Wine Coolers and Free-Range Russians — Just Another Day at Jomtien Beach

[Lewie London]

So I’m down Jomtien today just before noon, sat on one of them dodgy plastic chairs with a bottle of Breezer in me hand. Yeah, yeah, wine cooler, I know, don’t judge. Sometimes a man just wants something cold and refreshing while he watches the waves roll in and the sun toasts his knees. Peaceful, calm, casual, just me, the sea, and a breeze off the Gulf that didn’t smell like grilled squid or a leaky bog pipe for once.

 

Then, just as I’m thinkin’ life’s alright, this bird comes wanderin’ out the sea, yeah. And I mean wanderin’ like it’s the end of a shampoo commercial. Water glistenin’ down her abdomen, hair plastered across her shoulders, and nothin’ on up top. I’m talkin’ full-blown topless, lads. Knockers pointin' east and west. Bare as a newborn, just her bikini bottoms hangin’ on for dear life and not a care in the world.

 

Now at first I think, maybe she’s one of them free spirit types, the kind that thinks sunburnt nipps are a fashion statement. But then I clock her face, totally casual, like she ain’t noticed. So I reckon her top must’ve been nicked by a wave or caught by a buoy line or summat. Either way, she’s about ten steps from givin’ the whole beach a show and I’m sat there like, do I say somethin’ or just pretend I’m blind, yeah mates?

 

Ended up joggin’ over with me T-shirt in hand like some cheeky Baywatch knockoff. I handed it to her without sayin’ too much, just gave her the polite nod and a “Maybe you lost somethin’ out there, love.”
 

She looks down, clocks the situation, gasps a bit, then laughs it off like a champ. Turns out she’s Russian, early thirties, in town for a short trip with another gal, and apparently her bikini top had done a runner halfway through her swim. Thanked me about ten times, threw on me T-shirt, which on her looked like a dress, and then offered to take me for dinner.

 

I told her no need, wouldn’t feel right. I’d have done the same for anyone. Didn’t want to turn somethin’ decent into a scorecard. She seemed to get it, smiled proper warm, and asked for me WhatsApp instead. Thought why not. Couple of hours later, she sends me a couple hug emojis and a selfie wearin’ me shirt like it’s Chanel.

 

Now I’m sat here in me gaff wonderin’ if I should meet her again or just leave it as one of them weird little moments Pattaya throws at you when you’re just tryna enjoy a quiet moment.

 

A beach, a Breezer, and a bare-breasted Russian. This town never fails to mix the wholesome with the completely mental.

 

Might give it a go. Still givin' it a head scratch.

[richard_smith237]

Aww come on Lewie...   the least you could have done was hand her a Pyjama top and send her to 7-11....  

[DezLez]

Why do you post this daily crap?

[proton]

5 minutes ago, DezLez said:

Why do you post this daily crap?

 

Either paid, bored or one of the controllers fishing for traffic 

[Keeps]

34 minutes ago, proton said:

 

Either paid, bored or one of the controllers fishing for traffic 

You are one of the first to post every time though showing your disapproval. You following his profile or just a stalker?

 

If you don't like his/it's harmless fun, jog on. Have a moan elsewhere.

[Stocky]

Strewth at least it's amusing, makes a change from people moaning about Thailand or arguing about the orange guy

[newbee2022]

A nice story again. I Just have a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and read your adventure.

I'd say no harm to see her again. Leave her the shirt. She will always remember you.

And according to your description it's a vice versa thing. Thank you❤️

[Keeps]

55 minutes ago, Lewie London said:

 

 

Then, just as I’m thinkin’ life’s alright, this bird comes wanderin’ out the sea, yeah. And I mean wanderin’ like it’s the end of a shampoo commercial. Water glistenin’ down her abdomen, hair plastered across her shoulders, and nothin’ on up top. I’m talkin’ full-blown topless, lads. Knockers pointin' east and west. Bare as a newborn, just her bikini bottoms hangin’ on for dear life and not a care in the world.

I'm pretty sure that if I had come wobbling out of the sea, like Ursula Andress's fat, retarded uncle, one man boob smacking me in the mush, the other hitting me middle of the back as I jog up the beach, you wouldn't have come rushing up with a T-shirt to protect my modesty. 

[BLMFem]

1 hour ago, proton said:

 

Either paid, bored or one of the controllers fishing for traffic 

And here you are again!😂

[richard_smith237]

19 minutes ago, Keeps said:

I'm pretty sure that if I had come wobbling out of the sea, like Ursula Andress's fat, retarded uncle, one man boob smacking me in the mush, the other hitting me middle of the back as I jog up the beach, you wouldn't have come rushing up with a T-shirt to protect my modesty. 

 

A fairytale as tall as Lewie's...   in such a physical condition you'd never be 'jogging anywhere' !!!! 

[BLMFem]

20 minutes ago, Keeps said:

I'm pretty sure that if I had come wobbling out of the sea, like Ursula Andress's fat, retarded uncle, one man boob smacking me in the mush, the other hitting me middle of the back as I jog up the beach, you wouldn't have come rushing up with a T-shirt to protect my modesty. 

Now that was funny.

[BarraMarra]

Wasn't it last week you posted exactly the same thread header but changed it to Indians pestering a thai girl who sat next to you on Jomtien Beach ?

[save the frogs]

14 hours ago, Lewie London said:

Yeah, yeah, wine cooler, I know, don’t judge.

 

it does not mean you're gay !!

 

[grumpyoldman]

I found it entertaining, carry on lad !

[still kicking]

4 hours ago, proton said:

 

Either paid, bored or one of the controllers fishing for traffic 

I wonder how many usernames one can make up?

[thesetat]

10 hours ago, richard_smith237 said:

 

A fairytale as tall as Lewie's...   in such a physical condition you'd never be 'jogging anywhere' !!!! 

Perhaps it is really a dream or his fantasy and he feels the need to post it so he can remember it later.

[grumpyoldman]

7 hours ago, still kicking said:

I wonder how many usernames one can make up?

Check with Bob.

[FolkGuitar]

Sorry, Lewie. I missed this one when you posted it.

Another pleasant read over my morning tea; today, a nice cup of PG Tips.

To those who continue to accuse Lewie of 'lying,' I'm impressed.

Not many would choose to willfully ignore the obvious just for the chance to complain.

[Quentin Zen]

14 hours ago, Lewie London said:

So I’m down Jomtien today

Tell me you made 1001 terrible life choices without telling me you made 1001 terrible life choices.

[giddyup]

16 hours ago, DezLez said:

Why do you post this daily crap?

Lighten up.

[richard_smith237]

4 hours ago, FolkGuitar said:

Sorry, Lewie. I missed this one when you posted it.

Another pleasant read over my morning tea; today, a nice cup of PG Tips.

To those who continue to accuse Lewie of 'lying,' I'm impressed.

Not many would choose to willfully ignore the obvious just for the chance to complain.

 

Indeed... in the pub section, it makes for an entertaining read and far better than the provocation and trolling of some of the more insipid cretins whose sole purpose it is to trigger and wind-up as many people up as possible... 

 

"an amusing morning read over a cup of coffee / Tea" is a perfect way to describe these threads....