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Title: Some Dick looking for an increase again...

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor. I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the work place rather messy after your shift.

You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task and, if that were not all,

You have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags

Sincerely

The Management

Personal Advert:

I am a deeply sensitive man with whom you can open your

heart to and share you innermost thoughts and your

deepest secrets. Confide in me. Let me in and I promise I'll

show you compassion, soothe your soul, and put lasting

balm on your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Never forget Rule #1

New words and phrases...

New entries for the Oxford English Dictionary 2005

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking ballocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and

whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message

"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e. g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am in the morning.

BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live,how you got here, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman

Death Wish

totster

Dave staggers out of the pub at one in the morning after a lock-in session. He's p1ssed out of his head and he has to get home.

He decides to take the short cut through the woods and across the railway tracks.

It's a foggy night and pretty creepy as he stumbles through the woods on his way home.

Just as he gets to the railway tracks, he decides he needs a piss. Whilst he is leaning against a tree, whistling tunelessly and relieving his bladder, the fog parts and he can see something close to the tracks. He zips himself up and takes another look just as the fog closes in again. He swears it looks like a person asleep near the tracks.

He stumbles along until he comes across a woman lying there. He picks her up and brushes her down and takes her back to his house.

As soon as he's through the door it's sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

When he wakes up in the morning, before he goes to work it's more sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

He comes home and yet again, it's sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Five days later whilst at work, his best mate John pops into his cubicle.

'Dave, what's the matter with you? You're always half asleep, there are bags under your eyes and you just don't seem to have any energy these days. You don't even come from a pint after work with me anymore'.

Dave tells him about the night he found the woman and took her back home with him and all the non-stop sex he's been having.

'But Dave', John says, 'that's great, she's obviously a good root, does she give good blow-jobs too?'

Dave says ' Dunno, I never found her head'.

What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

This one also I cannot get back to the topic list by hitting the back button. This is agtain only on TV.

A much better reason not to take up weightlifting than the reason I posted in the jokes forum.

here

A much better reason not to take up weightlifting than the reason I posted in the jokes forum.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jeeze! I was just about to have lunch!

A much better reason not to take up weightlifting than the reason I posted in the jokes forum.

Jeeze! I was just about to have lunch!

I just brought mine up!!!

Not sure if these have been done before...

Only in Thailand... no shit!!!

One for all the Billy Connelly fans...

No offence intended to our alternative members...

No offence intended to our alternative members... 

My colon is so swollen, Raw Hide. Even the operator couldn't help laughing.

nice one

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A 4 Litre of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A 1 Litre jug of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 9 kg can of coffee,

And one package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

Nice one Jai Dee!

Cheers for the last few downloads Jai Dee, very funny!

How to get a Lesbian to stop smoking.......

Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis.

The first graders asked each other, "What's a penis?" None of them knew.

Finally one boy said, "I'll ask my Dad, he knows everything."

That evening the boy asked his Dad, "What's a penis?"

The father replied, "Well, if you're old enough to ask I guess you're old enough to know." Dad dropped his pants and said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, that's a perfect penis!"

The next day the boy told his friends, "I found out what a penis is, come on, I'll show you."

The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy, exposing himself to his friends, said, "That's a penis! As a matter of fact, if it was two inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"

The last one could apply to "that time of the month" too...

Man's first invention...

Something most of us in Thailand can all relate to...

A hairy joke...