Worst Joke Ever

scottiejohn · August 8, 2017

A mother called her son early on Sunday morning to make sure he got out of bed for church.

"I’m not going," he told her.

His mother demanded, "Yes you are going—now get out of that bed!"

"Give me at least one good reason why I should go," her son said.

"I’ll give you three good reasons," the mother exclaimed.

"One I’m your mother and I say so!

Two, you’re 40 years old, so you are old enough to know better…..

And three;

you’re the preacher of the church, you have to be there!"

Edited August 8, 2017 by scottiejohn

scottiejohn · August 8, 2017

scottiejohn · August 8, 2017

Three friends were hiking when they came upon a large, raging river. They wanted to cross and get to the other side, but had no idea how.

The first hiker prayed to God and in his prayer he said: "Please God, give me the strength to cross the river." God gave him two big arms and extra strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, although he almost drowned two times.

The second hiker prayed to God and in his prayer said: "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross the river. God gave him a rowboat and he used it to cross to the other side in about half an hour, although he almost capsized the boat twice.

The third hiker having seen what his friends had to deal with now prayed to God. In his prayer he said: Please God, give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

God turned him into a woman.

She looked at the map, hiked downstream about a hundred yards and walked across the bridge.

scottiejohn · August 8, 2017

scottiejohn · August 8, 2017

Three boys were on the school playground and they were bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I’ve got you both topped. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

scottiejohn · August 8, 2017

Daffy D · August 8, 2017

Ok! Scottiejohn Just give you a break :-

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Daffy D · August 8, 2017

Irish Brothers.

A man is run over and is decapitated, there is a big crowd and one of the crowd says to a policeman I know that man he lives in number 2 just up the road he lives with his Irish brother. the policeman picks up the head by the hair marches up to number 2 and knocks on the door, when the door is answered by a man the policeman holding the head by the hair asks him is this your brother the man replies no my brother is a lot taller than that.

Daffy D · August 8, 2017

A German tourist on the roads of Poland was stopped by a police officer:

Police officer: "Name?"

German: "Heinrich Klimt"

Police officer: "Age?"

German: "31"

Police officer: "Occupation?"

German: "No, no. Just visiting"

Daffy D · August 8, 2017

last saturday night, a young chap was walking home from a club. it was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. most of the street lights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. then suddenly he heard a strange noise......

bump......

startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

bump......

he froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly... it was a coffin. not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

bump......

he could feel the coffin gaining on him, so he started walking faster......

bump......bump......

the coffin was closing with his every step. he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

bump......bump......bump......

he started to sprint, but so did the coffin......

bump......bump......bump......bump......

eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. he shot into his front room, and lumped into his comfy chair. suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. the force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase......