Complaint Letter Of The Year

[fatter than harry]

I received this in my inbox today, made me laugh, be glad that I'm not in the UK and gave me an idea for approaching UBC the next time...

Complaint Letter of the Year

A customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for

your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of

service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as

ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to

provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your

professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or

more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading

material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking

vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my

spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your

technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57

minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more

annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful

website.... HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few

minutes

- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly

adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,

although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -

such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem

had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem

arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for

it.

I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours

between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on

my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a

variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bo**ock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows

whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);

that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an

answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will

be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating

Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least

a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another

one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice

my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold

music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were (****), that they had attained the holy (****)-pot of

god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be

more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering

service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,

there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when

I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment

what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled

pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wa**ers though they are - shine like brilliant

beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly

limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my

futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I

suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment

from me for the services which you have so pointedly and

catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted

initially with hilarity and

disbelief -quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused

rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats

litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for

both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have

not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at

the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if

you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's

worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you

irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of <deleted>.

[Totster]

A handy template I think FTH.....

totster