Not Easy Living With My Wife's Family - Same For You?

[stephaniee]

whats going on. maigo sympathetic to the plight of the farang upcountry!

no offense but building a house upcountry is inviting the family to come live with you!

Edited September 15, 2008 by stephaniee

[Tod Daniels]

Quite an interesting change of heart from the foreign-bashing "Maigo6". Perusing his past posts; I have never before seen him the slightest bit sympathetic to a foreigner's plight here in the glorious "Land 'O Thais".

Will wonders never cease

To the O/P's conundrum, I say kick out the extended family, as I am sure they lived somewhere else before deciding your wife's house was a better gig for them. Sadly I find your statement; "our house" dubious. I believe in all likelihood, it is in fact, your wife's house with you being merely the financier of said house.

Edited September 15, 2008 by tod-daniels

[khunandy]

whats going on. maigo sympathetic to the plight of the farang upcountry!

no offense but building a house upcountry is inviting the family to come live with you!

I disagree, depends on the size of the house and the standards you apply. What makes you think they don't have their own houses?

When my mother-in-law looked after our place it was a mess when we returned, not purposely but just kept in "rustic standard".

I think she couldn't be bothered to stay when it was pointed out to her that keeping a farang house is hard work, she moved home ....50 metres away

Edited September 15, 2008 by khunandy

[egg6447]

OP: - You've got a Thai wife following a "lengthy relationship" with (at least) one other Thai woman and still don't speak enough Thai to get a gist of the conversation..? Well some people do have difficulty acquiring langagues, so if that's not an option for you and you are REALLY paranoid, tape the conversations and take them to an independant interpreter (far removed).

K.

now thats a good idea. but then again what could uneducated people say about you that has any consequence. i dont give a poo what educated people say. be strong in your mind. try not to be arrogant though. oh if you cant handle it tell them to speak english in your wifes house or throw them out.

[egg6447]

No,

I understand Thai and i wouldn't associate with people that were that rude.

Learn the language.

where did the op say they were rude. in essence he said he feels left out. this is normal for the given situation. i have a perfectly normal relationship with my wife, same as europe, no difference, shes great, but, but, when she gets with other thai i dont exist, does it annoy me yes, but i accept it as ist the same for everyone i know with a thai.. try to keep up old son.

[egg6447]

Also might invite your mates over and start speaking to one another - look over at the chatter thai(s) start laffing then start talking more. Repeat as necessary.

i think you have a death wish brit.lol

[egg6447]

I have a similar problem as my wife is "Suay" and the whole village speaks Kui....Most of the time they stay in Thai, and I can follow along, but seems like when they want to tune me out, they go to Kui...

There is a very sad person in our village called "the crazy woman". She returned home 15 years ago announcing a marriage to her farang boyfriend. everything was made ready for the wedding in the village, but when she went to the train station to meet him (along with 20 other relatives) nobody got off the train...He was never heard from again, and she still takes medication to make her sleep for weeks on end....

Well I found out she speaks English with a British accent. So I hired her to be my official translator at a party we were having. She sat next to me, and translated everything everybody said, and when I wanted to jump into a Kui conversation she did it for me.

worked great, except she wanted to try and convince me I should be her husband. (Her mother gave her some more medication) Really a nice person, and somebody should feel a bit bad for what they caused to happen too her.

agreed . there are some real shits around. for all the farangs moaning about the girls there are some bad things done to them as well. your right on this one maigo.lol.

[egg6447]

Seconded, tape them.

are we saying here that they arn,t allowed a negetive oppinion of you. like i said in a earlier post why would you care what a fool thinks.

[h90]

I have been living with my wife's family for months now in our house. I am able to tolerate the frustrating language problem for the most part, but I can't help but wonder what the heck they are saying amongst themselves. In a previous lengthly relationship with a Thai woman, I later found out she would openly be criticizing and bad-mouthing me, while I was sitting there politely smiling like a stupid fool. I have picked up some of the language but not much yet, so I don't have a clue about what's being said. Any similar experiences?

Operative words : "our house"

You are the King.

1. Take Thai lessons.

2. Take Dad out drinking on occasion, and whoring on his birthday.

3. Take Mom out - alone - and spend time (not much money). Take her to the fresh food market. They'll be impressed at her rich, dedicated, doting farang son-in-law. HELP shop for food. Have her teach you the right stuff to buy. And so on.

4. Take someone to the temple. The park. Go for a walk with Grandma. Have lunch with Junior.

Nothing has to be said - if you are sincere.

The key here is to ASSIMILATE and establish personal relationships with each family member. You wife will be shocked, your family members inpressed, and if even ONE takes a liking to you, the chatter will end.

It's not about money, it's about relationships. Don't buy motorcycles or fine things. Be frugal and give them TIME.

Do you really know who they are, their individual histories? Likes, dislikes?

No, you probably don't, yet you want then to know and respect yours? Hmmmm

You've invested in this marriage, you have to take the family, as well, to make it work. The hel_l with the wife, it's the Mother-in-law you must win over.

Most probably per law "her house"...and now every paid so not much use for this farang anymore.

[egg6447]

Buy a tape recorder and a HUGE intimidating microphone from the 70's. Place it on the table and explain to them your writing a book about a Farang living with his in laws and your publisher will have it translated . Promise them 50% of the profits once its a best seller. Problem solved

this i love. had to laugh. ive got a good imagination. i can just see there faces when they realise what your doing. the best advise yet. probably make them laugh too.

[Lopburi99]

The OP hasnt returned to this post.

Interesting.

Perhaps his wife has decided he can't use the internet anymore.

Seventy plus responses - excellent - this is obviously an issue of interest. Hopefully others can benefit from the discussion as well.

A quick reply to let you know I am back home now and online, and to answer the #1 question so far: Why do I accept them living with us? Answer: I agreed to try it "for a while."

I foresaw this problem coming. The biggest problem with them leaving now is because the son (26), his wife and new baby have nowhere else to live. He works full time (but doesn't make much), is finishing up college, and simply can't afford an apartment yet. Seems like a decent kid, but how would I know? I could put them up in a modest apartment somewhere if that turns out the be the best solution, but I am not Mr. Moneybags and would dip into funds I have planned for my wife and myself.

"Read the body language" - excellent. Then I can quiz my wife about it later to obtain an explanation to my satisfaction.

Let me send this post quickly, then I want to make more replies. Many very good ideas, insight and suggestions.

Back soon.....

Edited September 15, 2008 by Lopburi99

[Edonista]

Why any Westerner would give up their privacy to share a dwelling with people they have absolutely nothing in common with, is beyond comprehension.

Because Western men are feminazi brainwashed and do everything their wives order them to do. Probably the house is in his wife name so he can just run away.

[egg6447]

I wouldn't worry too much about it, it is an easy thing to get paranoid about.

From my experiences Thais will turn a 2 minute conversation into a 20 minute talk-a-thon to fill up a period of time, they love a good yarn and spicing a story up for entertainment value.

Slanderous conversations are kept in low conspiratorial tones with much "lip pointing" and "eye brow raising". It isn't hard to pick up that vibe when it is there. Most of the time when I ask my wife for translation of the local dialect the topic has hardly been riveting.

Look for the body language.

good man. your a man that understands human nature. take my hat off to you.

[egg6447]

whats going on. maigo sympathetic to the plight of the farang upcountry!

no offense but building a house upcountry is inviting the family to come live with you!

not my wifes house it aint. lol.

[Lopburi99]

...Maybe you are just sensitive because of your past experience... No point in stressing over something you are not 100% sure about.

I am definitely sensitive about my previous experience, for good reason. My ex was the "Thai wife from H_ell" in every way, just about destroyed me. I have been very cautious this time, and I am sure I found a good one - a wonderful, mature, selfless Thai woman. I don't want to mess up a good thing by being overly negative, suspicious or paranoic, but I still need to keep my guard up. My wife is aware of my ex, and she knows if I ever suspect a replay, I'm on the next bus out of Lopburi .

[Gary A]

It IS my wife's house. She had it before we were married and I DIDN'T pay for it. Before we moved into her house upcountry, we lived in my Jomtien condo. After many visits to Loei, I decided I liked the area and agreed to try it. The one major rule was that it would be her and I in the house. No family. I told my wife that it is her house and if she wants some of her family to share it, that's up to her, BUT, if someone does move in, I would be headed back to Jomtien with or without her. Sometimes the king must listen to the queen but some things are NOT negotiable. Her family lives in the next village and she is free to visit them any time. They have accepted the fact that I value my privacy and seldom come over here.

[Lopburi99]

Your in an awkward situation there, just like the deaf old granny that everybody talks about while she sits there doing her knitting.

Learning the language to the level you need to understand whats being said is going to take time, a long time, what your looking for is a quick answer and I don't think there is one ? I would try to get out the house more and do your own thing.

But really you only have yourself to blame, as was said before, get them out, if your partner won't agree to that then your going to have to make a decision...

Remember... He who has the paso has the sayso

Several good points. Yes, I feel exactly like the old deaf granny that everybody talks about while she sits there doing her knitting.

"Doing my own thing" is something I plan to do soon, just after my new car gets here in about 3 weeks. I've already told my wife we'll be doing a lot of driving around touring Thailand, something I have been wanting to do for a long time. We'll go for a week or two at a time, every month or so until that becomes old.

"Get them out." If necessary I will, but in a manner I will not regret later and retains as much cohesiveness to the family as possible.

"He who has the paso has the sayso." I am well aware I hold all the cards (so to speak), and I can press the nuclear war button at any time. But if I thought I had to resort to that, I'd hop on the bus instead because little would remain. However, your point is well taken. I don't need to push very hard to make something happen. Stay cool.

Edited September 15, 2008 by Lopburi99

[Boater]

2. Take Dad out drinking on occasion, and whoring on his birthday.

:cheesy:

and the trouble is it is so true

[petitechevre]

tom, how does a good ole country thai boy steal 30,000$ from a smart guy like you?

did u keep it under the mattress?

i still cant see y middle class europe guys want to get involved with thailand's less advantaged folk.

cause they can't get any..

Those that can get some in their own country and come here usualy end up having no worries whatsoever..

[mrt273nva]

tom, how does a good ole country thai boy steal

i still cant see y middle class europe guys want to get involved with thailand's less advantaged folk.

cause they can't get any..

Those that can get some in their own country and come here usualy end up having no worries whatsoever..

can get it at home, but the quality is much better here. but that's not to say that women aren't crazy the world over. i've spent a lot of time wondering if my wife is nuts because she is thai or because she is female. i'm pretty sure it's the latter.

[Lopburi99]

.....The trick I have found is never let know how much Thai you actually know, that keeps them on their toes...by most standards my Thai is very poor, but on one occasion managed to pick up on a conversation (nothing bad) between my wife and her sister who was visiting, I answered in English, and told them they would be better doing something another way, to this day my wife is very careful what she is talking about in Thai around me...as she is never quite sure how much I understand in the conversation...

I know enough Thai to do this. Makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks.

[jts-khorat]

1) spend some time with different family members, trying to get to know them on a one-to-one basis, and;

My take on this would have been, that you should have done that well before marrying your wife. This is called 'due diligence'.

As her family will become a big part of her responsibility when they get old(er) -- a point I have by now accepted as being part of local life -- a good understanding between the family and you should have been achieved well in advance. This is not only true with regard to financial expectations (eg are they really in need or just taking the piss), but also if you can accept their personalities and ethics (eg hard-working friendly people versus useless drunkards).

This is only possible if you have known your girlfriend a good long time before marrying her. A word of warning: if your wife comes out of a totally messed up family seeing you as their financial salvation, chances are that she herself is missing a lot of personal traits to make a relationship work.

Putting your wife between your expectations and those of her parents 'after the fact' is at best unfair, the outcome most often not the one you would wish for.

[Lopburi99]

...i have a perfectly normal relationship with my wife, same as europe, no difference, shes great, but, but, when she gets with other thai i dont exist, does it annoy me yes, but i accept it as ist the same for everyone i know with a thai.. try to keep up old son.

"but, when she gets with other thai i dont exist....." HAHA! Like with her girlfriends - ISN'T this the truth? -- (That part doesn't bother me either, yes annoys me too but that's OK)

Edited September 15, 2008 by Lopburi99

[billd766]

1) spend some time with different family members, trying to get to know them on a one-to-one basis, and;

My take on this would have been, that you should have done that well before marrying your wife. This is called 'due diligence'.

As her family will become a big part of her responsibility when they get old(er) -- a point I have by now accepted as being part of local life -- a good understanding between the family and you should have been achieved well in advance. This is not only true with regard to financial expectations (eg are they really in need or just taking the piss), but also if you can accept their personalities and ethics (eg hard-working friendly people versus useless drunkards).

This is only possible if you have known your girlfriend a good long time before marrying her. A word of warning: if your wife comes out of a totally messed up family seeing you as their financial salvation, chances are that she herself is missing a lot of personal traits to make a relationship work.

Putting your wife between your expectations and those of her parents 'after the fact' is at best unfair, the outcome most often not the one you would wish for.

That worked for me as I knew my Thai girlfriend for 5 years before I divorced my UK wife and we married 2 years later. Now 7 years later we are still married have a 4 year old son.

We built a small house for my wife to live in while we built the big house and now her mother lives in it and when her dad gets fed up in Bangkok he is welcome as well. I have supported them for years with a small amount monthly and helped them when I could and they have helped us as well.

Perhaps I am among the lucky ones.

[Burr]

I'm in the Philippines,

We live in my wifes house but when I was ready to go back to USA she asked the family to stay out. We all live with in 50 yards but life's good.

I have to watch my mouth at times.

[khunandy]

"Doing my own thing" is something I plan to do soon, just after my new car gets here in about 3 weeks. I've already told my wife we'll be doing a lot of driving around touring Thailand, something I have been wanting to do for a long time. We'll go for a week or two at a time, every month or so until that becomes old.

That reminds me, when I bought a car and put a GPS in that gave me the confidence to get off my ar#e and get out and about without dragging my wife with me...boy, it made a lot of difference just not feeling sort of trapped into whatever my wife was doing, the family thought it was a bit weird but liked that I was wanting to explore.

Just being able to press "home" on the GPS wherever I ended up was a huge confidence builder, I have found really nice places the family didnt know about.

[phaethon]

I can't beleive the mods haven't merged this thread with THIS ONE.

C'mon folks, think outside the box (liiter tray) - the solutions are practically identical!

[Burr]

[quote name='khunandy' d

Just being able to press "home" on the GPS wherever I ended up was a huge confidence builder, I have found really nice places the family didnt know about.

I've been driving by myself for four years.

Every one ask, "who is taking care of you" "where is your wife?"

I'm thinking about putting a GPS on my Bicycle, just for the hel_l of it!

[phaethon]

Sorry, forgot to link...

THIS THREAD

[AmeriThai]

...to answer the #1 question so far: Why do I accept them living with us? Answer: I agreed to try it "for a while."

I foresaw this problem coming. The biggest problem with them leaving now is because the son (26), his wife and new baby have nowhere else to live. He works full time (but doesn't make much), is finishing up college, and simply can't afford an apartment yet. Seems like a decent kid, but how would I know? I could put them up in a modest apartment somewhere if that turns out the be the best solution, but I am not Mr. Moneybags and would dip into funds I have planned for my wife and myself.

Trying it "for a while" can quickly turn into trying into forever.

Regarding the 26-year-old son, where would they live if you were NOT in the picture? I don't mean to sound like a hardnose, but I suspect they'd manage to get by, especially since he also works full time. Does he provide money to help with household expenses? He's an adult, not a child. What does he study in college that assures he'll be moving into his own apartment or house shortly after he graduates?

The problem is that it's too easy to get used to (and harder to give up) having someone else as a financial cushion. That goes for other family members as well. I'm not saying their life would be easy, but they'd all still find a way to manage to get by. Once started, there can become less and less incentive for them to want to move out. Sometimes such family members can give an endless set of reasons and excuses to avoid moving out on their own right now and that it's just for a little while longer until they can "get on their feet" which never seems to happen. Sooner or later it could well end up dipping into those funds, little by little, that you have set aside.

You'll need to be able to give them some clear, but non-offensive reasons why they need to move out, in a way that explains their own advantages to do so and doesn't cause any hard feelings. The longer the delay, the more difficult it becomes.

The exception to all this though, is if family members are actualkly pitching in to pool resources and help pay living expenses, and help with ordinary household chores.