Paddy And Murphy

[Davey]

Paddy and Murphy are walking by a side road where construction is progressing, paddy falls down a hole, Murphy shots down... "Paddy, is it dark down there" Paddy replies "I don't know I can't see"... Murphy thinks on his feet and decides to throw Paddy a match, Paddy tries striking the match but it doesn't work, "it isn't working Murphy" he said. Murphy replies "Really? it was working yesterday"

Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy... "I can't see." replies Murphy, "All those bloody trees are in the way!"

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm so glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief... Everybody keeps blaming me!"

When Paddy fell a hundred feet from a building site he was asked if he was hurt by the fall. "Well no, not really" he replied... It wasn't the fall that hurt me so much as the landing."

1st Man: Oh hello, how are you, let me buy you a drink!

2nd Man: Why thank you." he replies. "Where are you from?

1st Man: Oh, I'm from Ireland," he replies.

2nd Man: You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

1st Man: Of course!

And they both pour back their drinks....

2nd Man: So, where in Ireland are you from?

1st Man: Dublin," comes the reply.

2nd Man: I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!

1st Man: Aye! why not!" And both men continue drinking.

2nd Man: So, like... hmmmm... What school did you go to?

1st Man: St. Mary's, I graduated in '62.

2nd Man: You don't say! This is bloody unbelievable, I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

1st Man: Noooo way???

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

Seamus walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Paddy says to Patrick, "What are you Doing Pat?" Pat replies. "I'm building a rocket to send to the sun." "Don't be daft!" Paddy says "It'll burn up before it gets there." "Ah well Paddy, I've thought of that already clever cloggs, I'm launching it at night."

Paddy rang Dublin airport and enquired: "Oh, hello, could you please tell me how long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?"... "Just a second Sir.." replied the receptioniast... "Thank you, you been most helpful..."

Paddy has just purchased a new chainsaw. The man behind the counter said that it would cut down 50 trees. Returning home Paddy set out to use his new chainsaw. After cutting down 40 trees he finds he is unable to cut down any more. Paddy is furious and returns straight back to the shop. The shop assistant asks, "Is there a problem sir?" Paddy replies "Well yes, yes there is. I purchased this chainsaw today and was told it would cut down 50 trees. I got to 40 and it won't cut no more." The assistant asks to take a look at the saw and he grabs hold of the starter pull. One tug and the chainsaw bursts into life, 'vvvvv, vvvvv VVVVRRRMMM'. Paddy jumps back in amazement... "Holly Jeebies, what the ###### is all that noise!".