Have to clean up some stuff and get ready for better stuff to come.

Ha ha, keep them coming mate!

Some more....

Back of the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and took a set at the back.

She noticed the man opposite her looking at here smiling but not taking his eyes off of her.

So she moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed even more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested thinking that he was disturbed.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition...

She sat under a sweet’s sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's

Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this."

I just lost it!

Two here:

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "OK. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

Technology Pervert

Sometimes Life Just Sucks

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says, "Well, for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

and , last -- You don't stop laughing because you grow old--You grow old because you stop laughing.

He Said. She Said

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said . . . A widow.

He said .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

He Said. She Said

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

thats how it is with me and my wife