How many of you that had bad marriages to Thai women would try again but do things differently if you had a time machine?

[BritManToo]

8 minutes ago, Dart12 said:

What is "the dread game"?  

Fear of loss ........

Could be loss of money, love, lifestyle, shelter.

[lanng khao]

28 minutes ago, petermik said:

Never let a woman get the upper hand.

I told my Mrs , listen, I wear the trousers in this relationship,,, I've just got to iron them first..

[ivor bigun]

I met my Thai wife 25 yrs ago ,her family are not poor and have never asked for anything ,we met when i had a business in BKK ,we have lived in the uk and now here for about 15 yrs ,i would not change a minute of it.

before that i had a Thai girlfriend ,she came from a poorer family ,she also was lovely ,but it was never going to end in Marriage.

[WhiteBuffaloATM]

Great relationship for ten years now & child. Educated progressive lady. architect. 25 year age gap is no problem.had to suspend my “zero tolerance” policy few times. which protected me for years from less suitable women. have to show who the boss is too sometimes. 

 

marriage gives way too much value / power to women. little in it for men that I can see. she has travelled & stayed with me in Europe and Korea. great company. interested in ideas like me. she operated her own watch business pre- covid (which I was happy to fund). shes switched to online plant business. shes still very thai though. eats only thai food with occasional Italian, has her superstitions like ghosts & thai astrology (charts predicting future!). hates the self serving establishment. never asked for money or marriage. has renovated / refurnished house & built / planted our lovely garden.

 

everything in my name. she gets all my thai assets in the will. plan to transfer the car & motorbike to her name next week.she’s earned that. never planned to invest more than the 3 mill baht here for small house. then bought off plan pool villa for 10 mill in pre- crash boom times thinking to make profit of 5 mill two years later when Built. 2008 / 9  crash left me stuck with it. so developed / lived / rented it.

 

luckily its a great seaview pool villa property. good location & design. separate ground level apartment below house. so can live / rent either at same time.trying to sell (again) now to fulfill her dream of small self design / build house.( 6 mill budget) happy to fund that as shes earned it and well worth it and theres her and our childs future to financially secure here.

[Kwasaki]

2 hours ago, zzaa09 said:

This will be key. 

What many still do is go out of their way to detach themselves [and gf/wife] from the instinctive familial and social extensions that makes them who they are. A safety net...sort to speak. 

Is it any wonder why too many Farang feel as a foreigner or outsider and wonder why folks still regard them as such - never making an attempt to blend. 

Not the key for everyone that's just your own generalization.

[1FinickyOne]

It might have served you well to have learned something more of the culture...

 

If I remember correctly, in one post you complained of doing work for your in-laws and being deeply insulted by not even getting a thank you...

 

It is just that it is not part of their customs to verbalize this. I remember many decades ago, buying a [cheap used] car for one of my artist suppliers and feeling hurt that he never said thank you. You can't blame him for not knowing that is our custom.

 

Fortunately I was aware of many of the cultural difference before moving to the village and learned to keep my eyes open and learn both language and customs and not assume anything. I have done a lot for my wife's family, my family, because I could and though I don't think I was ever 'thanked' in a Western way [ how could they know such things?] I see it in their actions, trust and so many many many ways... 

 

It also dates back to the early 1800s when the first Chinese traders arrived that it was advantageous for a lovely young Thai lady to marry well [financially] I think there was a time here when people thought all farang were rich and that may have left some ladies quite disappointed in their choices. Marriage is rarely the type of partnership that it is for 20 year olds in the Western World... especially when there are age and educational and societal class differences... and this goes for me too. I am sure my wife had more than just romance in mind when she married me - she was hoping for a better life [financially] 

 

So, disappointment and mis-understandings can be present on both sides. I would love to hear your wife's version of what went wrong in your marriage... 

 

 

[mokwit]

Superficially, Thai women are the most attractive I have ever come across - they have this energy and vivacity - they're like humming birds.

 

Advice I was given very early on: "You can spend 3 years trying to work through the issues, but at the end of 3 years she will be the same and you will have wasted 3 years of your life"

 

...and that is exactly what I did - the terrible sadness of it was that we were able to work out many issues, but the biggie was the irrational fear of infidelity and trying to keep me under house arrest.

[BritManToo]

2 minutes ago, mokwit said:

Advice I was given very early on: "You can spend 3 years trying to work through the issues, but at the end of 3 years she will be the same and you will have wasted 3 years of your life"

Don't talk to them much ...... and most of the issues are gone.

Quite early on I realised Thai guys don't really talk to their women.

[Hummin]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

My wife's family were lovely, till I got married. Then the facade dropped.

I kind of knew har family before, but even she had discard her family, they still managed to manipulate her over the sea. So many crises and so many bissiness plans they tried to haul out of here, and created so much insecurity in her that it totally wrecked our marriage. 

 

Our relationship started with she was getting married to an much older man (german) picked by her mother. I knew this girl two years before we married, and lived together for 16 months here in Thailand, so I felt I knew her pretty well, and her family. What I did not understand, was how much trouble they could make for her when she moved with me back home. Her lazy brothers and mom totally made a dissaster.  

[RafPinto]

1 minute ago, Hummin said:

I kind of knew har family before, but even she had discard her family, they still managed to manipulate her over the sea. So many crises and so many bissiness plans they tried to haul out of here, and created so much insecurity in her that it totally wrecked our marriage. 

 

Our relationship started with she was getting married to an much older man (german) picked by her mother. I knew this girl two years before we married, and lived together for 16 months here in Thailand, so I felt I knew her pretty well, and her family. What I did not understand, was how much trouble they could make for her when she moved with me back home. Her lazy brothers and mom totally made a dissaster.  

I don't know where all those old germans come from.

I dated also a few and all of them had a "german" ex.

[thaibeachlovers]

14 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I would love to hear your wife's version of what went wrong in your marriage... 

As she told it to me, her sister was pressuring her to divorce me because I didn't give them money. I did a lot for them in rewiring houses and doing plumbing but they wanted baht.

 

16 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

If I remember correctly, in one post you complained of doing work for your in-laws and being deeply insulted by not even getting a thank you...

I wasn't deeply insulted, but felt used. It wouldn't have mattered so much, except they asked me to do the work, which I did for free, and even paid for the materials myself.

In return they did nothing for me at all, and they stole a lot of my stuff. I doubt Thai culture covers that.

 

20 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I see it in their actions, trust and so many many many ways... 

I didn't.

[thaibeachlovers]

^ PS. there are words in the Thai language for "Thank You", so it must be part of their culture.

[1FinickyOne]

1 minute ago, thaibeachlovers said:

they stole a lot of my stuff. I doubt Thai culture covers that.

unless there is some reason that they felt they deserved it and you had shorted them... [which they would not say verbally] 

 

I have seen many many times where farang have made or implied promises of money and things and never intended or had the means to deliver... sometimes it is done unintentionally by the farang as well... expensive vacations and restaurants that are part of a Western courtship tradition but here, might represent creating a false impression that the poor Thai guy from the village cannot employ.. 

[CharlieH]

3 hours ago, HeijoshinCool said:

.

 

There remains a wise saying of those who went before us; pay it heed....

 

Your village called. They want their idiot back.

Better than them ssking for the "bike" back !......????????????????

[1FinickyOne]

4 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

^ PS. there are words in the Thai language for "Thank You", so it must be part of their culture.

yes, of course there are - - don't be a wise ass - it is a question of usage... you dismiss/debate your cultural inefficiencies quite easily - no wonder you had issues here... 

[1FinickyOne]

8 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

30 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I see it in their actions, trust and so many many many ways... 

I didn't.

The fact that you can't see things is not their fault... 

[BritManToo]

4 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

I have seen many many times where farang have made or implied promises of money and things and never intended or had the means to deliver... sometimes it is done unintentionally by the farang as well... expensive vacations and restaurants that are part of a Western courtship tradition but here, might represent creating a false impression that the poor Thai guy from the village cannot employ.. 

Took mine on holiday once ........ she went mad (with greed/avarice) so I never took her again.

Better off left surrounded by those who have less than her IMHO.

Hard to 'monkey branch' when there are no other branches in sight.

[thaibeachlovers]

Just now, 1FinickyOne said:

unless there is some reason that they felt they deserved it and you had shorted them... [which they would not say verbally] 

 

I have seen many many times where farang have made or implied promises of money and things and never intended or had the means to deliver... sometimes it is done unintentionally by the farang as well... expensive vacations and restaurants that are part of a Western courtship tradition but here, might represent creating a false impression that the poor Thai guy from the village cannot employ.. 

I think you missed where I said they were wealthier than I.

 

They stole my beach clothes, he stole my tools, she stole my brand new expensive fry pan. Why would they feel they deserved them? They would have just thrown the clothes away.

 

I never promised them anything, implied or otherwise, so get off that kick.

 

Sometimes it really is as simple as they were bad people- end of.

[BritManToo]

2 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

They stole my beach clothes, he stole my tools, she stole my brand new expensive fry pan. Why would they feel they deserved them? They would have just thrown the clothes away.

A lot of Thai villagers assume everything (in the village?) is held in common.

Did you try helping yourself to their stuff? I'm betting they wouldn't have had a problem.

 

Your mistake for moving in with 'the village people'.

[thaibeachlovers]

4 minutes ago, 1FinickyOne said:

yes, of course there are - - don't be a wise ass - it is a question of usage... you dismiss/debate your cultural inefficiencies quite easily - no wonder you had issues here... 

Do I detect a hint of self superiority sneaking in there?

I never had cultural issues. I had a bad family issue.

I got on fine in Thailand till we moved to the village and they got her where they wanted her.

[thaibeachlovers]

Just now, BritManToo said:

A lot of Thai villagers assume everything (in the village?) is held in common.

Did you try helping yourself to their stuff? I'm betting they wouldn't have had a problem.

No, and they didn't steal it in the village. It was in a locked suitcase in the house my wife and I lived in in Lamphun.

I didn't need any of their stuff, as I bought my own.

[CharlieH]

4 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Biggest problem is most of these girls can be amazing at first. Many show their true colors first few weeks to a month into the honeymoon period and its easy to weed them out. The ones playing the long game are the most dangerous. First thing I always tell anyone asking me about living here is DONT go and live in her village or even contemplate it until you have known her for at least 2 years. They usually just have too many skeletons there...ex boyfriends, current boyfriends or husbands...kids...gambling issues or debts, not to mention family dropping in and taking what they want whenever they feel like it. I have lived in 3 villages and everyone had a few women who had foreign boyfriends or husbands...usually fly in fly out types and as soon as the guy was gone the Thai boyfriend moved in. The other villagers see no wrong in this by the way. Happened to me big time. Luckily I didn't invest too much apart from emotionally.... and about $50k AUD. Not life destroying though. Long distance relationships can intensify feelings too. I know a couple of guys here at the moment invested everything and coming into the waking up stage. the future for them probably back to Australia trying to live on a pension with all retirement funds gone. Talking predominantly about uneducated / unemployed village type girls from a poorer back ground here. And by the way its not only old farang / young girl relationships that fail here. Know many blokes had major problems with older women too. Mostly about gambling and debts more than anything. Always seems to be an underlying expectation or entitlement when a Thai woman meets a foreign man here. Not of a better life....but a Disneyland style life where the money never stops pouring in. This is where the trouble starts in my experience. the guy comes here with his retirement money. Thinks he will buy a nice house, new vehicles....get set up comfortable. buy the wife a bit of gold, go on a couple of holidays then settle down to a modest life. problem seems to start at this point where the guy was expecting at some point to live on a budget, but the wife thought the money flow was never going to stop. This seems to be when she gets the idea she found this golden goose pretty easily, surely can find another one...and out on your backside. They are not all like this of course and you will learn a lot more about whos who and what's what after living here but its so easy to get sucked in early on in the piece, and for some it can mean game over. 

 

1) When you first come here live in neutral territory away from her past and family

 

2) Do no buy property. Rent is so cheap here. Buying property you will never own and can lose any time doesn't make sense. And make sure the lease is in your name. Always maintain control of your life and belongings. Remember anything you have in someone else's home (even if you paid for it) is deemed theirs unless you can prove otherwise. It's great having your own place, you can make improvements, always something to do. But here it will never be YOUR place unless you want to buy a Condo

 

3) Buy vehicles in your name. Some dealers will tell you you can't, you can. They either don;t know or don't want to do the extra paperwork. Easier to put in your wife / GF name. If they wont sell you a vehicle go somewhere else.

 

4) Don't buy too many possessions until you are sure you want to live here long term. For many the gloss of Thailand can wear off after a few months to a few years. the golden rule is never buy anything in Thailand unless you can afford to walk away and leave it.

 

4) Make sure your prospective partner is bringing something long term to the relationship, other than a cute smile and slim little body. Most can't drive, don't work, know very little about anything outside of their village, don't cook, want to sleep all day and expect you to provide everything whilst giving nothing in return. This gets old fast.

 

5) If at all possible don't move in with a steady girlfriend initially. Play the field. Learn the game. Plenty of fish in the sea here. Unfortunately for most of us the reason we move here is because of a girl. Not to say use and abuse them, but until you find the right one. Go by the old adage....if it has wheels, floats, flys or has boobs....rent it. I would advise dating for at least 3 months before you let anyone move in. As a wise old man lived here a long time once told me....they are very easy to find, not so easy to get rid of. And "Thais are opportunists, do not present them with easy opportunities".

  

If that was an opening post I would PIN thatto the top of the forum as a beacon for all the fresh fish !

[1FinickyOne]

5 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

A lot of Thai villagers assume everything (in the village?) is held in common.

Did you try helping yourself to their stuff? I'm betting they wouldn't have had a problem.

 

Your mistake for moving in with 'the village people'.

This is correct - my wife's sister once took my bathroom scale - of course, she never saw me using it... but there was absolutely nothing malicious about it... and it meant nothing - when I asked she gave it back - we both laughed... 

 

 

[thaibeachlovers]

3 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

A lot of Thai villagers assume everything (in the village?) is held in common.

Did you try helping yourself to their stuff? I'm betting they wouldn't have had a problem.

 

Your mistake for moving in with 'the village people'.

I had no problem with village life, or the villagers. Just her family. We left the village to get away from them, but they followed us to Lamphun. Had we gone back to Pattaya I doubt they would have moved near us.

 

I really believe that had I not moved to the village we might have had a chance for a good life together.

[OneMoreFarang]

Don't marry, don't buy a house in her name, live where you want to live and not in her village. And keep in mind that there are lots of other girls out there who are happy to entertain us short- or long-term.

 

I am mostly happy with my missus. But if she would behave for too long too different from what I expect then I would end the relationship. Legally I could lock the door for her and do whatever I want. I know that and she knows that and I am pretty sure that helps her to make the "correct" choices.

[1FinickyOne]

8 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I never had cultural issues. I had a bad family issue.

no cultural issues that you noticed - - you thought it was a terrific idea and opportunity that your wife become a migrant fruit picker.... she aspired to more than that... I think every thai lady who marries a farang would...

 

Is her family considered bad in the village - have they been arrested and had trouble w/the law - - or just you? They were bad to you... because?  

 

Not superiority issues though your constant whining about how horrible Thai ladies and families are has had personal consequences,.. maybe I will explain some time why your whimpering and whining annoys me.. .

[OneMoreFarang]

5 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I had no problem with village life, or the villagers. Just her family. We left the village to get away from them, but they followed us to Lamphun. Had we gone back to Pattaya I doubt they would have moved near us.

 

I really believe that had I not moved to the village we might have had a chance for a good life together.

Good point.

 

And I think the problem with the village and the family is that lots of families put a lot of pressure on the wife of the farang. If she is on our side and denies them what they want then that is a huge pressure on her. It must be difficult to be the "little girl" between the demanding family and the farang who is not willing to say yes to everything. 

[thaibeachlovers]

18 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Took mine on holiday once ........ she went mad (with greed/avarice) so I never took her again.

Better off left surrounded by those who have less than her IMHO.

Hard to 'monkey branch' when there are no other branches in sight.

I once considered taking mine back to home country, and then I wised up. End of that idea.

[petermik]

8 hours ago, petermik said:

Never let a woman get the upper hand.

 

6 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

 

 

I am mostly happy with my missus. But if she would behave for too long too different from what I expect then I would end the relationship. Legally I could lock the door for her and do whatever I want. I know that and she knows that and I am pretty sure that helps her to make the "correct" choices.

I,m happy to consult with my GF on many issues but at the end of the day he who pays the piper decides the tune....plenty of other ladies only too happy to step into her shoes....and as above...she knows this...if not then it,s thanks for the memories and I wish you luck in the future and don’t slam the door on the way out.

[thaibeachlovers]

13 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Good point.

 

And I think the problem with the village and the family is that lots of families put a lot of pressure on the wife of the farang. If she is on our side and denies them what they want then that is a huge pressure on her. It must be difficult to be the "little girl" between the demanding family and the farang who is not willing to say yes to everything. 

I think my wife was in that position, and probably couldn't handle it, so became rather "unpleasant". That's with the benefit of hindsight. I had no idea at the time, and thought it was just her.