Since I managed to make him smile the other day, and I don't want to muddle up the other thread, I'm starting a new one. I don't have a problem with anyone reading it.

I sent my brother a huge email the other day describing recent events, so I will just copy and paste from that. It's going to be in four parts, and I think the last part is a cracker.

Part I

I've been living on my own in this rented house for around 8 months now, and I was driving the locals crazy, I do my own cooking, cleaning, laundry etc and I have never been seen with a woman. They couldn't work me out, a farang living alone with no significant other to take care of him is a concept that they couldn't grasp.

I have not been 'going without' but it's been done a hel_l of a long way from here for a very simple reason, even though I haven't got the faintest idea where my wife is or what she is doing, you can be dam_n sure that she knows exactly what I am up to, this is a very close knit community, you fart at one side of town and the news will reach the other side before the smell gets there. And I just basically didn't want wifey to cause problems.

<snip> (cut the bits about meeting the vampire, three weeks of bonking like bunnies, the biting incident and her method of apology)

We are still making the beast with two backs but not with the same frequency, just having a bit of fun until she decides what she wants to do with her life. I'm not joking Bro' when she is sober she is one of the sweetest girls I have ever met, and the sex is great and hard to resist (it's the maintaining eye contact thing and non-starfish attitude that does it) but if I go to the bar and there is even a hint that she has had a couple of drinks, we share a beer, tell her I love her and I'll see her later ...... and then go to a different bar.... so far we haven't had a repeat of two weeks ago.

But now the word is out that I am not gay.

I now haven't seen her for about a week, I've answered the mobile every time she has called, it's very foolish to ignore a psycho, trying to get her to lose interest, or getting her to think that I have lost interest is much less painful. Every time she had called (at least once a day) I just used the not tonight baby, too tired/drunk lines.

The last time we spoke was two days ago and I'm sure she had got the message, the last thing she said was "you not forget me darling" I looked at my wrist and told her that I would never forget her.

Yesterday ..... no calls.

Part II follows soon.

Yay! Thaddy's got 'is own thread!

I feel less vulnerable now.

Ahh... TV.com... One makes the beshtesht friends here!

Oh heck Taddy, hope things work out ok.

Oh heck Taddy, hope things work out ok.

Don't worry hon .... I'm sure they will ..... if there is one thing I know about my life it's this, bad things have happened to me, but nothing that bad.

You want Part II?

Granted.

Part II

The local ex-pat bar were I eat almost every night is owned by a German chap (Wolfgang) and his Thai wife (Yoon) their relationship is very strained as he is diabetic and an alcoholic and he is slowly killing himself with beer. Yoon has been flirting with me for weeks and I thought that was all it was, just flirting. Around the time of the biting incident she grabbed me while I was on my way to the toilet and dragged me into the kitchen..... wait for it...... snogged me, told me she loved me and wanted to sleep with me, no sex as she thinks she is too old for me, I can still go screwing young girls to keep the lower half of my body happy, she just wants me to hug her and sleep with her .... plus, when Wolfgang dies, half the bar is mine !!!!

Can I beat that?

lol, who knew eastenders had relocated to Thailand

If you ever need the biter scared away proper like, you know a 6ft amazon who will do the job

lol, who knew eastenders had relocated to Thailand

If you ever need the biter scared away proper like, you know a 6ft amazon who will do the job

Thanks sweetheart, but that may not be a good idea ...... I spoke to her about an hour ago (she called me, always answer calls from a psycho) and she asked me if I had heard what had gone on last night (bear in mind that I didn't talk to her yesterday, and I'm using subjective timing here as it is 1.30 am) .... I told her that I had heard about it.

She attacked a german chap (quite a fit and healthy one) with a machete.... her days around here are well and truly numbered.

I'll do part III now as it's very short and probably the dullest bit.

Part III

Next I find out that the old lady I rent the house from has a daughter who is paying for private English tuition out of her own pocket just so that she can talk to me.

Part IV

I have to post this tonight, as the situation could change quite quickly..... and this is the one that I don't need any help or advice over, I just need to type it out, think about it, then think about it some more.

I decided to stay away from the other bar for a while after the biting incident. Luckily a new place had just opened up just around the corner from where I live (and no, it isn't that sort of bar) so myself and a few others started to have some late beers there, they have a live band too, which I have joined in with, unfortunately the only farang song they know is Hotel California. For the last week or so one of the waitresses has been giving me the really big smiles, keeps looking at me when she thinks I am not looking and she keeps rushing over to top up my beer when I have only taken the top inch off it..... so, two nights ago, one of the other guys decided to get the ball rolling for me, as I still am quite shy, and he asked her if I could take her out for food some time, the answer came back as yes but I would have to wait three months, when I asked why she told me that she was only 18 and didn't want to lose her virginity while she was still in school.

I can wait.

She disappeared three days ago and when I asked the bar owners where she was, they told me that she had to go back to school for 'stuff' and she would be back in a few days.

She came back tonight, and I'm taking her out for lunch tomorrow.

My problem is, can I, can I really do it (the act that is, however long it takes to happen) small head doesn't have a problem, but the big one seriously does.

Wow! Suddenly my life is looking very boring. Keep it up Thad - I need something to keep me occupied while my wife is watching Neighbours and Home & Away

This is a real Bedlam thread, well done Taddy...

Yes, you're up there with 'The Housemate Dilemma' thread for the Bedlam 'Days of Our Lives' award...

Just remember you have to live with these people Thad, you can get yourself in a considerable amount of trouble in smaller Thai communities by playing fast and loose with the ladies. Regardless of whether the ladies themselves actively encourage fastness and looseness.

It seems to be an Isaan thing, this "my life will never be complete without a Farang husband" philosophy, I saw the same in the Philippines when I was there, the women see it as a way to escape from poverty and help their families.

The North is a lot more laid back about it, some of the younger, sillier village girls have given me the glad eye but I keep in mind the old adage about nests and body waste.

My wife has three single nieces about the age of thirty who have educated themselves out of the local marriage market (I had a thread about it a while back), but they don't seem compelled to chase foreigners.

And don't forget that that cherry-girl (a common Philippine expression for the undeflowered) AND her family, will expect matrimony, and will almost certainly be disappointed if it's not forth coming.

You're getting a lot of ribald encouragement here, but ask yourself how many of these people actually live amongst rural Thais full time.

Werry vise advise there sceadugenga, to those with no connections in the community it seems a blokes wildest dreams come true but if you are living in amongst it all it's like walking on eggs wearing hobnail boots.

Keep it coming Thaddy, it certainly beats the best I can come up with from Seoul "the 'R'Soul of Asia".

PS never write off the psychos, they always come crashing back in the last scene.

PS never write off the psychos, they always come crashing back in the last scene.

The only reason I ended up with the psycho bitch from hel_l in the first place was because of another ex-pat I know, but not from around here. He is a member of this board (but not bedlam) and two other boards that I visit infrequently, so I am not going to name him. We had met up in Pattaya for New Year and one afternoon he was working on something on his laptop and having problems, I asked him to show me, I approached what he was trying to do from a completely different direction and in 90 minutes had reproduced what he had been working on for two months, but without the errors.

He came here to see me here to discuss the chances of us working together on a little project he is starting. Since it was a 400km drive for him, I had booked him a room in one of the local resorts. We had something to eat and then I took him to a place of entertainment that didn't involve karaoke or young Thai blokes pissed up on Lao Khao, but it just has a nice quiet atmosphere, a large screen TV and a pool table. I didn't know what I was letting myself in for when the very attractive psycho with huge jubblies started chatting me up.

I doubt she will make another appearance as I think the police are currently telling her to get the hel_l out of Dodge.

Werry vise advise there sceadugenga

It is indeed, and I'll respond to Sceas post a little later ...... got stuff to do now.

Part II

The local ex-pat bar were I eat almost every night is owned by a German chap (Wolfgang) and his Thai wife (Yoon) their relationship is very strained as he is diabetic and an alcoholic and he is slowly killing himself with beer. Yoon has been flirting with me for weeks and I thought that was all it was, just flirting. Around the time of the biting incident she grabbed me while I was on my way to the toilet and dragged me into the kitchen..... wait for it...... snogged me, told me she loved me and wanted to sleep with me, no sex as she thinks she is too old for me, I can still go screwing young girls to keep the lower half of my body happy, she just wants me to hug her and sleep with her .... plus, when Wolfgang dies, half the bar is mine !!!!

Can I beat that?

Er, .... Yes

The woman's obviously planning for the future. How much do you want to lose in the process... ?

Part IV

I have to post this tonight, as the situation could change quite quickly..... and this is the one that I don't need any help or advice over, I just need to type it out, think about it, then think about it some more.

I decided to stay away from the other bar for a while after the biting incident. Luckily a new place had just opened up just around the corner from where I live (and no, it isn't that sort of bar) so myself and a few others started to have some late beers there, they have a live band too, which I have joined in with, unfortunately the only farang song they know is Hotel California. For the last week or so one of the waitresses has been giving me the really big smiles, keeps looking at me when she thinks I am not looking and she keeps rushing over to top up my beer when I have only taken the top inch off it..... so, two nights ago, one of the other guys decided to get the ball rolling for me, as I still am quite shy, and he asked her if I could take her out for food some time, the answer came back as yes but I would have to wait three months, when I asked why she told me that she was only 18 and didn't want to lose her virginity while she was still in school.

I can wait.

She disappeared three days ago and when I asked the bar owners where she was, they told me that she had to go back to school for 'stuff' and she would be back in a few days.

She came back tonight, and I'm taking her out for lunch tomorrow.

My problem is, can I, can I really do it (the act that is, however long it takes to happen) small head doesn't have a problem, but the big one seriously does.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad Idea. Unless you're leaving for good and eevr tomorrow morning.

As tempting as it may be, and as willing as SHE may be, what do you know - i mean REALLY know about her situation (connections/family, etc... )???? ie: Would there be somebody (you may not know about) who would be out to get you if you screwed her?

From what I recall you leave in a pretty small fairly trad community....

ooooh! Wait, Scea said it best with 'is post:

Just remember you have to live with these people Thad, you can get yourself in a considerable amount of trouble in smaller Thai communities by playing fast and loose with the ladies. Regardless of whether the ladies themselves actively encourage fastness and looseness.

It seems to be an Isaan thing, this "my life will never be complete without a Farang husband" philosophy, I saw the same in the Philippines when I was there, the women see it as a way to escape from poverty and help their families.

The North is a lot more laid back about it, some of the younger, sillier village girls have given me the glad eye but I keep in mind the old adage about nests and body waste.

My wife has three single nieces about the age of thirty who have educated themselves out of the local marriage market (I had a thread about it a while back), but they don't seem compelled to chase foreigners.

And don't forget that that cherry-girl (a common Philippine expression for the undeflowered) AND her family, will expect matrimony, and will almost certainly be disappointed if it's not forth coming.

You're getting a lot of ribald encouragement here, but ask yourself how many of these people actually live amongst rural Thais full time.

:D

ooooh! Wait, Scea said it best with 'is post:

Yes I know, and do you guys really think that I am that dumb (rhetorical question, don't bother)

In the 4 and a bit years that I have lived here I have become more than aware of how certain aspects of rural life work and I will be making sure that she is under no illusions about my personal situation, and I want to know what her expectations are long before any sort of deflowering will even be considered.

The brain that isn't in my pants is in control this time.

Rest assured that she will lie.

We're only jealous anyway.

My neighbour has a good set up... his wife fled the scene a few years back, now living in France, and he finds rich pickings among the Chiang Rai universities. At the moment he is conducting relationships with three lasses in their late teens or early twenties and none have the foggiest idea where he lives. He's set them up in little apartments and just rings whenever he's planning a visit.

Who says the Dutch are cheese heads?

:D

Don't be too concerned, Naam. It's an Earthling thing that happens to blokes silly enough to get themselves stuck in tiny rural villages in foreign countries. When they're not worried about who to shag and who's going to know about it, they are sitting in their salas drinking themselves stupid and trying to convince themselves that 'this is the life!' (With apologies to Thad)

Thad, im not going give any moral spiel, as I believe we should all live our lives as we see fit (and hopefully not hurt anyone else in the process), but (yes, there is a 'but' - sorry, but its not a moral 'but'), it sounds like you are taking some pretty big chances. Im a great believer in trying to live life to the full, and taking some risks..BUT (oh heck..so many 'buts' in this paragraph...), calculated risks. I know nothing of rural Thai life, but I imagine it could be potentially dangerous if you mess around too much.

Ignore all of that, im babbling. You seem like a wise man, so you must already know the score anyway.

Think with the big head and be careful.

:D

Don't be too concerned, Naam. It's an Earthling thing that happens to blokes silly enough to get themselves stuck in tiny rural villages in foreign countries. When they're not worried about who to shag and who's going to know about it, they are sitting in their salas drinking themselves stupid and trying to convince themselves that 'this is the life!' (With apologies to Thad)

blokes silly enough to get themselves stuck in tiny rural villages in foreign countries

Yeah, that pretty well sums me up.

M'lud, for the defence I must say my lifestyle here is better than it would be anywhere else in the world under my current circumstances.

Having been relieved of large lumps of cash and investments by a previous wife and with no desire to return to the treadmill I live quite comfortably with virtually everything my heart desires.

Except hanky panky but I'm getting past it anyway.

.......Where does the word hanky panky originate from?

Madonna.

Hokkani boro, also called hakk'ni panki is a term in the Romani language for "the great trick." Hokkani boro is often practiced by Romani people, or Gypsies, and is used to gain a client's trust and then his or her money.

I preferred my answer...

18....really? I personally couldn't see anything of interest in an 18 year old boy, no matter how good looking or the potential sexual benefits. I'm 33 years old & I need to be with a man & I would presume that at your age thad, you need a women not a girl. Sorry, not a moral issue for me per se, just one of, 18 year olds & especially thai 18 year old girls, are silly & childish. Just can't understand the appeal of having to listen to inane twaddle about mobile phones & hello kitty.

But hey, I don't know her, she may have hidden depths, she'd be the only 18 year old in the universe to do so, but it's possible I suppose.

Hokkani boro, also called hakk'ni panki is a term in the Romani language for "the great trick." Hokkani boro is often practiced by Romani people, or Gypsies, and is used to gain a client's trust and then his or her money.

My OED says: behaviour considered improper but not seriously so. Origin 19C probably an alternative form of 'Hokey-Pokey'.

Are you suggesting that Wiki may be wrong?

Never!