School Bullying

[lolex]

Recently, my nine year old (luuk kreung....half-farang) Thai daughter has started to be 'picked-on' at school. She's coping, but it's not good for her and she intimated to me that she sometimes has to go to the toilets to have a cry, on her own (she doesn't want her antagonists to see her cry).

I gather the bullying is quite frequent.
Picking-on her includes excluding her from the group, teasing, name calling and so on.

As school bullying is an age old problem...I'm thinking that the school should have some strategies to address it. (I'm not an educator so I don't know about these things.) There's a lot of anti-bullying work being done in Australia at present.

So I thought I'd write to the head teacher and tell them it's happening and ask them if they have strategies to address it. (It's a good middle- range English Programme school - some farangs but mostly Thai) I don't want to make things worse for my daughter though.

Has anyone else has run into this problem?  And do you have any useful suggestions on how to deal with it. I will be very grateful for your insights.

[ Please see this Bangkok Post article....it's a serious problem in Thailand, as well as worldwide.]
<<<<Link to Bangkok Post removed>>>>

 

[2 is 1]

My misses is teacher( now supervisor). She said you need talk whit teacher and normaly kids respect so much teacher that they stop that bullying after teacher hava a word whit them.

Its more problem in primary school than later. Hope you find good teatcher to talk whit, if not then contact to school director . 

[Kwasaki]

As you say it could make things worse but I would still get my Mrs to go and see the headmaster.

[FritsSikkink]

Go to the school yourself and talk to the teacher. See if your daughter likes martial arts to get more confident and more respect from the other kids

[metisdead]

Some posts advocating violence and the replies have been removed.

 

The link to the Bangkok Post article has been removed:

 

26) The Bangkok Post and Phuketwan do not allow quotes from their news articles or other material to appear on Thaivisa.com. Neither do they allow links to their publications. Posts from members containing quotes from or links to Bangkok Post or Phuketwan publications will be deleted from the forum.

[holy cow cm]

Where are you and what type of school? This could make a difference. Mine in the youngest year of Prathom got a little here and there. Kids copy their parents foul mouths and racist brains. Talk to the teacher may be a best good thing to do. When my kids were young we did infact talk to the teacher and it did seem to help. Later years in Mathayom get better.

[John435]

Does your daughter have a form teacher? Speak to him/her. 

[AlexRich]

Your kid needs to focus on the ringleader, my Dad told me what to do, and I did it. The others didn’t fancy it much after that. 

[EVENKEEL]

I have a 9 yr old daughter as well attending an English program school. She's never talked about any bullying.

 

Has your girl talked about the reason for bullying. Usually there's a reason. 

[Kinok Powell]

6 hours ago, AlexRich said:

Your kid needs to focus on the ringleader, my Dad told me what to do, and I did it. The others didn’t fancy it much after that. 

Rock hard.

[suzannegoh]

1 hour ago, EVENKEEL said:

Has your girl talked about the reason for bullying. Usually there's a reason. 

Nonsense.  The reason that bullies bully is because they can.

[Tropposurfer]

As a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist I would firstly say it's imperative you let your daughter know that you know she is in pain, that you know the bullying is real, that it is in no way her fault, and that it's completely unacceptable she be treated by anyone like that and that you will move heaven and earth to protect her. 

Its okay too to let her know how you feel about this abuse to the child you love (e.g. angry sad) this brings deeper emotional support to the child (but make sure that you contain any feelings you express and hold them as your responsibility not the child's) i.e. don't let her start to take care of your feelings in this, that is your job to do for yourself and her as she is still a child. 

It's secondly imperative that you and your wife hold a consistent 'line' regarding this and that both of you intervene on her behalf with the teacher and the head of the school, and that you both bring support nourishment and caring at home. Nourishment is showing genuine love and noticing or 'seeing' her in everyday life.  This can take the form of helping with study. and simple, slow, activities together. If she has other girlfriends it might be an idea to ask if a sleepover or hanging-out and asking the girls to talk about their experiences and to share amongst themselves.

Given the notions of 'face' in Thailand (and in the subtle supporting, and encouraging awareness and action by the school) I would sit and talk with your wife and plan a way in the manner you approach the school - and approach the school asap. Maybe let your wife begin the conversation with the teacher/s and add your bits as you feel is needed.

I would ask for the children in question to be held lovingly confronted, asked what it would be like for them to be harrassed and emotionally tortured as they are doing to your daughter, and to make it crystal clear that they are being held accountable and to 'own' what they are doing. These kids learn to do such stuff. Few kids are sociopathic in their genetic makeup and so bullying is a learned, socialised experience in its execution and its origins.

Perhaps for you and your wife, and maybe in time even your daughter too to understand the old adage that 'hurt people hurt people'. Children or adults that harm others verbally or physically are being, or have been hurt and shamed/humiliated and disempowered.

But don't rush to get your daughter to 'understand' these kids. What is imperative at this time is to intervene, validate, empower, and support your daughter.

Part of the rehab for your daughter could contain genuine and heartfelt validation and praise of her by both you and your wife. This might `be emotional for you all and while this is an experience of being vulnerable for you, and your daughter the expression of feelings about this cruel and scaring behaviour and the release of these hurt crying feelings are healing.

I would provide deliberate opportunity for her to cry with you and to comfort her. What I mean is if you are with her as much as you can be and talk to her gently about the pain she most likely will let-go and let some of the feelings she has pent up, out. 

Then as the emotional expression subsides slowly and gently praise ... sight how brave, smart, insightful she is, and how her capacity to feel as she does is a wonderful gift etc. Tell her how proud you are of the wonderful child she is and that you will never abandon her and take care of her. Letting her know that she can always come to you no matter what happens in her life.

The experience of withdrawal after being abused, and the uptake of shame that abusers carry and which transfers into the abused is almost a given and needs to be addressed over time. 

Some of the offerings I make above go directly to countering this shame-transfer and validating and if needed in degree, to rebuilding her core-self. Her 'self' has been pressed in on by these children and needs to be fed and expanded back out to a stronger place. Her sadness and pain indicates this need. 

I also agree with the member who said to ask her about and introduce her to self defense. Some good Muay Thai/MMA training won't hurt. Especially idf her treacher show sna d develops respect for self and others and self management of fear and threat.

Sadly some bullikes need to be stood up to physically. Not always, but it is a reality in this world that words and taking the higher moral ground is very difficult for many children to do (this is more of a grown adult, but rarer child-mind ability, and to expect a child to be able to do this denies the reality of being a small learning human).

We should be careful to not say such stuff as 'ignore them' or 'don't worry about, don't be so sensitive, that's life get over it', or some such stuff as this denies the child's experience of the extreme hurt and fear she experiences and indicates she 'should' be acting and being another way.

Remember she's a kid and as such is vulnerable and dependent on you to protect her when needed (as is the case here) and to guide and grow her so she has the tools and self-esteem to love herself and self-validate. If you're unsure then go talk to a counsellor and discuss and brainstorm together how to help your child. I am sure you'll do well in caring for your beloved child. 

 

Edited April 19, 2021 by Tropposurfer

[1FinickyOne]

I feel sad for your daughter... and I would include her in any decision about what to do... though you can take the leading role.. 

 

Kids can be cruel though I think everyone I know got teased about something it should not get carried too far.

 

Good luck. 

[1FinickyOne]

42 minutes ago, Tropposurfer said:

As a qualified counsellor and psychotherapist

Great post and how truly kind of you to take the time to help some else...

 

 

[KarenBravo]

Yes, bullying is an age old problem that in my opinion is impossible to fix. If I was being bullied and heard that my parents were going to turn up to the school and complain, I would be mortified. The news would get out about it and would be heard by all.........including the bullies, which would only add petrol to the fire.

 

Throughout life you are always going to run in to bullies, therefore, trying to change the behaviour of each bully is futile. The trick is to change yourself and how you react to bullies. 

[mrbojangles]

Troll post and response removed

[Ventenio]

you haven't told me enough to say it's bad.  seems normal, per initial post.

 

i would encourage her to start a hobby.  get good at something she can do by herself.  run, swim, draw.... whatever.

 

then join a team or club.  

 

first you love yourself.  confidence is fine.  then you can fall back on your confidence.  then involve others.  

 

i was a bully when i was younger, and i got bullied sometimes as well.  boy vs. boy stuff.  wrestle, whatever......so long ago i don't remember.  and in my high school it was all sport "smack talk".  

 

good luck

[mrbojangles]

Extremely interesting subject. After having lived in Saudi for 13 years we have just moved to Thailand and I was a bit worried about my daughter fitting in at a new school (English Programe).  I have regular chats with her to see what's going on and all seems fine at the moment and she is fitting in.

 

This wasn't always the case. She was extremely shy when she was young and I noticed straight away that some of the other kids would push her out of the way etc. Someone mentioned earlier about Martial Arts and although I'm not a qualified bullying expert, I can attest to this style worked for us. The only martial arts class near us was Tae Kwon Do and so she enrolled, she took to it straight away, met new friends and ended up getting her junior black belt before we moved here. She doesn't go around bullying but what it gave her was confidence in herself and confidence to not be pushed around. You can see it in the way they walk, talk and hold themselves when they get their confidence back. Maybe worth a try

[Pedrogaz]

1 hour ago, KarenBravo said:

Yes, bullying is an age old problem that in my opinion is impossible to fix. If I was being bullied and heard that my parents were going to turn up to the school and complain, I would be mortified. The news would get out about it and would be heard by all.........including the bullies, which would only add petrol to the fire.

 

Throughout life you are always going to run in to bullies, therefore, trying to change the behaviour of each bully is futile. The trick is to change yourself and how you react to bullies. 

Excellent post. The bullied need to find the mental resources to stand up to the bullies. It is a life long problem if you don't learn how to sort it out. 

[Tee00]

One smack in the face will change that bullies attitude.Have you're Daughter give them a back hand swat.that will change some behaviors

[seajae]

in Australia I taught my daughter how to punch properly with power, she laid out one girl that was bullying her and no one ever bullied her again, when the school contacted me about it I told them that after we had notified them it was happening they did nothing  and it kept happening so I taught her to defend herself. This girl kept walking on her heels making her shoes start to come off and trying to trip her up while calling her various names etc(along with her friends as groups seem to think they are better), my daughter turned around and laid her out with one solid punch, her friends sh*t themselves and took off, sometimes force is the only thing these idiots understand. If the teachers wont do anything you can always get your daughter to point out the ones doing it and talk to their parents.

[AlexRich]

15 hours ago, Kinok Powell said:

Rock hard.

Truth. I went to an inner city primary school in Glasgow. Most of the kids were poor and underprivileged. Having a nice chat or talking to the teacher doesn’t quite cut it. 
 

Bullies follow the path of least resistance, and they have acolytes and followers who join in if they think you are soft and offer no response. Violence in school follows the Olympic Games ideals ... it’s not the winning and losing that counts, it’s the taking part. And if you’re prepared to stand up for yourself, the problem will go away. 
 

Scoff all you like.

Edited April 19, 2021 by AlexRich

[AgMech Cowboy]

On 4/18/2021 at 7:02 PM, metisdead said:

Posts from members containing quotes from or links to Bangkok Post or Phuketwan publications will be deleted from the forum.

Good to know. I'm sure it's in the rules, but many of us forget.

[marc26]

On 4/18/2021 at 9:22 PM, Ventenio said:

you haven't told me enough to say it's bad.  seems normal, per initial post.

 

i would encourage her to start a hobby.  get good at something she can do by herself.  run, swim, draw.... whatever.

 

then join a team or club.  

 

first you love yourself.  confidence is fine.  then you can fall back on your confidence.  then involve others.  

 

i was a bully when i was younger, and i got bullied sometimes as well.  boy vs. boy stuff.  wrestle, whatever......so long ago i don't remember.  and in my high school it was all sport "smack talk".  

 

good luck

I agree 100%
My wife took on her 8yr old niece. She was born with crossed eyes and wears these big glasses.

She is as meek and shy as they come

When my wife took her in, she was 26 out of 29 in class

 

We asked her what she was interested in, did she want to play an instrument, dance, etc....

She asked if she could take swimming classes, we got her into that and her confidence has soared........

 

She is now 12 out of 29 in school...............all through having a bit more confidence

[Jillie Norman]

Glad to hear she's getting confident. I applaud people like you who supports kids like this.