Wish I Had Thought To Say That!

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest

woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited

by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good

beginning and a good ending; and to have the

two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only

once a year. ~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may

die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?

Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll

become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become

a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked

for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every

now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with

firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most

things. ~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his

diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.

The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,

people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring

you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy

you money. ~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be

dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was

'shut up'. ~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little

later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it

had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ; ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal