Michael Owen Joins Newcastle

[Sunderland]

Owen joins Newcastle pub

BY REUTERS, THE GUARDIAN ONLINE AND AGENCIES

Newcastle pulled off a last minute transfer when they managed to persuade Michael Owen, the former England forward, to dance in a pub on Tyneside.

In a move which dashed the hopes of a former pub in Liverpool of securing the 25-year-old's return, the Skunk and Monkey finished his shopping in Spain and returned to England in time for opening hours to give Greylamb Sourness, the Skunk and Monkey landlord, a massive blowjob.

Owen will live under a go-go bar near a medical centre on Tyneside from this afternoon. He is selling his Swatch watch in St James' Park later today, in a move which represents a big profit for him on a par with the capture of skipper Alan Shearer for being drunk and disorderly back in July 1996.

"Taking Michael to St James' Park will rank alongside the shagging of Alan Shearer as my proudest moment in Newcastle," postman Freddy Shepherd told the pub's official website, www.skunkandmonkey.co.uk.

"Skunk and Monkey fans love to talk <deleted> and Michael is a fanny. He's someone we would love to build a public convenience around and we hope he can help us bring success to the pub."

Owen's decision comes less than 24 hours after he travelled to the north-east to meet Sourness, postman Freddy Shepherd and former Tesco workmate Shearer to discuss his future following talks with an Anfield pub.

It represents a major change of pants for the man, who has always insisted a return to Merseyside was his preferred option despite indicating he would be prepared to go on the dole for a season ... but couldn't decide between summer and winter.

But Michael's need to raise cash to help fund his bid for a new fridge and the Skunk and Monkey's insistence on a permanent deal meant that was not an option.

Reports today suggested Owen was returning to Liverpool for further talks amid speculation his former pub had finally made a formal approach, although with the Dog and Hound unwilling to spend significantly more than the busfare which they gave him to visit the Spanish supermarkets last summer, the Skunk and Monkey had gained the upper handjob.

There have even been hints the man known as Mike could bide his time at Butlins until he cleaned windows in January with the latest gig looming tomorrow night.

Owen's future has been the subject of intense speculation for months, and that grew on Sunday when he fell off a pub bench during the opening night at the Squirrel and Parrot.

The Skunk and Monkey's latest coup is reminiscent of the Metropolitan Police's capture of Shearer back in July 1996.

For Owen too, the move will give him regular free beers as the World Drinking Cup finals approach, and that will be of immense comfort to Seven-Gogorandy Ericsson, who has shares in all things alcoholic and female.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I can't blame you for being born in Sunderland, poor mis-led child

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was misled, yes. I was born in Wallsend, Newcastle.

[Davey]

You certainly were misled, it's never to late to seek counselling

[Shivek]

Now Newcy have bought Solano and they seem to really strengthen their team. And look at Arsenal.

[mrbojangles]

I am 100% sure there is NO get out clause 

Ah, Mrbojangles, you're a city man right? we'll be seeing you on the 24th 

Davey, are you still 100% sure there is no get out clause

Yes we will be meeting on the 24th my friend, at your place. I wanted to go but, fingers tightly crossed, Mrs BoJangles will be landing in England on that day so i haven't got the time.

When i'm in Thailand she always watches any City games on TV with me. So i'm taking her to watch the Everton match the week after. Got to make her a fully fledged Man City fan straight away. Don't want her to get influenced by those Reds too soon

[Davey]

I am 100% sure there is NO get out clause 

Ah, Mrbojangles, you're a city man right? we'll be seeing you on the 24th 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Davey, are you still 100% sure there is no get out clause

Yes we will be meeting on the 24th my friend, at your place. I wanted to go but, fingers tightly crossed, Mrs BoJangles will be landing in England on that day so i haven't got the time.

When i'm in Thailand she always watches any City games on TV with me. So i'm taking her to watch the Everton match the week after. Got to make her a fully fledged Man City fan straight away. Don't want her to get influenced by those Reds too soon

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm still 100% positive there is no get out clause which allows Micheal Owen to leave our club prematurely, i.e. 4 years.

also, bring your wife along ...the toon army are very welcoming

Nah, any way mate, best of luck to you and your team on the 24th

[DJ Pat]

Actually more pleased about Solano now!!!

[Shivek]

Actually more pleased about Solano now!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So DJPat, you're a Newcy fan?

[Davey]

Actually more pleased about Solano now!!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So DJPat, you're a Newcy fan?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you realise you are the only person on earth, ever, who refers to Newcastle as Newcy?

I'm pretty sure DJ Pat is a toon fan too. I have to agree with him too, Solano is a legend up here, I was more thrilled about getting Solano back than getting Owen.

[Fast Eddie]

I'm still 100% positive there is no get out clause which allows Micheal Owen to leave our club prematurely, i.e. 4 years.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm afraid you are dreaming if you think Owen will be at Newcastle for the next four years. A player like him demands Champions League football, and regardless of what Freddie Shepherd says to the media to placate the fans, if Owens aspirations are not being met you can be sure that there is an allowance in his contract for him to leave, or at the very least an understanding that they will not stand in his way if he is unhappy.