A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

　

Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those "men" already have boyfriends.

 

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end, my husband said, "I think we are getting along pretty great lately!"

　

With great power, comes great electricity bills.

　

When everything is coming your way, check it out, maybe you're driving in the wrong lane.

　

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

　

One day, I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

　

You cannot taste me until you undress me, says the banana.

　

You cannot play with me unless you blow me, says the balloon.

　

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Blind Date

 

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant as he was of course trying to make a good impression.

The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady keeps ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, Lobster, Steak, crepes Suzette, Cheese & Biscuits etc; with no regard to the price or size of the portions.

The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

 

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting for your size of appetite as the Mississippi River."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You’re A, B, C, D, E, F , G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy , Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that’s so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

 

He said, "I’m Just Kidding"

Dave’s top 15 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017 has just been published-here it is hot off the press

 

1."I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change." Ken Cheng

2."Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book." Frankie Boyle

3."I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?" Alexei Sayle

4."I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her." Lew Fitz

5."I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated." Andy Field

6."Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant." Mark Simmons

7."I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it …" Jimeoin

8."I have two boys, five and six. We’re no good at naming things in our house." Ed Byrne

9."I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died ... which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine." Olaf Falafel

10."Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’, I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’" Alasdair Beckett-King

11."A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event." Angela Barnes

12."As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting, but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer." Adele Cliff

13."For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it." Phil Wang

14."I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark." Adam Hess

15."I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act." Tim Vine

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.”

1 hour ago, White Christmas13 said:

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.”

Yes we know, its at number two in my post just above yours!

My wife is so fat she sits around the house.

 

The Pikeys won the lottery; bought a house nearer the tip.

 

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are debating outside a pub about having a drink. The Scot looks at his watch; "it's getting late." "We've got time for a couple to be sure", said Paddy. "Well let's get in there and order", said the Englishman. They walk to the bar. Paddy says to English; "Where the <snip> is Jock?"

 

A Jewish guy and a Scot were in the dock for being drunk and causing a nuisence.The policeman was giving evidence. "Meludd, they were obviously drunk!" "Objection your honour." The judge steps in. "Before we continue; tell me officer how did you know this?" "Well meludd the Scotsman was throwing money over his shoulder and the Jewish gentleman was picking it up and giving it back to him!!"

 

 

 

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

 

I'm great at multitasking! I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

　

I can compare relationships to Algebra. Why? Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

　

Remember, whatever you do, always give your 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

　

How did I escape Iraq? Of course Iran!

　

My first child has gone off to college, and I feel a great emptiness in my life, specifically, my checking account.

　

My neighbor told me that they planted seedless watermelons, I wonder where do they get the seeds.

　

Waking up this morning was really an eye-opening experience.

　　

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned as I couldn't concentrate and took the pip.

　

Exercising could be more fun if you can hear your calories screaming while you burn them.

　

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

　

Whenever I have a headache, I take two aspirins and keep away from the children, just like the bottle says.

 

"Hello?" "Hi honey is that you, this is Daddy, it’s a very bad line! Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, …this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy" "And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

****Long Pause*******Longer Pause***Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"… We do not have swimming pool! Is this 486 -5731?? NO!

OH my God!!   wrong number Goodbye

 

The Birthday Present

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife,

"Dear, what would you like for your present?"

Wife: I really do not think I should say.

Husband: How about a diamond ring?

Wife: I do not care much for diamonds.

Husband: well, the, a mink coat?

Wife: You know I do not like furs.

Husband: A golden necklace?

Wife: I already have three of them.

Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?

Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce

 

 

Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much.

I'm married to a muslim girl. She is soooo fashion conscious.

 

The other night I was watching the footy on TV and she came into the room. "Owl dear; please look at my dress and tell me if it's OK to wear tonight when we go out." I wasn't really paying attention but gave a quick glance. "Looks OK to me darling." "You can't see the bomb under it?!" She asked.

 

I took more interest. "Fatima; if you are thinking of blowing us all up in the Frog and Gun tonight then I'm not going with you." This seemed to get her goat. "OK.... I'll not wear it. You think I'd waste all this explosive just on your useless mates?!"

 

 

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. So if you're in the Tel Aviv airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion and shortly thereafter, the following announcement:  "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat is

available on flight 670 to London" - you know their security system is working and there is one less suicide bomber to worry about.

 

(if only it was true and not a "joke"!)

Hi Owl see all;

33 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

(if only it was true and not a "joke"!)

Could have done without this last line.

21 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Hi Owl see all;

It was her smile that did it for me.

1 hour ago, owl sees all said:

It was her smile that did it for me.

And I thought it was just her dark side you were after!

1 hour ago, owl sees all said:

Could have done without this last line.

Quite right, I should have edited that line out.

<deleted> was going to upgrade its judical system and a committee was formed. The Chairman speaks; "To start with; let's look at court procedure." "Get reports of all major UK court cases for the last 10 years. We might be able to learn so much from the English."

 

"Ok Mr Chairman we are on the job."

 

Three months later the committee has reconvened. The report has been finalised and the the Secretary stands up and reads. "The summary is as follows Mr Chairman:

 

1 Each case needs 12 good people for a jury.
2 A clerk is needed to advise the judge.
3 And a person, that at regular intervals, runs around the court grabbing ladies breasts."

 

The chairman listens. "What is this number 3?" He asks. "This is a joke surely Mr Secretary." 

 

"No joke Mr Chairman. One of these people is needed virtually every court case." The Chairman is not convinced. "Show me in the reports where this has occured."

 

Newspaper cuttings are placed in front of the Chairman. The  
secretary points to the appopriate words. "Read the words for me Mr Secretary." The Secretary points and quotes; "at this point a titter ran 'round the court." 

My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy,

so I got drunk.

　

How do you make an egg laugh?

Crack a yolk.

　

What clothes does a house wear?

Address.

　

What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!

Yeah and I think I’ll be down there with you

　

What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.

　

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.

　

What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors?

A piano.

　

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

It becomes wet.

　

What is a cow with no legs called?

Ah, ground beef.

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'your hearing is perfect now. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear so clearly again.

 

The gentleman replied, 'oh, I haven't told anyone yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

 

I've changed my will three times since I last saw you!