Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

[scottiejohn]

16 minutes ago, billd766 said:

 

If all else fails my advice as an engineer of some 50 years is to apply increasing gentle pressure from 2 pound calibrated lump hammer.

 

That usually fixes the problem. If it doesn't fix the problem quickly then you used a hammer which was either too small or more likely out of calibration.

How do you calibrate the lump hammer to fix windows?  Do you count the lumps on your thumb or keep hitting the keyboard till you get a blue screen of death or do you place the hammer in an empty bay and wait for the message?

[laislica]

N'body knows but them that knows,

But them that knows tell n'body?

 

[billd766]

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

How do you calibrate the lump hammer to fix windows?  Do you count the lumps on your thumb or keep hitting the keyboard till you get a blue screen of death or do you place the hammer in an empty bay and wait for the message?

 

Do you not hit the keyboard harder when windows is playing up? Smack the mouse on the desk in frustration. Hit the monitor?

 

Those are all electronic versions of the calibrated hammer.

[scottiejohn]

15 minutes ago, billd766 said:

 

Do you not hit the keyboard harder when windows is playing up? Smack the mouse on the desk in frustration. Hit the monitor?

 

Those are all electronic versions of the calibrated hammer.

I was told when I got my 'whatever it is thing' that it was 'plug and play' and that I would be 'hammering away' all day once I got the hang of it.

 

I can never get windows to play down, never mind play up.  I did not know I was meant to hit the keyboard not press the individual keys. Maybe that what they meant by 'hammering away'.

As for smacking the mouse!  I have never maltreated an animal in my life, but I have been worried recently as the cheese I gave the mouse when I first got 'her' has started to go bit moldy and as for the 'monitor'  it hasn't monitored anything since it arrived and given me no entertainment.  Some entertainment center.

 

I think I will give up 'whatever it was called' above and get a 'what the hell is it called' after all. I am told you can pick one up in a bar quite cheap and it will entertain you all night, even if you do have to hammer away at it all night!

 

PS; will the swelling on my thumb, after the calibration, go down after I stop hammering away?

[scottiejohn]

On ‎17‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 2:44 PM, laislica said:

I went to the pub last night and saw a big girl dancing on a table,
I said to her, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

And then the fight started!

[scottiejohn]

On ‎18‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 7:26 PM, White Christmas13 said:

Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.

 

No!  Don't egg us on and exaggerate. The Yolk is always on the egg.

It's because it will all get poached by a toaster (sorry  poster) and the punch line scrambled and then people will get all boiled up so the whole thing ends up as toast.  

Take this with a pinch of salt.

 

As these responses bad enough for this forum?

[scottiejohn]

On ‎17‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 5:28 PM, laislica said:

I rang the nuisance calls helpline, and they said not you again.

So I called them again!

[scottiejohn]

On ‎17‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 6:55 PM, White Christmas13 said:

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.

Worth Less!

[scottiejohn]

On ‎21‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 8:48 PM, White Christmas13 said:

Owning a new pet fish

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

Just pick the right scales!

Pun intended.

[scottiejohn]

On ‎29‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 8:34 PM, laislica said:

Apparently, the WW1 poster of Lord Kitchener looks like he is pointing at you from wherever you're standing.

I didn't know, until I had a propaganda at it.

From where I am standing I don't see the point of it?

I don't believe it anyway as you must be making it up!

[scottiejohn]

On ‎30‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 4:08 PM, billd766 said:

 

Me too.

 

It was in black and white on the radio.

Sorry you must be wrong.

 

I remember watching it in green and brown. It was a Bush radio! They may have had other colours later as I believe they did branch out, but the new projects never truly took root and were a signal failure.

Dial up  for the next episode of my inane add-ons to old posts. I do hope they are sufficiently off tune to be acceptable on this forum.

 

[scottiejohn]

On ‎31‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 8:38 PM, laislica said:

Happy New Year!

Early I know but I suffer from premature congratulation

As it is Easter weekend and Palm Sunday today and the timing is perfect you must be looking forward to the second coming.

[Minnie the Minx]

[kickstart]

8 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Did they broadcast the wedding Pictures and did they need a TV Licence or a wedding licence?

Or.

I went to  my tv repair man's wedding,  brilliant reception.

[Panda13]

Boy : Hi !
Girl : I have a boyfriend !
Boy : I said hi, not suck my dick.

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[billd766]

7 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I was told when I got my 'whatever it is thing' that it was 'plug and play' and that I would be 'hammering away' all day once I got the hang of it.

 

I can never get windows to play down, never mind play up.  I did not know I was meant to hit the keyboard not press the individual keys. Maybe that what they meant by 'hammering away'.

As for smacking the mouse!  I have never maltreated an animal in my life, but I have been worried recently as the cheese I gave the mouse when I first got 'her' has started to go bit moldy and as for the 'monitor'  it hasn't monitored anything since it arrived and given me no entertainment.  Some entertainment center.

 

I think I will give up 'whatever it was called' above and get a 'what the hell is it called' after all. I am told you can pick one up in a bar quite cheap and it will entertain you all night, even if you do have to hammer away at it all night!

 

PS; will the swelling on my thumb, after the calibration, go down after I stop hammering away?

 

Yes it will.

 

Also the swelling you get from the bar entertainment will also go down, but that may return one or more time during the night (if you get lucky). It will certainly compensate for the mouse, monitor and windows problems that you may have, especially if you close the curtains on windows.

[laislica]

On 15/04/2017 at 7:28 PM, laislica said:

 

On 13/04/2017 at 7:17 PM, scottiejohn said:

On 10/09/2016 at 8:10 PM, laislica said:

            Don't you just hate cyclist road hogs?

It took me over 30 minutes to get past this lot today!

 

What took you so long.  Did you not have both hands on the steering wheel or were your glasses too steamed up?

 

 

ER. sorry, what was the question?

 

Pardon?

[scottiejohn]

2 hours ago, laislica said:

Pardon?

What did you do that requires a pardon?

[scottiejohn]

Some Easter Egg one liners. Hope you don't crack up or scramble/fry your brains.

(if your reading this tripe you ain't got any brains!)

 

How do you know the Easter Bunny is really smart?

Because he's an egghead.

　

What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?

It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!

　

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?

He was eggspelled!

　

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?

She had to call an eggs-terminator!

　

Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

　

What day does an Easter egg hate the most?

Fry-days.

　

What kind of bunny can't hop?

A chocolate one!

　

Why did the Easter egg hide?

He was a little chicken!

　

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny!

　

Why was the little girl sad after the egg and spoon race?

Because an egg beater!

　

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

A hot cross bunny

 

Why won't Easter eggs go out at night?

They don't want to get "beat up".

　

Why couldn't the Easter egg family watch T.V.?

Because their cable was scrambled.

　

What do you call a mischievous egg?

A practical yolker

 

What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much?

He cracked up.

　

What do you call a sleepy Easter egg?

Egg-zosted!

Same as me after the above eggsplosions of mirth!

[scottiejohn]

Three Blondes and Easter!

 

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

 

 The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

 

 He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

 

 St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

 

 He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that sometimes coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover and the Thailand New Year and some Sikh festivals. In Christianity Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

 

 

 

 

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus, dressed as a bunny rabbit can come out (no gay comments please!) get his Easter egg, Christmas presents and thanksgiving turkey and 'Cross' the holidays off for another year."

[scottiejohn]

Easter = Jesus missing in action

 

A  school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.
"Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised.
"He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride. Quite correct said the teacher.

He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart" That is also Quite correct said the teacher.

The only boy left with his hand raised  gave this answer "He's in my bathroom!"

Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face.

"Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?"

[scottiejohn]

I've done Christianity above (I might re-phrase that!) Here is Buddhism/Sonkran to even it up.

 

 Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
 A: Because they have no attachments.

 

 So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.

Q. What did the Buddhist tell the salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?
 A. Too many attachments!

 

  Q. What did the Buddhist say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game?
 A. Make me one with everything!

 After the man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled. The man, infuriated, demanded, "Where is my change."
 The vendor replied, "O, one with everything, change comes from within."

 
 Q: Did you hear about the new low-fat religion?
 A: "I Cant Believe Its Not Buddha"

 Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
 A: He enters Nerdvana.

 Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?
 A. Inquire within!

 The Master: I've never met someone so thoughtless in my life. Keep up the good work.
 The disciple: Thank you Master,

 

 I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.

 

 I hear the Dalai Lama recently fired his gardener, who had a degree in carnations but didn't dig reincarnations.

 

 My karma ran over my dogma....

 

[scottiejohn]

19 hours ago, billd766 said:

 

Yes it will.

 

Also the swelling you get from the bar entertainment will also go down, but that may return one or more time during the night (if you get lucky). It will certainly compensate for the mouse, monitor and windows problems that you may have, especially if you close the curtains on windows.

Dear Billd766 - Agony Person

(we are not allowed to say Agony Aunt any more!)

 

Thank you for hammering home these responses to my ignorant questions.

 

The thumb swelling is going down but not as quickly as the bar induced swelling which seems to have a mind of its own and keeps changing direction. One minute up, one down, one in, one out! Is this a new dance routine that my mummy did not warn me about?

 

When I bought the entertainment ‘something or other’ with windows, but no curtains as mentioned earlier, I just paid a lump sum but now I am being told by the new ‘take away’ service at the bar that I am required to make a number of different types of deposits to keep my account open.

 

Can you please advise further.

[simoh1490]

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy  efficient kind.

Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG, r u kiddin me !

Hellloooo . . . Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid.

 

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year ~ that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year.

Well Hellooooo Mr. Window Guy ! It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back.

I can only imagine that he must've felt like a real flippin idiot.

[scottiejohn]

After to announcement of a UK election a couple of political jokes!

Social Security Sex

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going.

The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies," Eh, i'm having social security sex."

His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?"

"Yeah well I get a little bit every month but its not enough to live on."

　

Local Government

Once upon a time the council had an unused office in the middle of town. The local councillor said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then the councillor said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

 

Then the councillor said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

 

Then the councillor said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

 

Then the councillor said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

 

Then the councillor said, "We have just been informed that due to budget cuts we must reduce overheads so they laid off the night watchman.

[scottiejohn]

A few one liners!

 

Why did the MP cross the road? – Because he said he wouldn't.

 

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

 

The consensus after the Brexit referendum is that 100% of Brits think 50% of them have lost their minds.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

 

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

 

Political parties are like divorced parents. They care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are of their well-being.

 

Don't steal. That's the government's job.

 

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

　

It was so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

[scottiejohn]

 

Churchill and Atlee in the late 40s were in the toilets of Parliament. Churchill was standing by a urinal about to do his business, when Atlee walked over to the urinal next to him. Churchill gave him a hostile look and shuffled along several urinals away from Atlee.

Atlee said to Churchill "Winston, I know we're opponents in the House, but there is no need to be hostile to me on a personal level!"

Churchill responded "Oh don't worry Atlee. It was just that I was a bit nervous. Because when you socialists see something that's big and works well, you tend to want to seize it!"