Boy, is it dead in here! Maybe these will liven things up a bit.

A guy goes to prison. His cell mate is a very big man named Bubba. Bubba says,

"Let's play house. Do you wanna be the momma or the daddy?

The guy says, "I wanna be the daddy."

Bubba says, "Ok, daddy, come on over and suck momma's d##k!"

A mother and daughter are having a little chat about the birds and the bees.

Daughter says: "Mom, my boyfriend says I'm too loose. How do I make my pusy

tighter?"

Mother says: "Honey, go find yourself a boyfriend with a bigger d##k."

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.

Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?

She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!

Why? asked Farmer Brown.

Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.

Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms

Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms

Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms

Sex with an accountant = Boregasms

Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms

Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms

Sex while broke = Poorgasms

Sex with a lion = Roargasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms

Sex on a golf course = Foregasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms

Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms

Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms

Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms

Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms

Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms

Sex on the beach = Shoregasms

Sex when you get an award = Honogasms

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms

Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms

Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms

Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms

Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms

Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms

Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms

Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms

Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms

Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms

Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms

Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms

Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms

Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms

Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms

Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms

Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms

Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms

Sex while flying = Soargasms

Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms

Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms

Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms

Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms

Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms

Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms

Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms

Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms

Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms

Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms

Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms

Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms

Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms

Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms

Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms

Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms

Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms

Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms

Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms

Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms

Sex without a climax = Nogasms

George spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts

smalltalk.

Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name.

"Carmen," she replies.

"That's a nice name," he says warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answers.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly

into his eyes.

"What's your name?" she asks

"Beercunt," he replies.

Got a joke here, but it's a bit of a visual. Try to imagine it then tell yr mates (if you have any)...

Guy and a girl sitting in the waiting room of a clinic. Guy says to the girl "What are you in here for?"

Girl says "I'm here to give blood. I get 500 baht for it. What about you?"

Guy says "I'm here to give sperm. I get 2,000 baht for it."

Girl says "Oh, really?"

Next week, same girl and guy sitting in the waiting room of the clinic. Guy says to the girl "Here to give blood again?"

Girl turns to the guy, cheeks swolen, lips sealed, shakes her head and says "mmmmm!!"

Got a joke here, but it's a bit of a visual. Try to imagine it then tell yr mates (if you have any)...

Guy and a girl sitting in the waiting room of a clinic. Guy says to the girl "What are you in here for?"

Girl says "I'm here to give blood. I get 500 baht for it. What about you?"

Guy says "I'm here to give sperm. I get 2,000 baht for it."

Girl says "Oh, really?"

Next week, same girl and guy sitting in the waiting room of the clinic. Guy says to the girl "Here to give blood again?"

Girl turns to the guy, cheeks swolen, lips sealed, shakes her head and says "mmmmm!!"

My kind of woman

What the difference between a new whore and an old whore?

New whore will use vaseline,

Old whore will use polygrip.

George spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts

smalltalk.

Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name.

"Carmen," she replies.

"That's a nice name," he says warming up the conversation,

"Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself," she answers.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly

into his eyes.

"What's your name?" she asks

"Beercunt," he replies.

Any relation to our George in TV??

Hillary Clinton sees Arnold Schwarzenagger at a cocktail party.

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your drink!"

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the ###### do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?

A. Come in eight flavors.

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?

A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the new gay website address?

A. c : enter ### (see colon enter pound pound pound).

Q. What is the new O.J. website address?

A. slash slash backslash escape.

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?

A. A Rottweiler.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?

A. When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

A. Very satisfying.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have

left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you

lose your house.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?

A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

A: About three inches.

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?

A: Her feet!

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.

A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

A: An itchy, twitchy <deleted>.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say <deleted>?

A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A: A bingo machine.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like a choir boy and bend her over.

Ok, here goes guys. This one is in very bad taste; one of the worst I've heard. I hope it doesn't get me kicked out. Like you all said: "The rules are, there

are no rules."

How do you get a gay man to fukc a woman?

Pack her puessy with sh!t.

Woman goes in to see a vet with an exceedingly large Rottweiller on a leash.

"Doc", she say, "My husband found this stray dog wondering along last week..."

"I see", say the Doc.

"No one claimed him, and he seemed such a nice dog we decided to keep him."

"...OK, and the problem", say the Doc

"Well, it really is a great dog. He sits, stands, rolls over at command. He comes when we call. He calmly walks off the lead etc", she says.

"Yes, go on", say the Doc

"Well all was fine until I took him to the park", the lady's face reddens, "he sees another dog from behind and whoomp is gone - humping the backend of the dog...then he sees another dog an whooomp he does it again...a cat, no matter, whoomp - I never heard such screams ...a duck on the pond, whoomp..."

"Ah, I see", says the vet, a knowing smile

"That's not it yet", she says now a puse colour, "yesterday, I was cleaning the floor. I wwwas on all fours. I never saw him coming...whooomp!"

"Ah", say the Doc visibly shocked, "so you want me to have him castrated then I expect?"

"Heck no", she says shyly,"I want his nails clipped!"

Guys goes into a chemist.

"100 condoms please", he says to the girl.

"Well, ###### me", she says.

"OK, make it 101!"

Guy goes into a chemist.

"I want some comdoms", he say.

"What size", say the girl. He looked blank.

"Small, normal or big?"

"Oh, normal", he guesses.

"What type?", she says.

"Uh?"

She rolls her eyes, "spermicidal, non-spermicidal, ribbed, flavoured, coloured or ultra-thin?", she says.

"Er, coloured", he guesses again.

"Which colour?", she asks, and not waiting for the 'Uh?' goes on "Red, blue, yellow, green or pink?".

Now dying to get out of the shop, the guy says "er, 5 of each".

....

6 months later the guy comes back into the chemist.

"I need a maternity dress for a pregnant woman please", he states.

"What bust?", she asks.

"The Green one!", he answers!

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your whole week.

A study was done as to why a penis has a knob on the end of it. Three countries, the USA, Russia and Poland each spent $50,000 respectively on their individual studies.

The USA scientists' conclusion was that it is for the pleasure of the woman.

The Russian scientists concluded that it is for the pleasure of the man.

The Polish scientists concluded that it keeps your hand from flying off the end and hitting you in the face.

A man and his Thai girlfriend are lying in bed after just having great sex, the Thai girlfriend lies stroking his penis. He asks 'Do you want more sex?'

'No' she replies.

'I'm just admiring your cock... I really miss mine!'

Someone's been wading through old threads...

Someone's been wading through old threads...

Yip ....... I was curious as to what was the first ever post in Bedlam and I came across this thread, thought I'd add to it

Best if told with a thick Scottish accent...

On day, at a local pub in Edinburgh, Seamus was having a few drinks, and he was complaining to the bartender...

Seamus: "Do you know that park bench right outside? I built it with my own two hands, but do the call me 'Seamus the Bench Builder?' No!!"

He proceeded to have a few more pints, and was getting pretty drunk

Seamus: "Bartender! Do you know that pier down by the river? I build it with my own two hands! But do they call me "Seamus the Pier Builder?' NO!"

It was almost closing time, and Seamus was really on a roll...

Seamus: "Bartender! Do you see this bar, right here!!!! I built it with my own two hands! But do they call me Seamus the bar builder??!??! NOOOO!...........................................but you <deleted> one goat...."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from

Ok, here goes guys. This one is in very bad taste; one of the worst I've heard. I hope it doesn't get me kicked out. Like you all said: "The rules are, there

are no rules."

How do you get a gay man to fukc a woman?

Pack her puessy with sh!t.

oh my god, never heard that one before.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?

You can't get your meat brown in a microwave.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving