Why is it that the intensity of the diarrhea is directly proportional to the lack of tissue in a public toilet?

This is very important.

I would also like an explanation for the magnetic affect that always draws the afflicted to the cubicle with no tissue, when the thrones either side are resplendent.

( edited for the question "does a bowel movement make your arse magnetic, and is there an evil genius somewhere who places attracting magnets in cubicles with no tissue ?" )

And, how does one clean yourself off after a poop, when there is no paper, and just a tiny water scooper to do the job? There is no place to hang your clothes, but you have to almost totally disrobe to do the job properly. Fortunately, I always carry paper with me wherever I travel. I always have paper in my camera bag, and I seldom go anywhere without my camera.

There was a pretty funny thread about all the terrible toilets people have encountered on their travels. There were some pretty gruesome ones illustrated.

There is no place to hang your clothes, but you have to almost totally disrobe to do the job properly.

Not forgetting the dirty footprints/liquid scum on the floor of a rural gas station squat toilet where you're squatting with your trousers round your ankles with the cuffs of the aforementioned trousers silently absorbing a few millimeters worth of ooze from the floor. That's if you're actually capable of squatting (unlike me) and are sitting ( shudder) with your arse cheeks perched lightly on the porcelain thinking " This really sucks"

To quote from Marlon Brando in "Apocalypse Now"

"The horror. The horror."

The Ghost problems work on the same principle as the search for a leader in the UK elections.