Essex Disaster Appeal

A major hurricane (Shazza) measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale struck in

the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen

wandering aimlessly, muttering "faaackin' ell".

The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of

damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and

Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic

burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their

giro arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were

confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact

that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5, said: "It

was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my

bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Millie-Storm, slept

through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next

morning."

Apparently however, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as

normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of

Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found

large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books,

jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those

unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most

sought-after ^ items most needed include:

-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps

-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

-- Shell suits (female)

-- White sport socks

-- Rockport boots

-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

-- Microwave meals

-- Tins of baked beans

-- Ice cream

-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew

Cash donations would also be appreciated.

-- 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

-- £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9

-- £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of

those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl amidst the rubble smothered in blood. 'Where

are you bleeding from?' they asked.

"ROMFORD," said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

Funniest joke in weeks!

Good work!

Speaking as an essex man myself- Brilliant and totally correct.

fcukin pommy git's.

is a shaven head a fashion statement now? I reckon there are more shaven headed pommy epats here in sing than are left in england.

this is a sad town, ah well a few more weeks.the things I do for money.