Been Saving Them Up

[Dodeskaden]

DIAGNOSTIC COMPUTER

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

"My elbow hurts worse than anything. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it

a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do

about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot

cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar andtakes it to the drugstore.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and

avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this newtechnology was, Jack began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits

ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer

prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will

never get better.

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GRANDMA IN TRAFFIC

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day after coming from an exhilarating choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just thinking about how wonderful the Lord is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I never would have noticed the light!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!

GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those

lovely people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another gentleman waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and

gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why,

even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that

they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted

to ask me what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had

changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through

the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through before

the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them

after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

--Grandma

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SANTA

This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has

lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father

Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

“Are you OK?” asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.

“Stop !” shouts Father Christmas. “I will grant you three wishes on the

understanding that you will do me a favour”. “Would you ?” the man replies.

“That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you !”

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest

underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will

have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your

work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any

recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no

outstanding bills.

“Oh thank you, thank you !” says the man. “What is it that I can do for

you?”

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a

quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

“36” replies the man.

“You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren’t you!” laughed the

jolly fat gay bastard.

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From a book called 'Disorder in the Court'. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. (Makes me long for lawyer jokes).

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of

something that

you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember

which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you

when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

involved in voodoo

or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies

in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next

morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is

he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school

did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I

was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check

for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was

alive when you

began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and

practising law somewhere.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Belly laugh material. Wonderful offerings

[the gentleman]

"Oh thank you, thank you !” says the man. “What is it that I can do for

you?”

Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a

quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

“36” replies the man.

“You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren’t you!” laughed the

jolly fat gay bastard.