Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Bicycle one-liners-I promise not to re-cycle them!

 (I can't handle big motor bikes so your stuck with these)

 

What is a ghost-proof bicycle?

One with no spooks in it.

　

"Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym teacher.

"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy."

"I'm freewheeling, sir."

　

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?

It was a vicious cycle.

　

My dog is a nuisance.  He chases everyone on a bicycle.

What can I do? Take his bike away.

　

Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?

A penny-farthing.

　

Why did the boy take his bicycle to bed with him?

Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

　

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up for itself?

Because it was two-tyred.

　

A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said, 'Don't you know how to ride a bike?'

'Yes,' he answered, 'but I don't know how to ring the bell yet'

　

Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said: 'I didn't think we'd make it!' Jill replied,

'Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!'

　

I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.

Farcical?

　

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?

The road.

　

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.

'Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!'

[scottiejohn]

[White Christmas13]

Who said Chinese drivers can't drive

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

12 minutes ago, White Christmas13 said:

Who said Chinese drivers can't drive

 

 

 

He's not driving it is he

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding.

One wizard said, "What are we going to do?"

The other wizard replied, "Quick, turn the car into a side street."

　

What happens when a frog's car breaks down?

It gets toad away..

　

My dad is stupid.

He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.

　　

Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost?

It had a nervous breakdown.

　　

What should a teacher take if he's run down?

The number of the car that hit him.

　　

What sort of a car has your dad got?

I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T.

Really - Ours only starts with gas.

　

　

What is an autobiography?

The life story of an automobile.

 

What is an autograph?

A chart which shows car sales.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

There were three ducks swimming in a pond one night after midnight and they got arrested for trespassing.

They were called to appear in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swimming after midnight the duck said "blowing bubbles".

So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said "blowing bubbles".

Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said

 

 

"No I am BUBBLES".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says "

 

 

That's OK. I'll follow you on my Moped.

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

4 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Many a true word spoken in jest, I actually did that once, well actually I dropped it off down the road from my mates Lol

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy with each other. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Why didn’t you bring her back with you?"

"Nah," says the second friend eating his meal,

"I couldn't find her head."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem.

The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?"

The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

 

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair.

The dentist said "Open Wide"

She said "I can't, this chair has arms"

　

　

Wife: Can u explain how this lipstick got on your collar?

Husband: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off before going to bed.

 

Wife: I have changed my mind.

Husband: Thank God! Does the new one work now?

 

Wife: How many women have you slept with?

Husband: Only you, Darling... with all the others I was awake....

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Little boy asked his dad what’s in between his mum's legs. 

His dad says; "It's paradise my boy."

"Ok what’s in between your legs" and his dad replies

"It’s the key to paradise."

The boy stops and thinks for a moment and then says to his dad;

 

"Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

　

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

[laislica]

"I haven't spoken to my wife for over a week now"

"Why not?" I hear you ask.





"Because I don't like to interrupt"


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

[Daffy D]

The young lady teacher had a full class of mixed infant children trying to teach them the alphabet,then just as the headmaster put his head through the doorway she let out a loud fart.
 To cover her indiscretion she shouted to little Johnny in the front row "Stop that at once".
 Johnny replied "Yes miss ,which way did it go"
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A STUDY has found the average Australian walks about 1500km a year.

 Another study found the average Australian drinks 83 litres of beer a year.

 That means the average Australian gets about 18km per litre.

 Bloody good value, that!
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SITTING at the bar, I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend, Perry, “that’ll be us in 10 years”.

He turned to me and said: “That’s a mirror, you idiot!”
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JOHNNY went for a job interview.

 The first thing they told him was, “We are looking for someone responsible”.

Johnny replied, “I’m just the man you’re looking for! At my last job every time anything bad happened, they told me I was responsible”.
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AN airline introduced a special package for businessmen — buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.

 All of them gave the same reply: “What trip?”
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My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her.

 Finally she’ll experience what rejection is really like.
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What animal has five legs?
 A pitbull returning from a playground.
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[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

This is a load of doggerel but here goes!

Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?

A: Terrier-fied!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road?

A: To get to the "barking" lot!

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?

A: A bloodhound!

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

A: He stole the show!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?

A: A golden receiver!

Q: What does my dog and my phone have in common?

A: They both have collar I.D.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?

A: Dingo Starr!

Q: What do you call a dog magician?

A: A labracadabrador.　

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?

A: The collie wobbles!　

Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?

A: A dusky husky!　

Q: What do you call a cold South American dog?

A: A Chilli Dog.

Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?

A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.　

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?

A: It barked with de-light!　

Q: What is a dogs favorite instrument?

A: A trombone.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the  Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the

Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua as a seeing eye dog?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me

a fricking Chihuahua? the cheeting b@stards."

[scottiejohn]

[laislica]

This gotta be the one.....

 

 

 

[scottiejohn]

16 hours ago, laislica said:

This gotta be the one.....

 

 

 

Are you down in the dumps, if so I will wish you well.