Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[fasteddie]

CNN: "Latest North Korean ICBM flew long enough to have reached Seattle"
They won't be getting much sleep there tonight !!!!

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

If your dog's barking at the back door and your wife is barking at the front, who do you let in?

The dog. At least the dog will shut up once he comes inside.

　

How are women like dog sh*t?

The older they are, the easier to pick up.

　

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A broad that won't do as she's told!

　

How do you know a woman is wearing pantyhose?

Her ankles swell up when she farts.

　

What's another way to tell a woman's wearing pantyhose?

Her toes curl up when you scr*w her.

　

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't call you constantly after you dump a load in it.

　

Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair?

When they drag them by the ankles, they fill up with dirt.

　

Jason tried to pick up a girl in a bar with this line: "How would you like your eggs in the morning?"

Lisa replied, "Unfertilized."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The Congregation’s Choice

 

One beautiful Sunday morning the minister announced to his congregation, "I have here in my hands three sermons."

 

"One is a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes.  Another is a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes.  The last one is $10 sermon that lasts an hour." 

 

 

 

 

"We will now take the collection and see which one you have chosen."

 

PS; apparently it was not said in a synagogue!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Cliff stepped out of the shower.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," he told his wife, Dee.

"What do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn naked?"

She answered,

　

"Probably, that I married you for your money, and certainly not for any of your other so called assets!"

[scottiejohn]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[White Christmas13]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A guy jogging through the park notices a homeless man on a bench eating dog food.

The sight sickens him.

The next day he sees the same bum on the same bench, again eating dog food out of a can with the same spoon.

He stops jogging to tell the man, "That stuff is going to kill you. Dog food isn't made for humans."

"<deleted> off!" screams the bum.

The next day he warns the guy again, "That stuff is going to kill you."

"<deleted> off!" was the reply again.

Day after day for a month, he tries to get the guy to eat something else.

One day the bench is empty.

He looks around the park but doesn't see him.

He asked another park regular if he'd seen the homeless guy who sits on the same bench and eats dog food out of a can with the same spoon everyday. "Oh him, he died."

"I told him that dog food was going to kill him!"

The other guy says, "It wasn't the dog food that killed.

He was sitting on the curb, licking his b*lls and got hit by a bus."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two hunters get lost in the woods.

After wandering around for hours one remembers something that he read in the hunting manual.

If you get lost you should fire shots in the air and wait for help to arrive.

He fires a shot and then waits an hour and no help arrives.

They fire another shot and wait some more. Nothing.

They fire another, then another.

They're growing really impatient and it's getting dark now.

"Fire another shot," one says to the other.

 

"Okay, but somebody better come soon, I'm running out of arrows.".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A husband and wife were on a TV contest. All that was required of them was to answer the same five questions the same way and they win a week long cruise. With his wife in the soundproof booth, the husband went first.

His first question was: "What did your wife wear on your first date?"

He answered: "A red dress."

The second was: "Where did you go on your first anniversary for a meal?"

He answered: "Red Lobster."

The third question: "What was the color of your first car you bought as a couple?"

He was relieved that he new the answer: "Red," he said smugly.

His forth question: "WHEN was the last time you two had sex?"

That, he was proud to answer. "Today! It was this morning, before I left for work."

His last question: "WHERE was the last place you two had sex?"

With a chuckle, "On the kitchen table after breakfast," he said with a great cheesy grin.

 

Now it was the wife's turn. She answered the first three questions without hesitation.

The forth question kind of threw her. She was sheepish to say, "This morning?"

The fifth and last question of... "WHERE did you last have sex?" produced silence a great red blush on her face.

"This is for a nice trip, just one more correct answer is all we need" said the presenter. "No way! My parents are watching." "So what? This is for that cruise that you said you always wanted to go on," begged the presenter. The studio audience are laughing their heads off. "Come on Honey. Just tell them where. Please!" begged her husband. "

All right!" she said. After a long pause she finally answered...

 

 

 

 

"In the *ss."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

After twenty years of having sex in the dark the wife finds out her husband has been using a strap-on with her the whole time.

Angry, she storms into the living room with the evidence.

"Explain the dildo you b*st*rd!"

 

He calmly replied, "Explain the kids."

[scottiejohn]

[MJCM]

A husband and wife were on a TV contest. All that was required of them was to answer the same five questions the same way and they win a week long cruise. With his wife in the soundproof booth, the husband went first.
His first question was: "What did your wife wear on your first date?"
He answered: "A red dress."
The second was: "Where did you go on your first anniversary for a meal?"
He answered: "Red Lobster."
The third question: "What was the color of your first car you bought as a couple?"
He was relieved that he new the answer: "Red," he said smugly.
His forth question: "WHEN was the last time you two had sex?"
That, he was proud to answer. "Today! It was this morning, before I left for work."
His last question: "WHERE was the last place you two had sex?"
With a chuckle, "On the kitchen table after breakfast," he said with a great cheesy grin.
 
Now it was the wife's turn. She answered the first three questions without hesitation.
The forth question kind of threw her. She was sheepish to say, "This morning?"
The fifth and last question of... "WHERE did you last have sex?" produced silence a great red blush on her face.
"This is for a nice trip, just one more correct answer is all we need" said the presenter. "No way! My parents are watching." "So what? This is for that cruise that you said you always wanted to go on," begged the presenter. The studio audience are laughing their heads off. "Come on Honey. Just tell them where. Please!" begged her husband. "
All right!" she said. After a long pause she finally answered...
 
 
 
 
"In the *ss."

This really happened;)

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Why do women fake orgasms?

They think we care.

 

Why don't women fart?

They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any internal pressure.

 

What's the difference between a d*ck and a hundred dollar bill?

My wife will blow a hundred dollar bill in less time than it takes to wink or blink or.....w..k.

 

What's the difference between a bl*w job and a sandwich?

If you don't know, lunch is on me. (And watch out for the mayo!)

 

What do Chinese people do with dogs with no legs?

Wok ‘em.

 

As far as getting women go with you!...Willing beats pretty, when you’re desperate!

 

What do you call a cow that had an abortion?

Decaffeinated. (But still with milk on the slide!)

　

How do you make a cat sound just like a dog?

Douse it with petrol and set it alight. It’ll soon go WOOF and bark off!!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A family of moles wake up one morning and Papa mole runs up to the hole entrance claiming he smells cookies.

He calls momma mole over to help locate the smell's origin.

Momma mole sticks her head out and claims not to be able to smell any cookies.

They call the baby mole over to see if he can smell cookies.

Both his parents are blocking the hole entrance as they look inside while still trying to get a sniff of the scent.

He looks up and says, "

 

 

All I can smell is mole-asses."