Dear Mr Chownah,

1) Why is my garden flooded?

2) If I hit somebody who first hit my dog for no reason except that my dog bit her when she trod on him, do I have to apologise or supply plasters? Should I sue? Who should pay for my dog's anti-rabies treatment?

Thank you for your sage advice.

In order:

Your garden is yearning for the good old days when it used to be a rice paddy....why not just have a little bit of compassion for your garden and take it back to the glory days of long ago by....planting some rice!!!

It is sometimes difficult to choose between providing an apology and providing a plaster...and it is even more difficult deciding whether these should be administered to the biter or the bitee...but the key here is is giving up the idea that you HAVE to supply either to either. I recommend happily providing an apology AND a plaster to the bitee (while inwardly smirking about how they had it coming hahahhahah) and also an apology AND a plaster to the biter (while inwardly thinking 'good job lassie...hope you do it again next time this cretin does her passive agressive bs').

Sue?...I though you were Jet.

Who should pay for the anti-rabies treatment....why your dogs medical insurance of course....you do have.......

Sage advice? Goes well with parsley,..., rosemary, and thyme.

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Chownah,

I would like some advice on how to win friends and influence people. Do you have any ideas or perhaps you could suggest some literature that I might try reading on my quest.

Thanks in advance.

That's easy....to win friends and influence people just do everything exactly opposite from me!!!

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I have small chickens running around my mind, however my love life is fine. What about the chickens though, will they ever go away?

Even in Bedlam the juxtaposition of "chicken" and "love life" could get someone censured...but I will not be deterred......stop feeding them and they will leave....the problem is that they might take your mind with them.....oh...never mind.

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dear chownah,

what is your thai visa password ?

regards,

Grover.

My advice is that both of you go visit a doctor really soon because Lek is my girl too and I just got back from the doctor and had a treatment which the doctor says if I had been a day later my little horse would never have been able to pull the plow again.

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Dear Chownah - I went to the doctor and he gave me a check up and everything is ok. I decided that Lek is not the girl for me and have decided to go with her younger sister Noi. I think Lek may have been lying to me because Noi said their ma ma is sick and needs to go to hospital. I know Thailand is Buddhist and they believe in reincarnation but her mother has died three times in the last two years. Is this normal?

thanks in anticipation

CB

Normal?...is it normal? The concept of normality is such a slippery little devil...dieing three times in two years is certainly UNUSUAL....but is it NORMAL? What is normal depends on the person involved...and for actual individual people what is normal depends to a great degree on thier genetics. It very well might be that Mrs. Lek-Noi has a genetic disorder which predisposes her to die frequently...and....for someone with this genetic disorder it is quite NORMAL to die even several times in one year. My advice is to not focus your attention on the mother but ask yourself......if Noi (or even Lek if you decide to revert....you are sort of fickle it seems) has inherited half here genes from her mother then what is the chance that I will develop a serious relationship with someone WHO DIES FREQUENTLY...and whether you afford the funerals.....

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dear chownah,

what is your thai visa password ?

regards,

Grover.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

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Listen chaps, my Lek is onviously not the harlot you refer to. She only works as cashier and she is not the typical bg because she is a good girl and different to all the rest. She has no need to lower herself to that of a service girl as can be seen by the BMW she drives.

Anyway to the point. Lek has invited me over to dinner and I'm not sure of the etiquette of Thai dining. Does one eat the locusts as a starter with the scorpions as entree and maeng daa as main course? That would leave the ant pupae as dessert which, to my mind, is a strange choice unless garnished with the fish stomachs.

Chownah, can you help me out of my dilemma?

Dear Chownah,

I married my sweetheart after a short time, it was great but not as good as long time. Anyway, i bought some land to build our house on but her parents, 8 brothers, 7 wives and 23 children have moved in so there is no room now.

So i bought us another house in my name (she assured me of this even though the writing was in Thai) and i trusted her so much that i let her have a Visa card. I also rent a condo in Patters which is where i am now. However, she has just told me she is in love with another farang and that both houses are not mine and she has blown over 1 million baht on the visa card. She just packed a suitcase and fled the apartment.

The problem is, in her rush to leave, i think she packed the remote control for the TV by mistake. What should i do

someone, do something, please.

close the thread, holiday him, something, anything. this guy is freaking me out

Listen chaps, my Lek is onviously not the harlot you refer to. She only works as cashier and she is not the typical bg because she is a good girl and different to all the rest. She has no need to lower herself to that of a service girl as can be seen by the BMW she drives.

Anyway to the point. Lek has invited me over to dinner and I'm not sure of the etiquette of Thai dining. Does one eat the locusts as a starter with the scorpions as entree and maeng daa as main course? That would leave the ant pupae as dessert which, to my mind, is a strange choice unless garnished with the fish stomachs.

Chownah, can you help me out of my dilemma?

I believe that SE ED book store has a great book titled "Country cuisine and associated niceities". But now that I am recommending it here they will probably be sold out in a matter of hours so best not read the rest of my reply but rush right down there and get one while they last.

You're still here?...ok...well then.....don't scoff at Lek if she forgets the fish stomachs with the ant pupae for desert...or later you might find that she has acquired a taste for rocky mountain oysters and make off with yours. What I do advise is to focus on the silverware section....it would be a disaster if you used the scorpion spoon to try to de-wing the mengda!!!

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Dear Chownah,

I married my sweetheart after a short time, it was great but not as good as long time. Anyway, i bought some land to build our house on but her parents, 8 brothers, 7 wives and 23 children have moved in so there is no room now.

So i bought us another house in my name (she assured me of this even though the writing was in Thai) and i trusted her so much that i let her have a Visa card. I also rent a condo in Patters which is where i am now. However, she has just told me she is in love with another farang and that both houses are not mine and she has blown over 1 million baht on the visa card. She just packed a suitcase and fled the apartment.

The problem is, in her rush to leave, i think she packed the remote control for the TV by mistake. What should i do

I know that this is stressful and all but stay calm.....calm....calm.......ok?.....you were so distraught that you forgot to check which channel the tv is tuned to.....odds are its the one you like anyway....and....presto.....problem solved.

Aside...the first part of your post would make the start of a (perhaps) great limmerik:

"I married my sweetheart after a short time, it was great but not as good as long time."

Can you finish it?

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someone, do something, please.

close the thread, holiday him, something, anything. this guy is freaking me out

Take two aspirin and call me in the morning...but not before 10.

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someone, do something, please.

close the thread, holiday him, something, anything. this guy is freaking me out

Take two aspirin and call me in the morning...but not before 10.

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This guy is good ! Great thread. Now if you could only help me figure out these darn asian toilets and that sprayer thingy, I would be in your debt.

This guy is good ! Great thread. Now if you could only help me figure out these darn asian toilets and that sprayer thingy, I would be in your debt.

Just how much debt were you thinking of going into?...and....do you have any collaterol I can keep until payment is made in full?

Like I always say, "Money isn't everything....but it is something."

Your free answer is.......why buy asian?.....I've got an American Standard squat toilet....no asian toilets for me!!!!!

Also, the sprayer thingy is for washing the dog...and as a pre-rinser for dishes...and just about any other dirty filthy thing you can think of...ever wonder why there is no TOILET PAPER in lots of Thai bathrooms and you are more likely to find a SPRAYER THINGY?....think about it...........

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I can not get into much more debt as I send my GF 60,000 bath a week. The good news is that I get to be with her 2 times a year!

If I may, I would like to ask a medical question of you. Lately it seems that I have hair growing from my palms and my vision is not what it used to be. Do you think this is a problem?

Listen chaps, my Lek is onviously not the harlot you refer to. She only works as cashier and she is not the typical bg because she is a good girl and different to all the rest. She has no need to lower herself to that of a service girl as can be seen by the BMW she drives.

I dunno though. First time I went out with Lek she said she would give me a handjob and it would only cost 1000B I said that was pretty expensive for a handjob and I could give myself one for free. She said "I give the best handjob in Thailand" I said "Really?" She said "you see that Honda Airblade there, I paid for that bike giving the best handjobs in Thailand" I said "really" She said "yeah" That night she gave me the best handjob I have ever had and the next day I went to see her at the gogo bar where she works as a cashier only - why do they make here wear such skimpy clothes though? I saw her and told her how much I enjoyed the handjob and she said she would give me a blow job for 5,000Baht. I said 5,000B was expensive and she took me outside and said "you see that BMW there?" I said "yes" She said "I paid for that BMW doing the best headjobs in Thailand" I said ok and she took me back and gave me the best headjob I have ever had. It was fantastic, never had anything like it before. Then the next night she couldn't see me because some business client from Koala Lumphur was coming up for a couple of days. Then when that guy finally left I saw her and said "how about a full on session. She said she would give me the best sex I have ever had for 10,000B and I thought that was a bit high. She said it was worth it and I should be happy to pay. I said it was "that good huh?" She took me outside and pointed to the penthouse of the apartment block near by. She said "you see that penthouse?" I said "yeah" She said "honey if I had a real pus#y I would have paid for that sucker by now"

So Chownah do you think that a girl with a clitoris bigger than my middle finger is normal?

CB

this is a thread hi-jack, please remain calm and we won't harm you!

We, the BSB (Bedlam Supervisory Board) have taken control over this thread and taken the OP as hostage.

As soon as the BSB is re-instated as the Bedlam Supervisor you can trust, 1 Mio Heinecken in small, not consecutive numbered bottles are delivered to our hide-out in Maprachan we will release the hostage and continue drinking.

viva la revolucion!

raro

el grande lider

this is a thread hi-jack, please remain calm and we won't harm you!

We, the BSB (Bedlam Supervisory Board) have taken control over this thread and taken the OP as hostage.

As soon as the BSB is re-instated as the Bedlam Supervisor you can trust, 1 Mio Heinecken in small, not consecutive numbered bottles are delivered to our hide-out in Maprachan we will release the hostage and continue drinking.

viva la revolucion!

raro

el grande lider

Ok let me get this straight - you have taken Chawnah prisoner and will not release him unless we send you 1 carton of Heinecken? How much will it cost us for you to keep him indefinitely?

CB

Dear Chownah,

I've blown the remnants of my divorce settlement on a new Toyota Fortuna, now I need to go back to Blighty to earn some more money but I don't have enough cash left to pay the fine for my seven month visa overstay.

However, I do have a plan and would like your learned opinion.

I've bought four lorry tire inner tubes, three of which I've lashed together to form a raft. (I'm keeping the forth one as an emergency spare). I've bought a large magnifying glass and seventy two packs of Ma-Ma (Various flavors) and I've collected three dozen empty water bottles which I will fill with drinking water. (I'll use the magnifying glass to heat the Ma-Ma with sun light).

My girlfriend Nong is at this very moment sowing my Singha and Red Bull T-shirts together to make a sale for my raft – she seems to have skills that any sailor would admire.

As I'm sure you can imagine, all these preparations have been expensive, but do I still have another Bt89.

I'm setting off for Blighty tomorrow night from the Pier in Narklua and desperately need your advice on this one last thing.

Should I take Nong out for a slap up meal at the fly shack down our Soi, or should I buy a bicycle pump just incase I need to inflate the spare lorry tire on my trip back to Blighty?

Thankyou for you advice Chownah, your'e right i don't need to change the chanel after all

"I married my sweetheart after a short time, it was great but not as good as long time."

Can you finish it?

I'll try:-

I married my sweetheart after a short time,

it was great but not as good as long time.

So we went out and got drunk

And then off to see a Monk

And now i haven't got a dime

Anybody do better?

Dear Chownah,

I'm going to Phuket for three weeks next Xmas. (Mum said it was my last chance to get a wife). I would like to stay in a newish hotel with airconditioning and a large swimming pool, on the beach road, in the range of 400-500 baht a night. Could you recommend any good places?

I heard the Merlin and Holiday Inn are good hotels.

Thanks in advance

I married my sweetheart after a short time,

It was great but not as good as long time.

I ached for it to last a lot longer

but she said for someone else she was fonder

and for me to be so short was a crime

I can not get into much more debt as I send my GF 60,000 bath a week. The good news is that I get to be with her 2 times a year!

If I may, I would like to ask a medical question of you. Lately it seems that I have hair growing from my palms and my vision is not what it used to be. Do you think this is a problem?

Think of the hair on your palms as a hair bank which you will be able to draw on for transplants in a few years when you start going bald.

Your vision isn't what it used to be....is it getting better then?

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Listen chaps, my Lek is onviously not the harlot you refer to. She only works as cashier and she is not the typical bg because she is a good girl and different to all the rest. She has no need to lower herself to that of a service girl as can be seen by the BMW she drives.

I dunno though. First time I went out with Lek she said she would give me a handjob and it would only cost 1000B I said that was pretty expensive for a handjob and I could give myself one for free. She said "I give the best handjob in Thailand" I said "Really?" She said "you see that Honda Airblade there, I paid for that bike giving the best handjobs in Thailand" I said "really" She said "yeah" That night she gave me the best handjob I have ever had and the next day I went to see her at the gogo bar where she works as a cashier only - why do they make here wear such skimpy clothes though? I saw her and told her how much I enjoyed the handjob and she said she would give me a blow job for 5,000Baht. I said 5,000B was expensive and she took me outside and said "you see that BMW there?" I said "yes" She said "I paid for that BMW doing the best headjobs in Thailand" I said ok and she took me back and gave me the best headjob I have ever had. It was fantastic, never had anything like it before. Then the next night she couldn't see me because some business client from Koala Lumphur was coming up for a couple of days. Then when that guy finally left I saw her and said "how about a full on session. She said she would give me the best sex I have ever had for 10,000B and I thought that was a bit high. She said it was worth it and I should be happy to pay. I said it was "that good huh?" She took me outside and pointed to the penthouse of the apartment block near by. She said "you see that penthouse?" I said "yeah" She said "honey if I had a real pus#y I would have paid for that sucker by now"

So Chownah do you think that a girl with a clitoris bigger than my middle finger is normal?

CB

Crow Boy, haven't I already been over this with you before...NORMAL IS A SLIPPERY LITTLE DEVIL AND REALLY HARD TO DEFINE. Jeese....are you paying attention or not.....and......didn't I sort of predict that you would be back with Lek you fickle fellow you. Could it be another genetic thing? Have you compared Lek's little boatman with Noi's (her sister for those just tuning in)?...and what about their mothers. There is a well known genetic condition where on a particular chromosome some people get two x's and some people get an x and a y......its that pesky y chromosome which gives these girls the rather large little boatmen....nothing to worry about.....enjoy................just sing along "row row row your boat, gently...."

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Dear Chownah,

I've blown the remnants of my divorce settlement on a new Toyota Fortuna, now I need to go back to Blighty to earn some more money but I don't have enough cash left to pay the fine for my seven month visa overstay.

However, I do have a plan and would like your learned opinion.

I've bought four lorry tire inner tubes, three of which I've lashed together to form a raft. (I'm keeping the forth one as an emergency spare). I've bought a large magnifying glass and seventy two packs of Ma-Ma (Various flavors) and I've collected three dozen empty water bottles which I will fill with drinking water. (I'll use the magnifying glass to heat the Ma-Ma with sun light).

My girlfriend Nong is at this very moment sowing my Singha and Red Bull T-shirts together to make a sale for my raft – she seems to have skills that any sailor would admire.

As I'm sure you can imagine, all these preparations have been expensive, but do I still have another Bt89.

I'm setting off for Blighty tomorrow night from the Pier in Narklua and desperately need your advice on this one last thing.

Should I take Nong out for a slap up meal at the fly shack down our Soi, or should I buy a bicycle pump just incase I need to inflate the spare lorry tire on my trip back to Blighty?

Take two baht and have the tire inflated before you leave...you can tow it behind you...take the remaining 87 baht and have a wonderful meal before your departure....and......BON VOYAGE!!!!!

An option is to drive all the way in the Voyager...you could crash the border like Bonnie and Clyde (take Nong along to fill out your gruesome two some) and rob banks all along the way to finance the petrol and the beer!!!! BON VOYAGE, DESPERADOS!!!!!

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I can not get into much more debt as I send my GF 60,000 bath a week. The good news is that I get to be with her 2 times a year!

If I may, I would like to ask a medical question of you. Lately it seems that I have hair growing from my palms and my vision is not what it used to be. Do you think this is a problem?

Think of the hair on your palms as a hair bank which you will be able to draw on for transplants in a few years when you start going bald.

Your vision isn't what it used to be....is it getting better then?

Next.

Ah, so you know what im talking about. I feel better knowing that im not alone in this.

Is there a place that we can go for meetings? A forum maybe?

Dear Chownah,

I'm going to Phuket for three weeks next Xmas. (Mum said it was my last chance to get a wife). I would like to stay in a newish hotel with airconditioning and a large swimming pool, on the beach road, in the range of 400-500 baht a night. Could you recommend any good places?

I heard the Merlin and Holiday Inn are good hotels.

Thanks in advance

Let's see....three weeks is 21 days at 500 baht per day that comes to 10,500 baht for accomodations....hhhmmmmm.......spend 500 baht for a blue tarp, some bamboo poles and some plastic cordage.....fashion a tent from these on the beach right next to either the Merlin or Holiday Inn. Buy a small can of bright pink paint (about 50 baht) and paint "Phuket Palace Hotel and Bar, Old Croc proprietor" on the front flap. You still have 9,950 baht left in your accomodation budget...with this you buy some ice every day for air conditioning and you also buy a few get out of jail free cards (available through Monopoly, Inc. I think) so that when you sneak into the Merlin or Holiday Inn pool for a dip and they call the cops you will be able to...you guest it...get out of jail free!!!!!!

And...for just 100 baht more you could buy a tarp big enough so that after you make the tent you could make a complete suit of clothes out of the same material so that the proprietor of the Phuket Palace Hotel will be easily recognized wherever he goes....nice touch...don't you think?

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I can not get into much more debt as I send my GF 60,000 bath a week. The good news is that I get to be with her 2 times a year!

If I may, I would like to ask a medical question of you. Lately it seems that I have hair growing from my palms and my vision is not what it used to be. Do you think this is a problem?

Think of the hair on your palms as a hair bank which you will be able to draw on for transplants in a few years when you start going bald.

Your vision isn't what it used to be....is it getting better then?

Next.

Ah, so you know what im talking about. I feel better knowing that im not alone in this.

Is there a place that we can go for meetings? A forum maybe?

Yes, I know what you are talking about...you have made it quite clear that you have hair growing on your palms and your eyesight is improving....my advice is to leave well enough alone.

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....my advice is to leave well enough alone.

Thats probally the best advice you have given so far....

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