Dating A Thai Woman, Cultural-Sexual Issues

[Jimeson]

Hello...

I don't mean this post to be crass as this is an important issue to me involving sex and what I believe are cultural issues, I am sorry in advance if you feel offended, that is not my intention.

I have been dating a well educated and upper middle class 29 year old Thai woman for about 4 months ( am in my early 30s). I met her through some other well educated Thai friends. I guess you could say she is a "good girl".

She lives with her parents and her parents have really welcomed me into their home and while maybe they don't formally accept me as her boyfriend yet, they are super super nice to me. Her parents are very socially conservative and they believe she has not had sex before and will wait until marriage. She cannot spend the night at my house as her parents would not allow it

She is the kind of person who I love being around and I am really glad I am getting to know her. We have told each other we love each other already and this is really true for me.

In past relationships (all with westerners), I spent give or take 80% of the time with the person in private and 20% in public. With this Thai woman, it is the opposite. We spend almost all our time outside doing activities such as eating meals, going to the mall, having a coffee, etc. During this time we cannot touch, kiss, etc. For various reasons, it is not an option to spend most of our time together at my house. Related to this, there is one significant issue, however, that is getting in the way (for me, not for her). She and I have sex on average just 3 times a month and for her it does not seem like sex is even a priority or important. Sometimes, in the rare times she does come over to my house, she does not even want to have sex. For me, this is really difficult as I am used to being sexual with a woman on a very frequent basis when I am in a relationship. I think it keeps the relationship healthy and is a very important aspect of a relationship. When we do have sex it is very nice but the lack of frequency is just very difficult for me. I am not sure what to do as I am very frustrated. I don't want to cheat on her as I really hate that but I was not expecting this when we started our relationship...

What are your thoughts?

Should I chill out and accept I am in Thailand and this is normal until marriage? Do you think this is normal?

I am wondering especially if you think that if we did get married or lived together if we would have sex much more frequently (I read somewhere couples in general have sex an average 3-4 times a week, that would be enough for me) or is this something I should be concerned about if we do get married?

How would you deal with this issue?

I am especially interested in hearing Thai women's viewpoints on this but am open to others.

Thanks for any response.

Jimeson

Edited October 22, 2012 by Jimeson

[DrTuner]

Do it Thai style. Get her as a trophy and add a mia noi. Has worked for hundreds of years.

[Jawnie]

I think you should keep going exactly the way you are, while negotiating some 'give and take' on all issues, not just sex. By give and take, I mean identifying the cultural differences and the personal differences - they are not the same.

As to sex, at face value right now, you two don't seem to be sexually compatible regarding frequency. If that is truly the case, it will cause major issues as time goes by. Btw, average couples do NOT have sexy 3-4 times a week...it's far less than that. If you think she's going to change from 3 times a month to 3 times a week after marriage, you are dreaming.

Even if you think sex is an important part of a relationship, maybe she doesn't and the fact that you love her changes none of that. I don't think you are seeing this clearly and that you are expecting her to change toward what you want.

Question: can you live with sex 3-4 times a month? If the answer is no, or even a qualified no, you need to think about moving on regardless of your feelings. For example, I'm an American, healthy, balanced, etc., and sex 3-4 times a month with the woman I love would be, and always has been.....beautiful.

[Jawnie]

Do it Thai style. Get her as a trophy and add a mia noi. Has worked for hundreds of years.

Some of us just aren't 'wired' for that, strange as it may seem to you. It's not always the answer and rarely solves anything.

[Geekfreaklover]

Nice first post.

Have you considered mastubation?

[DaffyDuck]

Do not expect, or hope, for sex to increase in frequency once married. From everything you described, it's not a priority for her - if it were she would find ways to make the time more frequently.

As someone else pointed out - it doesn't seem as if you are very compatible, sexually. Since this is a priority to you, do not expect things to change.

As someone else suggested - compartmentalize. Enjoy her for the company, find a secondary girl for the sex. It's how these things are handled.

[Boo]

ladies section is for women living, working or from thailand, not a section to discuss thai woman.

Moved to Pub.

[poanoi]

3 times a month ?!

lucky bastard, i've had an average of once every 2nd month for the full 3 years

of this relation.

Hopefully my ex will want to be my mia noi, and i suggest you get a mia noi ASAP too,

or you might get stuck in a miserable relation for 3 years.

Edited October 22, 2012 by poanoi

[ianwuk]

It may be because Thai women who want to be classed as 'good' do not want to have sex too often for fear of being looked upon in the same way as bargirls (sounds stupid I know). Also, sex is not really a big thing to many women here. My ex told me the same thing, I wanted sex frequently, she did not, and she said that if we did it too frequently then it means it becomes less special if that makes sense. It may also be that the woman is also too tired/stressed to think about sex all that often also and so rushing her to have it more frequently will definitely not help things and, as ever, might bring in to play the 'you only want me for one thing' card.

If so, then, in her eyes, you will always be no better than a sex tourist (no matter how long you abstain to try to redeem yourself). If sex is really a big part of a relationship for you then consider moving on as most Thai women still see sex as taboo and dirty and so you may be in the same boat with the next woman you meet also. As you have read from others, sex in Thailand, unless with bargirls, is no way near as frequent as you are requiring or wish/hope it to be.

[Headgame]

It may be because Thai women who want to be classed as 'good' do not want to have sex too often for fear of being looked upon in the same way as bargirls (sounds stupid I know). Also, sex is not really a big thing to many women here. My ex told me the same thing, I wanted sex frequently, she did not, and she said that if we did it too frequently then it means it becomes less special if that makes sense. It may also be that the woman is also too tired/stressed to think about sex all that often also and so rushing her to have it more frequently will definitely not help things and, as ever, might bring in to play the 'you only want me for one thing' card.

If so, then, in her eyes, you will always be no better than a sex tourist (no matter how long you abstain to try to redeem yourself). If sex is really a big part of a relationship for you then consider moving on as most Thai women still see sex as taboo and dirty and so you may be in the same boat with the next woman you meet also. As you have read from others, sex in Thailand, unless with bargirls, is no way near as frequent as you are requiring or wish/hope it to be.

I think you are just reporting on your own experiences. My "survey" generates a different result.

Are you really serious when you say Thai women (bar girls excluded) see sex as taboo and dirty??? This is 2012 not 1912. The old good girl vs. bad girl BS has been done to death and surely by now, most people recognize when it comes to sex, those lines are blurred.

Today, sexual frequency is typically more of a personal or relationship issue vs. cultural. Everyone watches TV or goes to the movies and sees how it is around the rest of the world. Sex is not taboo or dirty - it's natural and beautiful, pleasurable and fun - even for Thai women.

Makes me appreciate my Thai lady even more. We enjoy a little playtime 2 - 3 times a week and she still rocks my world after two years. I'm a lucky man.

[TongueThaied]

You should read Thai Fever. It is available at bookstores all over and is an excellent read about East/West relationships. The book features both Thai and English so you and your girlfriend can read it together. It covers some of the questions you raise.

[ccarbaugh]

... hmmm, my experience tells me that just below the surface, The vast majority of Thai females still regard sex as dirty, taboo, not-fun, undesireable, and not an important (or frequent) part of a "love" or marriage relationship. Hence, Massage Parlors, Mia nois, giks,....

[Tatsujin]

Have you tried talking to her and explaining your 'issues/concerns' and see if you can come to some kind of agreement or understanding?

[tinfoilhat]

i dont know where you people are meeting your women, but remarks like this really do not hold any water in my experience: "The vast majority of Thai females still regard sex as dirty, taboo, not-fun, undesireable, and not an important (or frequent) part of a "love" or marriage relationship."

what a laugh.

[personchester]

Please bear in mind that this is entirely a private matters between you and your girl friend and should therefore not be publicized.

You most be aware of he fact that humans have different favourable and desirable aspects in life, if in terms of sex she is not suitable to you, then there is only one decision for you to make --- bye bye love.

[pigeonjake]

i think your doing well,

her perents acording to you, still think she,s a vergin,

ie not having sex before married,

[xylophone]

Ever thought that she may not seem that keen on sex at the moment because in effect she is going against her parents wishes and thereby "cheating/lying" and she feels bad about it??

Living a lie is not easy and the deception and shame she feels may be holding her back. The only way you will really know is if YOU discuss this openly with HER, not on a forum. Then you will know from her perspective, not others.

[MrRed]

Maybe if you have a high sex drive and she doesn't .....you are not suited! better to find a lady who has similar sex drive to you at the start and move on.

Being from a conservative background or family mean nothing as to sexual awareness and habits,just in my experience of course

In my experience of sex in love.... the women are more dominating and wanting than the men,maybe she is not really in love with you then

[DrTuner]

Some one once said that to understand other, you should step in their shoes. Sounds interesting, let's try that, let's pretend to be the mother in the Thai Hi-So family. Here goes:

Oh oh, what is a mother to do. After all those years grooming and prepping, still none of the other bona fide families have made a proposal. How the times have changed, now they just let their sons drive

Ferraris and do Coke. Now she's past best before already, no way can I let Somchai the motorcy taxi have her, grandmom would raise out of her grave in China and haunt me forever, no amount of burnt paper

money would appease her. Should I ask husband's mia noi for advice or Khun Nuttawachaphrathisawidatungtseporn next door. Oh, what is a mother to do in these wicked days.

Hold on a second, what about that farang Khun Dingakhaboombumtsididgeridoodam has as son-in-law ? Yes they are a bit strange, torturing themselves with their monogamy ideas, getting tennis elbows and not even speaking Cantonese. But they do have white skin, maybe one could be half presentable. They don't seem to be so picky about the best before date either, this could work. Put an ad on one of those market places, now what were they called again .. ah yes dating websites. Yes, yes, it is the way to go these days. Perhaps one of the mia nois of the husband could fix the farangs problem, after all it isn't nice to have a son-in-law with hair on his hands and gone blind. Strange they are, bit of khwais, everybody else know the way of a decent Sino-Thai wife and a few of those Isaan mia noi's is the key to happiness. Silly things. Oh well, let's put the ad in there, this ought to be sorted out in a couple of months. Have to be quick though, got a date with the kik in ten minutes..maybe I'll just copy another ad.

[TommoPhysicist]

Plenty of girls around, if this one doesn't like sex and you do it isn't going to work out.

Find another girl who fits more with your physical requirements.

PS

The bit about not touching in public is BS, if she likes you she will find moments to touch you.

She doesn't appear to like you very much, move on.

[KeyserSoze01]

Some women, even Thai women, do not have a high sex drive. If the OP has a higher sex drive than his GF, then it will never get any better and he will eventually start looking elsewhere for satisfaction. So, make a decision. Do her positive qualities outweigh the negative of having a low sex drive? In not, move on. If so, keep her and find a gik. Or maybe 3.

[CountSaintGermain]

Some women, even Thai women, do not have a high sex drive. If the OP has a higher sex drive than his GF, then it will never get any better and he will eventually start looking elsewhere for satisfaction.

Good post. It's called sexual incompatibility.

Happens a lot. Major cause of divorce. Been there, seen it, done it.

[wellred]

We're you her first? If so it may take a while for her to get used to it before she can move into the stage of enjoying it. Introduce her to felatio ect.

[Geekfreaklover]

We're you her first? If so it may take a while for her to get used to it before she can move into the stage of enjoying it. Introduce her to felatio ect.

Who's Felatio? Mario's brother?

[wellred]

At the risk of going into graphic details I'm not going to delve any deeper on fellatio but I'm sure the OP gets the jist.

For you though... Google is your friend.

[petermik]

We're you her first? If so it may take a while for her to get used to it before she can move into the stage of enjoying it. Introduce her to felatio ect.

Who's Felatio? Mario's brother?

Felatio is a salad that has (supposedly) aphrodisiac powers if you can mix the ingredients expertly

[DrTuner]

We're you her first? If so it may take a while for her to get used to it before she can move into the stage of enjoying it. Introduce her to felatio ect.

Who's Felatio? Mario's brother?

Felatio is a salad that has (supposedly) aphrodisiac powers if you can mix the ingredients expertly

I hope it's not like somtam which you have to beat with a stick.

[fletchsmile]

Sounds an easy one to me. Tell her you really enjoy making love with her, and wish you could do more often, and what does she think about that?

Back up question. After that ask generically do Thai people tend to make love more after getting married compared to before getting married.

Should get plenty to think about from the answers. Just try not to imply that you are thinking about getting married - unless of course you are

[HeavyDrinker]

Serious answer: Forget about cultural differences and ethnicity and concentrate on the male/female aspect of the relationship.

That divide is the one which needs to be conquered first and foremost.

There are enough blokes around who have been poor in relationships all their lives and come to Thailand expecting something different but once you boil away the bones the fundamental dynamic is always male/female related and seldom down to culturally motivated factors.

All of the nonsense you read about "greedy Thais" spoiling a relationship are merely a cover for the failing of the basics.

This said, a degree of understanding what makes her "tick" from a cultural perspective will no doubt help, however concentrate on her as a woman first and foremost and the rest will fall into place.

[CountSaintGermain]

Serious answer: Forget about cultural differences and ethnicity and concentrate on the male/female aspect of the relationship.

That divide is the one which needs to be conquered first and foremost.

There are enough blokes around who have been poor in relationships all their lives and come to Thailand expecting something different but once you boil away the bones the fundamental dynamic is always male/female related and seldom down to culturally motivated factors.

All of the nonsense you read about "greedy Thais" spoiling a relationship are merely a cover for the failing of the basics.

This said, a degree of understanding what makes her "tick" from a cultural perspective will no doubt help, however concentrate on her as a woman first and foremost and the rest will fall into place.

Good post. Well written.