weekly reported.

Interesting, Peter, but any pet patron should know that these animals do not sweat, they pant. Mind, this is right up there with the Japanese devices that allow you to interpret your pet's bark (woof: I love you; woof, woof: feed me or I'll sh* on the Persian carpet; woof, woof, woof: a thief is breaking through the window; AWooo: there's a b*ch in heat outside so I'm taking off through the window that the thief just broke and good luck with protecting yourself, etc)

Japanese firm makes pet's stress patch

Wondering if your dog or cat is stressed? Just stick a special patch on the bottom of its paw and you'll be able to tell, according to a Japanese company.

The patch, developed by Japanese company Medical Life Care Giken, purports to measure the stress level of dogs and cats by detecting excessive sweat secretion - believed to be a sign of stress - the Nikkei Weekly reported.

Interesting, Peter, but any pet patron should know that these animals do not sweat, they pant. Mind, this is right up there with the Japanese devices that allow you to interpret your pet's bark (woof: I love you; woof, woof: feed me or I'll sh* on the Persian carpet; woof, woof, woof: a thief is breaking through the window; AWooo: there's a b*ch in heat outside so I'm taking off through the window that the thief just broke and good luck with protecting yourself, etc)

That's almost word for word from a "how to understand your man" thing that was published in

the US in the 70's. Flatter on.

That's almost word for word from a "how to understand your man" thing that was published in

the US in the 70's. Flatter on.

Meow!

Japanese firm makes pet's stress patch

Wondering if your dog or cat is stressed? Just stick a special patch on the bottom of its paw and you'll be able to tell, according to a Japanese company.

The patch, developed by Japanese company Medical Life Care Giken, purports to measure the stress level of dogs and cats by detecting excessive sweat secretion - believed to be a sign of stress - the Nikkei Weekly reported.

The round, pin-sized patch is applied to the centre pad of the animal's paw and changes colour depending on how sweaty the pet is, the Nikkei said.

Doting Japanese pet owners are known to go to great lengths for their pets' wellbeing, taking cats and dogs to specialist masseurs and even acupuncturists.

this from the same nation that bought sheep thinking they were poodles. Right - at our property we have some rare 'hopping mice" they are about 6 feet tall and have a pouch - anyone know the telephone number of a pet store in Tokyo?

CB

This from the Pattaya City News.

Thai Navy fires Exocet Missile at Defenceless Target.

On Saturday morning General Boonsung, the commander-in-chief of the Thai Armed Forces, came to the Sattahip naval base with a lot of other senior military persons with the aim of seeing whether the sailors have what it takes to defend the shoreline in case of unexpected conflict. The General was flown by helicopter out to the pride of the Thai fleet, the aircraft carrier HTMS Chakri Narubet, which was sailing around the Gulf of Thailand on exercises.

After leading the usual parade of bemedalled officers and handing out a number of trinkets, the General was taken up in a helicopter and treated to the spectacular sight of government money being expended by way of an Exocet missile being fired from a frigate at a stationary target set up some distance from the aircraft carrier.

The result was a perfect hit and the General could return to Bangkok happy in the knowledge the Thai navy is more than capable of firing Exocet missiles and hitting stationary targets.

The art of sarcasm at its best.

A few months ago I went to this site:

http://www.ibiblio.org/IUMA/band_html/Plasma_Boy.html

and got this error message (it keeps going for several pages but I just pasted in a few):

404 FILE NOT FOUND

1337/h4x0r j00 f001, 7|-|47 p4g3 d0|\|'7 eXi57! y0u sux0rz.

American South Ah cain't find th' page yer lookin' fer.

Arabic Unwan Al URL Aladiina Tabhatuuna Anhu Ghayru mawjuud.

Armenian Ait tegheh vor uzumek tesnek chi tcharvoom.

Armenian Tents ej mer mot el chka, yerevi chi el yekhel!

Assamese (Indian) Kyama kariba. Apuni bichara tathyakhini vartaman majoot nai.

Asturiano La fueya non ta.

Australian Strewth mate yer bloody page has shot through

Aymara Pagina haniw utjiti!

Bajan Wuhloss, man, de page yuh lookin for ent here!!

Bangla Ohho! page ta to ekhon ar shekhane nai.

base64 VGhlIHBhZ2UgeW91IGFyZSBsb29raW5nIGZvciBpcyBubyBsb25n

ZXIgb24gaWJpYmxpby5vcmcgb3IgaGFzIGJlZW4gbW92ZWQuCg==

Basque-Euskara Aizu! Ibiblio.org-en bilatzen duzun web-orririk ez dago.

Basque Eup! Ibiblio.org-en topetan zabilzan web-orririk ez dago.

Bavarian Dö Seitn is net do, vastest host kört!

Belgian (Antwerp dialect) Eej, da blad kannek kik ni vinne jung!

Belizean Creole Ah nuh no weh e deh.

Bengali Khoma korben, je pata ta aapni khujchen pawajayeni.

Berlinerisch Ey, Alta, det jibtet hier nich.

BiH ajde bolan na drugu stranicu,nema ti ovdje nista!

Bicolano Dae na digdi?

binary 001101000011000000110100001000000100011001001001010011000100010100100000

010011100100111101010100001000000100011001001111010101010100111001000100

Bosnian Dje ba zapelo?

Brazil (São Paulo slang) Aê mano, a página que cê tá caçano rodô, meu!

Brazilian (gaúcho) slang Mas báh tchê, tu tá mais perdido que cusco caído de caminhão de mudança! A págna não tá aqui.

Brazilian Portuguese slang Cadê a página que tava aqui? O gato comeu.

Brazilian Portuguese A página que você procura não existe.

BSD user The server is running Linux. What do you expect?

Bulgarian Greshka 404: Stranitsata ne e namerena.

C return ENOENT

Cape Afrikaans Slang Kyk nou, die ding wat jy soek issie hierie sienjy.

Carinthia De vadommte saitn kumt nit!

Catalan La pàgina que busqueu ha canviat d'ubicació o ja no existeix.

Chinese (Simplified) 啊呀,没法找到网页.

Chinese Ni suo yao de wan yeh pu tsai leh.

Chinook Jargon Pehpah halo yahwa.

Cockney No chance luv, carrnt find it neever.

Croatian Stranicu nije moguce pronaci!

Cyprus Ree... evaosan tin selidan.

Czech Po^Þadovaná stránka nebyla nalezena.

Danish Filen eksisterer ikke længere på serveren.

Dholuo Mos, it oboke ma idwaro ok yudore gi sani.

Dutch (Amsterdams) Wat jij soek, kenne wij nie finde

Dutch (Brabants dialect) Wè gij zoekt op deez' servert ister nie mir.

Dutch (Land-van-Axels) Da wa jie zoek, da kan'k hlad nie vinn'n.

Dutch (Leids) Teerrring juh, ga errrges onderrs kijke dan juh

Dutch (Nederlands) De pagina die U zoekt kan niet gevonden worden.

Dutch De door u opgevraagde pagina kan niet worden gevonden.

Egyptian slang El safHa elli bet-daWwar AlaiHa, lel-Asaff, mesh mutaaHa Hena, Haliyyan.

English (Bristolian Accent) I casn't find what thee bist lookin' fer, me babber.

English (East African- Kikuyu) Da paej yu ah lookin fo eiz not avaerabouh.

English (Lancastrian dialect) Weers yon page geet to? T'int 'ere!

Esperanto Ĉi paĝo, ĝi ne ekzistas.

Brewer hops onto green power bandwagon

Wednesday May 2 15:06 AEST

A breakthrough project which turns beer wastewater into electricity has won a $140,000 grant from the Queensland government.

The project, a joint initiative between the University of Queensland's Advanced Wastewater Management Centre (AWMC) and Foster's, is believed to be the first of its kind in the world.

The technology works by creating a microbial fuel cell, which feeds continuously on the organics in the brewery wastewater, turning it into watts.

The process also produces clean water and renewable, or non-polluting, carbon dioxide.

AWMC director Professor Jurg Keller said there has been a shift in focus in wastewater management over the past few years from simply treating waste to recovering valuable resources such as water, energy and nutrients.

"Technology that can do this should be supported, therefore the decision by the Queensland government to support this project is a very important signal, both to universities and industry," Prof Keller said.

The team's work is also backed by a $1.3 million Australian Research Council grant in addition to on-site and financial support from Foster's.

A patent is pending for the technology, which is designed for small to medium operations and could be used across a number of food, beverage and manufacturing industries.

The Queensland government grant was made under the Sustainable Energy Innovation Fund.

Brewer hops onto green power bandwagon

Wednesday May 2 15:06 AEST

A breakthrough project which turns beer wastewater into electricity has won a $140,000 grant from the Queensland government.

P1ss?

Brewer hops onto green power bandwagon

Wednesday May 2 15:06 AEST

A breakthrough project which turns beer wastewater into electricity has won a $140,000 grant from the Queensland government.

P1ss?

Contains electrolytes and is the equivalent of a 9v battery - more if you have eaten asparagus the night before

CB

After John (who are you calling Marian?) Wayne became the movie icon it was common (very) to have the name Wayne but there has been an interesting phenomenon which is that there is a disproportionate number of prisoners in the US with the middle name Wayne. This was first noted in the 1970's and came about when the court records were more easily collated using computers etc and the recording of all three names ie given, middle, and surname not just given, middle initial, surname.

There have been numerous lists made of people (mainly men) with the middle name Wayne who have been convicted of rape, assualt, etc but this is just for murder. Some of the more infamous are the clown John Wayne Gacy (who killed almost three dozen boys and young men in the late 1970s and buried most of them beneath the floorboards of his Des Plaines, Ill., home) and Elmer Wayne Henley (sentenced to six consecutive life terms in 1974 in Houston for his role, with ringleader Dean Allen Corll, in the murders of 27 young men).

But first, several disclaimers: (1) I have been too unmotivated to completely update the list. Most notably, there should be more names on the list (i.e., some have been withheld because they were mere "suspects," but many of those were subsequently arrested, not to mention convicted), and there should be more, well, dead people on the list, if you get my drift. (I have only designated the executions that I know about.) Any help on those matters would be appreciated. (2) My list is only of murderers (or those charged with murder) with the middle name of Wayne. Manslaughter is not enough. Other violent crimes are not enough. It's only of middle-name Waynes who have been in the news; I have not pored over penitentiary rosters to get the old- timer Waynes. (3) Before anyone asks me, I will answer: No, I have no idea whether the number of middle- named Wayne murderers is statistically significant.

Timothy Wayne Adams (Texas)

Shannon Wayne Agofsky (Texas)

Thomas Wayne Akers (North Carolina)

Stephen Wayne Anderson (California)*

Joshua Wayne Andrews (Virginia)

David Wayne Arisman (California)

Timothy Wayne Barnett (Alabama)

Gerald Wayne Bivins (Indiana)

Scott Wayne Blystone (Pennsylvania)

Elvis Wayne Botley (California)

Steven Wayne Bowman (South Carolina)

Ricky Wayne Brown (Florida)

Michael Wayne Brown (Oklahoma)

Dennis Wayne Bryant (Virginia)

Edward Wayne Bryant (Oklahoma)

Estell Wayne Buck (Ohio)

Bradley Wayne Cagle (Texas)

Seth Wayne Campbell (Texas)

Darren Wayne Campbell (Oregon)

Mark Wayne Campmire (Connecticut)

Michael Wayne Carter (Indiana)

Rodger Wayne Chastain (California)*

Ronald Wayne Clark, Jr. (Florida)

Douglas Wayne Clark (Texas)

Darryl Wayne Claughton (Alberta)

Kevin Wayne Coffey (Texas)

Michael Wayne Cole (North Carolina)

Joseph Wayne Cook (North Carolina)

Billy Wayne Cope (South Carolina)

Alvin Wayne Crane (Texas)*

David Wayne Crews (Tennessee)

Donald Wayne Darling II (Alabama)

Christopher Wayne Davis (Louisiana)

Gary Wayne Davis (Kentucky)

Jerry Wayne Dean (Kentucky)

Aryan Wayne Duntley (California)

John Wayne Duvall (Oklahoma)*

Dennis Wayne Eaton (Virginia)*

Dale Wayne Eaton (Colorado)

Michael Wayne Eggers (Alabama)

Gary Wayne Etheridge (Texas)

Michael Wayne Farmer (Maryland)

Ellis Wayne Felker (Georgia)*

Matthew Wayne Ferman (Ohio)

Michael Wayne Fisher (Pennsylvania)

Terry Wayne Freeman (Illinois)

Percy Wayne Froman (Alabama)

Ronald Wayne Frye (North Carolina)*

Morris Wayne Givens (Alabama)

Richard Wayne Godwin (Oregon)

Arthur Wayne Goodman, Jr. (Texas)

Richard Wayne Gorrie (New Zealand)

Jeffrey Wayne Gorton (Michigan)

Keith Wayne Graham (California)

Coleman Wayne Gray (Virginia)*

Charles Wayne Green (Arkansas)

Christopher Wayne Gregory (Texas)

Kenneth Wayne Gregory (Florida)

Ralph Wayne Grimes (Kentucky)

Anthony Wayne Grimm (Illinois)

Randall Wayne Hafdahl (Texas)*

Conan Wayne Hale (Oregon)

Kenneth Wayne Hall Sr. (South Carolina)

Michael Wayne Hall (Texas)

Steven Wayne Hall (Alabama)

Jerald Wayne Harjo (Oklahoma)*

Robert Wayne Harris (Texas)

Jerald Wayne Harvel II (Oklahoma)

Mark Wayne Hauseur (California)

Carl Wayne Heath (Maine)

Brandon Wayne Hedrick (Virginia)

Michael Wayne Henry (Texas)

Rodney Wayne Henry (Kansas)

Donald Wayne Holt (Maryland)

Bryant Wayne Howard (Oregon)

Kenneth Wayne Jackson (Texas)

Allen Wayne Jenecka (Texas)*

Mark Wayne Jennings (Virginia)

Robert Wayne Jiles (New York)

Jason Wayne Johnson (Texas)

Terry Wayne Johnson (Florida)

Timothy Wayne Johnson (North Carolina)

Mark Wayne Jones (Ohio)

Bruce Wayne Koenig (Maryland)

Derrick Wayne Kualapai, Sr. (California)

Dudley Wayne Kyzer (Alabama)

Monty Wayne Lamb (Texas)

Robert Wayne Lambert (Oklahoma)

Jonathan Wayne Larrabee (South Dakota)

Jeffrey Wayne Leaf (Oklahoma)

Christopher Wayne Lippard (North Carolina)

Kenny Wayne Lockwood (Texas)*

Mark Wayne Lomax (Texas)

Shelly Wayne Martin (Maryland)

Donald Wayne Martin (Texas)*

Steven Wayne McBride (Minnesota)

George Wayne McBroom (Arizona)

David Wayne McCall (Texas)

Rocky Wayne McGowan (Kentucky)

Robert Wayne McMillion (Florida)

Jason Wayne McVean (Colorado)

David Wayne Mears (Michigan)

Wesley Wayne Miller (Texas)

Jimmy Wayne Miller (Texas)

John Wayne Moore, Jr. (Missouri)

John Wayne Moses (North Carolina)

Jack Wayne Napier (Kentucky)

Danny Wayne Owens (Alabama)

Bryan Wayne Padd (Arizona)

David Wayne Pallister (England)

Jeffrey Wayne Paschall (Utah)

Michael Wayne Perry (Tennessee)

Jason Wayne Petershagen (Texas)

Curtis Wayne Pope (Texas)

Donald Wayne Rainey (Mexico)

Randy Wayne Richards (Canada)

Barry Wayne Riley (British Columbia)

Robert Wayne Rotramel (Oklahoma)

David Wayne Satterfield (Texas)

Christopher Wayne Scarber (Kentucky)

Michael Wayne Sears (Virginia)

Kenith Wayne Sherrill (Washington)

Dallas Wayne Shults (Tennessee)

Mark Wayne Silvers (South Carolina)

David Wayne Smith (Virginia)

Daryl Wayne Smith (West Virginia)

Richard Wayne Smith (Texas)*

Richard Wayne Snell (Arkansas)*

Richard Wayne Spicknall (Alabama)

Randall Wayne Stevens (Illinois)

John Wayne Stockdall (Missouri)

Michael Wayne Summers (Missouri)

Gary Wayne Sutton (Tennessee)

Bobby Wayne Swisher (Virginia)*

Michael Wayne Thompson (Indiana)

Andrew Wayne Toler (Texas)

Robert Wayne Vickers (Arizona)*

Billy Wayne Waldrop (Alabama)*

Anthony Wayne Walker (Ohio)

Jerry Wayne Walker (Kentucky)

Jessie Wayne Walker (North Carolina)

Chadwick Wayne Wallace (Illinois)

Daniel Wayne Warfield (Virginia)

John Wayne Warrener (Colorado)

Alexander Wayne Watson Jr. (Maryland)

Louis Wayne Watters, Jr. (Texas)

Coy Wayne Wesbrook (Texas)

Larry Wayne White (Texas)*

Michael Wayne Williams (Virginia)

Richard Wayne Willoughby (Maryland)

Kenneth Wayne Woodfin (Virginia)

Bobby Wayne Woods (Texas)

Darrell Wayne Wright (Texas)

Jerry Wayne Wright (Tennessee)

William Wayne Wright (Texas)

* deceased or dead

regards Crow "Wayne" Boy

What do you do after retiring from the World's Biggest Rock Band" - well Bill Wyman has taken a cue from his ex wives and set himself up as a gold digger and has even made available the "Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detecter"

http://www.billwymandetector.com/

Amazing the things a google search will uncover - hidden gems out there waiting to be uncovered

CB

One for Jet and the other Canucks.

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1,000 AL-QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Vancouver.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business ...

and that the RCMP might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . .

We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

SCROLL DOWN

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!!

I don't know whether you have heard this one before or not..............

Absolute Classic ... Hope she won the holiday !!!

Enjoy!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just imagine sitting in traffic on you way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners with great prizes.

The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's call someone at work and ask if

they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers 'yes' he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly

personal questions. The person is also to divulge the name of their partner

(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same 3

questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

DJ: Great. Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you Kan Win. What is your first name please?

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married.

DJ: Thank you. Now what is your wife's first name?

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here Brian. Is she at work?

Brian (laughing) Yes , she is at work.

DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?

Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.

DJ: Thats the boy, Brian!

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well?

DJ: Question 2 - How long did it last?

Brian: About ten minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh! No one would ever have said that if a trip was not at stake.

Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

DJ: Okay, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I well.....

DJ: This sounds good, Brian, Where was it at?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks....

DJ: Uh huh.

Brian: and the Mother in law was in the shower at the time.

DJ: Thats the boy, Brian!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow)

DJ: Okay audience, lets call Sara, shall we (Touch tones ringing)

Clerk: Hello.

DJ: Hey, is Sara there?

Clerk: This is Sara.

DJ: Sara, this is Ed on FOX FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian.

Sara: (laughing) oh ok?

DJ: Well, He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian (laughing).

Sara (laughing) Brian what the hel_l are you up to?

Brian: Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

DJ: Yeah, yeah Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brians answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: Ok.

DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?

Sara: Oh God Brian..........uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: Around 8 this morning.

DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

Sara: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?

Sara: Yes.

DJ: Where did you have it?

Sara: OH MY GOD BRIAN! You did not tell them that did you?

Brian: Just tell them honey.

DJ: Come on Sara.... were running out of time?

Sara: Well.....

DJ: Come on Sara.... where did you have it?

Sara: Up the ass.

After a long pause, the DJ said, Folks, we need to take a station break.

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!!!!!!!

This also gives confidence to nervous flyers

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Kan Win

Quotes of the Year 2002

From the Daily Telegraph Newspaper.

Home affairs

"The Queen came through for me."

Paul Burrell, the former Royal butler, after Her Majesty's intervention in his trial for allegedly stealing property from the estate of Diana, Princess of Wales.

"I got burned to a crisp. Is it too simple for the spin doctors to make that obvious connection?"

Pam Warren, a Paddington rail disaster survivor, responding to the Government's attempts to find a political motive for her campaign to improve rail safety.

"I would advise you not to smoke."

The warning from Martin Broughton, the head of British American Tobacco, to his children.

"We have one great advantage throughout the season: we always have to play at home."

Jeffrey Archer on the cricket team at North Sea Camp prison, Lincolnshire, where he was serving four years for perjury.

"We would have got away with it but for the fact that there were 140 police waiting for us."

One of the foiled Millennium Dome robbers jailed in February.

"I don't mind serious art criticism, but you can't attack me and my work by accusing me of being a publicity-seeker. That really winds me up."

The artist Tracey Emin, on hearing she was to receive £500,000 to make a film about herself.

"People have realised that though it could be you, it probably won't be."

Dianne Thompson, the chief executive of Camelot, the National Lottery operator.

"There's a very large inflatable hamburger on the line in the Newport area."

An explanation from Railtrack for the cause of delays on the London to South Wales route.

"Nobody invites me out any more."

Peter Mandelson on his lost social appeal since resigning as a Labour Cabinet minister.

Foreign affairs

"Too good to share."

The hastily withdrawn PR slogan used for Cadbury's chocolate in Kashmir, over which India and Pakistan are in dispute.

"What a load of old crap that was."

Jose Maria Aznar, the Spanish premier, unaware that his microphone was still on after his speech at an EU Summit.

"You will be killed just as you kill, and will be bombed just as you bomb. And expect more that will further distress you."

Osama bin Laden, reportedly via audiotape, released on November 13.

"War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always evil."

The former US president Jimmy Carter after accepting the Nobel Peace Prize.

"My director said I should try it out. I should have notified the store and said I was going to come and shoplift. I'm sorry."

Winona Ryder, the actress who claimed she was researching for a movie part when she was caught stealing from a department store.

"In principle, I'm sorry we did not liquidate him."

Ariel Sharon on having spared Yasser Arafat during an Israeli siege of Beirut 20 years ago.

"We apologise to God for any deed that angered him in the past, which we might not have known of and is blamed on us, and on this basis we also apologise to you."

Saddam Hussein tries to say sorry to the Kuwaiti people for invading their country in 1990.

"I asked the barmaid for a quickie. The man next to me said, 'It's pronounced quiche'."

Luigi Amaduzzi, the Italian ambassador, on the perils of speaking a foreign language.

"After all, this is the guy who tried to kill my dad."

George W. Bush, the US President, on Saddam Hussein.

"I'm fine. I expect things like this to happen."

Hamid Karzai, the president of Afghanistan, on the failed attempt on his life.

"We have caught the sniper like a duck in a noose."

The final coded message used by police chief Charles Moose after the arrest of two men for the serial killings in Washington.

"It's not the right or responsibility of the British to decide on our elections. Why should they poke their pink noses in our business?"

Robert Mugabe, the president of Zimbabwe.

"It was like being back home."

Kelly Hartog, an Israeli who survived the hotel bomb in Kenya.

Religion

"The abuse that has caused this crisis is justly considered a crime. It is also an appalling sin in the eyes of God. There is no place in the priesthood for those who harm the young."

The Pope on sexual abuse by priests.

"An ability to sit on fences, sometimes for long periods in extreme discomfort, is desirable."

The crime writer P. D. James on the attributes necessary to be Archbishop of Canterbury.

Politics

"I am not Superwoman. I'm juggling a lot of balls in the air and sometimes some of the balls get dropped."

Cherie Blair appeals to the nation to forgive her over the Peter Foster flat-buying saga.

"I know I am a flawed man but I do not believe, in my heart, I am a bad man."

Peter Foster, the convicted fraudster who plunged the Blairs into "Cheriegate".

"The average EU cow currently receives more than $2 a day in support from EU governments. That is more than the income of half the world's population."

Julian Filochowski, the director of the Catholic Fund for Overseas Development.

"How would you be able to look Leo in the eye in 20 years' time if you are the leader who helped start the war?"

Jacques Chirac, the president of France, to Tony Blair, before an EU summit in Brussels.

"Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man."

Iain Duncan Smith, the Tory leader at the party conference..

"My message is simple and stark: unite or die."

Mr Duncan Smith, four weeks later, after his party seemed not to believe him.

"I wish my flat was filled with one big man in his blue underpants."

Edwina Currie about John Major in her autobiography which revealed their four-year affair.

"It was the one event of my life of which I am most ashamed and I have long feared it would be made public."

Mr Major when the story was made public.

"At least it wasn't Ann Widdecombe."

Mr Major's sister, Pat Dessoy.

"You know what people call us? The nasty party."

Theresa May, the Conservatives' chairman, at the party conference.

"I'm sure that there are lots of things that I could own up to, but I slightly take the view that they are for me to know and for you lot to find out."

Tony Blair to political lobby journalists.

"Princess Margaret is being buried on that day. I will absolutely not allow anything else to be."

The reported response of Martin Sixsmith, then communications director of the Transport Department, to spin doctor Jo Moore who allegedly suggested that unfavourable railway statistics should be released that day.

"The people that know me best know that I am not a liar."

Steven Byers, resigning as a government minister after a spectacular public clash between Mr Sixsmith and Ms Moore.

Health

"You have cancer, I have asthma; we all have to die some time."

Mohannad Al-Fallouji, the surgeon struck off for his insensitive bedside manner.

Sport

"I ****ing hit him hard. The ball was there (I think). Take that, you ****.'

Roy Keane, the Manchester United captain, describing his brutal tackle on Manchester City's Alfe Inge Haaland which provoked a £6 million law suit.

"The last positive thing England did for cricket was invent it."

Ian Chappell, the former Australian Test captain.

"The only thing I had on my mind was tennis, and sometimes girls."

Boris Becker, three-time Wimbledon champion, in court in Munich on why he owes $3 million in taxes from 1991-93.

"Nothing can compare with the arrival of your first child. Not even winning Wimbledon."

Tim Henman, who has never made it past the Wimbledon semi-finals.

"You worked ****ing hard out there. You did a ****ing good job. Not your fault he fluked the ****er in, is it. Eh? Eh?"

David Beckham, the team captain, consoles David Seaman, the goalkeeper, after the blunder that cost England the game against Brazil in the World Cup.

"Rugby is a secret the men kept for years and years and years, and now we've cracked it."

Paula George, the captain of England's women's rugby team.

"What's it like to be in a coma?"

A Sports Illustrated reporter speaking to Evil Knievel.

"How the **** do I know? I was in a coma."

The stuntman's reply.

"I'm giving the asylum back to the lunatics."

Keith Harris quitting as chairman of the Football League after the ITV Digital fiasco.

"I was in for 10 hours and had 40 pints - beating my previous record by 20 minutes."

George Best on the blood transfusion for his liver transplant.

"If you count your chickens before they're hatched, they won't lay an egg."

Bobby Robson (now Sir), Newcastle United's manager.

"I haven't got big ears. I've got a very small head."

Gary Lineker, the footballer-turned-television presenter.

"Over here a dog is for Christmas, over there it could be for breakfast, lunch or dinner."

A joke on a Radio 5 World Cup website, for which the BBC apologised to South Korea.

"I'm not Mother Teresa. I'm not Charles Manson either. Just treat me equal."

Mike Tyson at the Nevada Athletic Commission's hearing over his boxing licence.

Business

"I do not know what excess profits means."

Matthew Barrett, the chief executive of Barclays Bank, at a Treasury select committee hearing during which MPs accused the big four banks of making too much money.

"We are very sorry, but we put a digit in the wrong place."

A spokesman for the Halifax bank which accidentally encouraged ISA customers to ring a gay dating service.

"Just because you're at the scene of an accident doesn't mean you caused it."

John Ormerod, of Anderson UK, the auditors to the collapsed energy giant Enron.

"Why will British people buy a courgette without a wrapper, but a cucumber has to be in this wretched plastic?"

Carlos Criado-Perez, Safeway's chief executive, before the supermarket group's disappointing sales for 2002.

"Milkmen have floats."

Philip Green, the owner of BhS, on being asked if he planned to float the group.

Royal Family

"It will be an awful lot for any man to take on: public scrutiny, a mad family - the Fergusons, not the others - and two granddaughters of the Queen."

The Duchess of York does not rule out marrying again.

"Oh, yes, I can smell the lavender from here."

David Blunkett in Highgrove's gardens with the Prince of Wales.

"I am sorry, Home Secretary, but I think that's my aftershave."

Prince Charles's response.

"Do you still throw spears at each other?"

Prince Philip on meeting Aborigines in Queensland.

"I had dreaded this moment. . . she seemed gloriously unstoppable."

The Prince of Wales on the death of the Queen Mother.

Show business

"Je ne regrette rien."

Ulrika Jonsson on the publication of her memoirs.

"I made a terrible mistake. I got caught up in the excitement of the moment."

Michael Jackson, the singer, explaining why he dangled his baby over a balcony in Berlin.

"They've put me in the Alice in Wonderland ward because they think I'm crazy."

Adam Ant, the 1980s pop star, sectioned after a pub incident.

"I wish I'd never said anything about being a virgin now."

Britney Spears on being asked if she would stick to her pledge of not having sex before marriage.

"They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties."

The late Peggy Lee, the jazz legend, on her four marriages.

"Not in my garden."

The Queen, when Paul McCartney asked if there could be another Royal jubilee concert.

"When one door closes another one falls on top of you."

Angus Deayton, the disgraced television presenter

An irate wife who thought her husband was cheating on her served him up a curry laced with dog poo, a Scottish court has heard.

Jill Martin plead guilty to charges of reckless conduct relating to the 'special' curry she made for her estranged husband Donald.

When Mr Martin began eating the curry she laughed out loud and told him it was full of arsenic before confessing she'd actually put dog excrement in the curry.

Mr Martin's defence lawyer likened the incident to "an episode of Desperate Housewives," the BBC said.

Defence lawyers claimed Mr Martin's constant questioning of his wife's mothering skills had been part of five years of emotional abuse which had a huge impact on her state of mind.

The court heard the couple's 21-year-marriage "had hit an all time low" in recent years as Mr Martin started a business without his wife's knowledge. She assumed he was cheating on her with another woman.

Mrs Martin was legally barred from the family home and her husband following her initial arrest.

The judge has deferred sentencing until November, though the couple have since begun divorce proceedings.

Mr. Martin said he knew his "wife had the shits but didn't expect to eat it" He further went on to explain the the incident had left a bad taste in his mouth.

Marriage councelling has been cancelled after everything bogged down and the these last two paragraphs are really just crap added by Crow Boy to an otherwise true story

CB

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having 'xxx' with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said

from the BBC News/Africa, so it must be true...

LaoPo

Sudan's famous goat 'wife' dies

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6619983.stm

The Boeing 737 stuck in city road

By Monica Chadha

BBC News, Mumbai

No-one is assuming responsibility for moving the plane

Residents of the Indian city of Mumbai (Bombay) are wondering how long it will take to remove a disused Boeing 737 that has been abandoned in a busy road.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6620461.stm

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having 'xxx' with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said

from the BBC News/Africa, so it must be true...

LaoPo

Sudan's famous goat 'wife' dies

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6619983.stm

After the goat died the man had the animal served up as a curry at the funeral. Everyone said it was very tasty and asked for the recipe. Mr Tombe replied the meat had to be pounded and marinated in special sauce until tender. Mr Tombe has since left and relocated to New Zealand saying the opportunities there were much better.

CB

Source

Topless car wash cleared for business

A topless car wash in Brisbane has been cleared for operation after authorities found no laws or water restrictions were being broken.

Strip club entrepreneur Warren Armstrong has set up Bubbles 'n' Babes at Albion in the city's inner north.

The business offers a $55 (1540 baht) car wash by a topless woman, and a $100 (2800 baht) wash by a totally nud_e female attendant - which includes an X-rated show.

A police spokeswoman told AAP no complaints had been received.

She said the business was run in a closed shed out of the public view and there had been no indication of wilful exposure, which is a criminal offence.

Acting Premier Anna Bligh said her concerns regarding public decency had been quelled after advice from police.

The operation also was running on recycled water and therefore did not break current level five restrictions, she said.

"This is one of those extreme examples of people wanting to make a buck - I think it'll have a pretty limited market," Ms Bligh said.

She said the government fleet would not be using the car wash.

"I'm sure there'll be a lot of people who've got strong views about this sort of thing and there's always be a market for it but it seems to me a pretty weird and wacky way to get your car washed," she said.

"I don't think I'll be feeling the need to have my car washed at this particular service."

Mr Armstrong gave evidence at the Fitzgerald inquiry into police corruption almost 20 years ago and was jailed for nine months after pleading guilty to keeping a premises for prostitution.

He told the City News newspaper this week the latest operation was above board.

"I'm just trying to make an honest dollar - simple as that," he said in a rare interview.

Brisbane professional car wash services are doing a roaring trade as residents face a ban on doing their own car washing under strict water restrictions.

Peter

Are there any Thailand franchises available??? Better check with Sunbelt !!!

Source

Super chocolate being developed for army

Vitamin-packed dark chocolate that won't melt in the heat of battle and will last for years is being developed for Australian soldiers.

Scientists from the Defence Science and Technology Organisation (DSTO) at Scottsdale in Tasmania are working on a new super chocolate for army ration packs.

"From a nutritionist's point of view we would love to give the soldiers a fresh meal every day," DSTO spokeswoman Helen Ward said.

"But logistics don't always allow that and we don't want our soldiers to die of malnutrition when they are in a foxhole feeling hungry."

Ms Ward said the idea of supplying troops with chocolate had psychological and physiological advantages.

"We could just give them a pill containing the same vitamins, but it would be nothing like giving them real food.

"Chocolate has long been regarded as a treat, something to look forward to, and something that would provide a mental and physical boost.

"That's why this is being developed to withstand the elements."

DSTO food technologist Dr Lan Bui, who is based at Scottsdale, said the new product is more granular and firmer but the flavour is still appealing.

"DSTO is looking at product reformulation, including new fat compounds, to improve texture and flavour, without affecting the melting point," Dr Bui said.

Normal chocolate melts at about 25-30 degrees celsius, but she said the new version will be expected to maintain its uniformity for extended periods at over 49 degrees celsius.

Scientists are working with food experts on coating vitamins to keep out humidity, moisture and oxygen, while allowing them to be slowly released into the body.

The team also is working on a milk chocolate variety and developing less permeable packaging to extend shelf life.

Peter

Spider venom could boost sex life

By Vladimir Hernandez

BBC News

Brazilian and US scientists are looking into using spider venom as a possible treatment for male impotence.

Their investigation follows reports that men bitten by the Phoneutria nigriventer experienced priapism - long and painful erections.

A two-year study has found that the venom contains a toxin, called Tx2-6, that causes erections.

Further tests are being carried out in the US before the substance can be approved for human use.

The results, from the Medical College of Georgia, are expected in a month's time.

The bite of Phoneutria nigriventer, known as the Brazilian wandering spider, is potent and can be deadly in some cases.

The Brazilian and US researchers interviewed men who claimed their sex lives had improved after a spider attack.

The relevant toxin identified in the venom has been tested successfully on other animals.

So far, scientists believe that combining a version of the spider's venom with an existing drug for erectile dysfunction - such as Viagra, Cialis or Levtra - could produce better results

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6625397.stm

Urban legend that's been circulating for awhile. Radio station name varies but I've never met anyone who actually heard it.

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp

I don't know whether you have heard this one before or not..............

Absolute Classic ... Hope she won the holiday !!!

Enjoy!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just imagine sitting in traffic on you way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners with great prizes.

Sara: Up the ass.

After a long pause, the DJ said, Folks, we need to take a station break.

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!!!!!!!

DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - May 2007

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

WENDY'S CORNER:

THE DARWIN AWARDS: Movie Debuts on DVD July 31, 2007 !!!

All-Star Cast includes Winona Ryder and Joseph Fiennes,

plus cameos from David Arquette, Julianna Margulies,

Wilmer Valdarrama, Lukas Haas, Chris Penn, & more!

Ryder and Fiennes star as an insurance claims investigator and

a forensic detective, respectively, who team up to examine cases

of potential Darwin Award candidates. Featuring re-enactments

of some of the most beloved Darwin Awards and Urban Legends,

this is a comedy about the extremes few humans dare to achieve.

Synopsis:

Detective Michael Burrows (Fiennes) is obsessed with Darwin Awards,

presented to people who accidentally kill themselves in incredibly

foolhardy ways. So when he's fired for bungling an arrest, he

offers his profiling services to a life insurance company. Now,

with the help of a tough claims investigator (Ryder) he's determined

to learn how to identify these idiots... before they die!

Directed by Finn Taylor.

The Darwin Awards DVD available soon, $19.98 U.S. / $25.98 Canada.

Excited about the movie? Email Wendy, Finn Taylor, and the Stars!

http://DarwinAwards.com/misc/email.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

CALL OF NATURE -- Confirmed Darwin Award

(9 October 2001, Switzerland) An 85-year-old pilot answering an insistent

call to urinate, was killed by his own helicopter after he landed on a

mountainous clearance near Steckborn. He had stepped away from the Ecureuil

AS350B3 Helicopter and was "in the act" when the craft took off, knocking

the pilot from the promontory.

What happened?

The pilot had left the autopilot engaged! He overrode it manually, and

temporarily, before he stepped out, but after twenty seconds, the autopilot

took control of the helicopter again. It was not equipped with devices to

determine the location of the pilot, and whether the aircraft was, in fact,

on the ground. To maintain course and airspeed, it moved the stick to the

front and right. As luck would have it, to the front and right was where

the ex-pilot choose to do his business.

The passenger managed to call help, and land safely. The pilot died from

his injuries about a year later.

Reference: bfu.admin.ch

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2001-18.html

--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

SHARK KISS - Confirmed Honorable Mention

(August 2006, Florida) A scuba diver was bitten on the lip

when he attempted to kiss a nurse shark. The bite was a surprise

to the diver, as he had already kissed hundreds of sharks.

He explained, "You pick 'em up, rub their belly, scratch 'em,

hug them, you might as well give 'em a smooch while you're there."

Past performance is no guarantee of future results. This shark took

exception to his unwanted advances, and bit him. To add insult

to injury, a group of snappers came in for a few nibbles, too.

Luckily, a patient plastic surgeon was able to repair his

mangled lip. "It was a matter of completing the puzzle and

putting (a hundred little pieces) back together again,"

Dr. Mike Kelly said.

Has the diver learned his lesson? Apparently not!

He simply plans to modify his amorous technique:

"Don't kiss a nurse shark while it's upside down."

One reporter remarked, "Better still, don't kiss them at all."