Control Freak Farangs

[HardenedSoul]

I'm sure most would agree that it's typically the male that does the domineering in these kinds of abusive relationships. That you formed part of the minority where the reverse was the case doesn't change that

Most surveys indicate that it's a fairly 'equal opportunities' thing.

Men just are less likely to admit it happening to them.

Probably due to the type of attitude you display in your post.

Well for someone who does his level best to come over all macho and "I-wear-the-strides" in pretty much any post he makes on relationships, I'm inclined to believe that your reluctance to admit it was very much homegrown.

My attitude is that it could never, ever happen to me.

[Fgis]

And adult who receives bad treatment is often someone who accepts it or even like it...

Thai are not forced of anything, not even work, so I think it's her business to accept this, not yours.

Any guy who would come and tell me how to treat my wife would regret it.

[Rob8891]

And adult who receives bad treatment is often someone who accepts it or even like it...

Thai are not forced of anything, not even work, so I think it's her business to accept this, not yours.

Any guy who would come and tell me how to treat my wife would regret it.

Oooooh! You are so masterful

[krisb]

Are you talking about prostitutes or is it just a coincidence that you talk about Pattaya in this post and many of your other posts?

Not that prostitutes deserve abuse more than other women but it is another ingredient in the mix for finding reasons for this.

If some men treat their wives as some kind of property , it could be because they have, in fact, paid for them.

So are you saying she asked for it?

[Bluetongue]

The OP refers to behaviours which are extreme, locking her up, controlling her dress and makeup, access to friends or family and finances. Most respondents to the topic (as opposed to the sub topics which have invariably developed) agree that the behaviour is a problem but not in their own relationship. I believe them. The point I want to make is that in most relationships there is some give and take over some of these things. For instance I do not have anything to do with my wife's wardrobe or makeup except when she asks me if I happen to be there when she is buying something and I might say " thats a top for an old bag dont buy that". She asked for my opinion and got it. It does however annoy me a bit when she buys clothes for me without asking whether I like them or not. I tell her and that lasts until she forgets.

But management of joint finances is something where I (and I suspect others) have to navigate a path that is neither control freak or pussy whipped. Most expenditures I am happy to let the wife go, she does most of the shopping and bill paying etc and its just frankly easier that way. However on discretionary expenses such as gifts, when to replace major household items, tambun (not a full list what came straight to mind) I make my opinion known and try to get outcomes that are reasonable, given that our funds are finite. The wife has a tendency to not think with that side of her brain that is financially sensible (cant remember whether its left or right) when it comes to these things. So in negotiating, limiting access to some funds might be one of my cards. Even if I dont play it I still have it up my sleeve does that make me a control freak.

[StreetCowboy]

And adult who receives bad treatment is often someone who accepts it or even like it...

Thai are not forced of anything, not even work, so I think it's her business to accept this, not yours.

Any guy who would come and tell me how to treat my wife would regret it.

And why's that then? Is it because you are a violent thug?

Or because you would engage them on discourse on the privity of marriage until their eyes glazed over and their beer grew warm?

SC

[krisb]

Threads like this give me nightmares.

Edited December 22, 2012 by krisb

[TommoPhysicist]

But management of joint finances is something where I (and I suspect others) have to navigate a path that is neither control freak or pussy whipped. Most expenditures I am happy to let the wife go, she does most of the shopping and bill paying etc and its just frankly easier that way. However on discretionary expenses such as gifts, when to replace major household items, tambun (not a full list what came straight to mind) I make my opinion known and try to get outcomes that are reasonable, given that our funds are finite. The wife has a tendency to not think with that side of her brain that is financially sensible (cant remember whether its left or right) when it comes to these things. So in negotiating, limiting access to some funds might be one of my cards. Even if I dont play it I still have it up my sleeve does that make me a control freak.

I control my money and property.

She controls her money and property.

Isn't that the most sensible way for things to be?

[Neeranam]

But management of joint finances is something where I (and I suspect others) have to navigate a path that is neither control freak or pussy whipped. Most expenditures I am happy to let the wife go, she does most of the shopping and bill paying etc and its just frankly easier that way. However on discretionary expenses such as gifts, when to replace major household items, tambun (not a full list what came straight to mind) I make my opinion known and try to get outcomes that are reasonable, given that our funds are finite. The wife has a tendency to not think with that side of her brain that is financially sensible (cant remember whether its left or right) when it comes to these things. So in negotiating, limiting access to some funds might be one of my cards. Even if I dont play it I still have it up my sleeve does that make me a control freak.

I control my money and property.

She controls her money and property.

Isn't that the most sensible way for things to be?

When we got married we decided to share everything.

[Gary A]

5555 As soon as I saw Gary's name I knew he'd be writing about the assertiveness of Issan women, and I agree with him.

My wife's feminine but when a local youth started throwing pebbles at one of our daughters she went up to him with a 'jorb', the Thai spade, thrust it under his chin, blade against the neck and told him she'd sever his neck if he continued!

But Gary, I'm worried about your 'no dress ' remark. Surely your wife has some 'par sin', Thai silk sarongs? Every respectable Issan lady needs at least 2 or 3.

One further question whilst I'm at it, what in the end happened to Maizefarmer? Did he have an accident and was he ever in Loei?

My wife has several of those wrap around things, whatever you call them. I don't think any of them are silk, just plain printed cotton. She wears them around the house and yard.

Maizefarmer is still a mystery. Since I live near where he said he lived, I tried to set up several meetings to see some of the equipment he supposedly had for sale. That never happened. I am of the opinion that he was living a fantasy life.

[TommoPhysicist]

When we got married we decided to share everything.

That's just silly.

Edited December 22, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[thequietman]

Tying the wife down so she cant move is a stupid and pointless exercise.

If you are going to tie her then leave at least enough rope so she can get into the kitchen incase you get hungry on the way home.

[metisdead]

An off topic anti-muslim rant has been removed as well as a reply.

[rene123]

I think some here are taking this topic far too personal. Anyone with half a brain should know what the OP was talking about. And JDGRUEN made some very good points about the accepted abuse in some Islamic cultures. It's not an Islamic "rant". It's just the truth, and abhorrent by most human standards.

Relationships should be about sharing. Unfortunately, not everyone is mentally stable enough to manage simple things like finances. I've had female friends in Canada who were terrible with finances and used their credit card like it was free money. A few others had gambling problems and destroyed their marriages by blowing their husband's salaries that were meant for mortgage payments and food. In cases like that a bit of "control" by the husband might have saved their relationship. But, that is a far cry from what the OP was talking about.

Some men want to control every little thing a woman does, says, wears or just thinks. However, some women actually choose men like that, and go from one control freak to another. I think that might have come from an abusive childhood where the girl never thought she was good enough.

There is no excuse for physical abuse at all. If it comes to that then the abusive partner needs serious counseling.

However, it is understandable why some relationships become abusive. Jealousy is one ugly problem and it's hard to say how to prevent it from happening. Men who choose much younger partners and then expect them to sit at home alone have only themselves to blame if the women gets angry or starts shopping around on her own.

[GuestHouse]

It's not just a Farang problem it happens all over the world in all cultures. It's a worldwide womens rights issue not a Farang in Thailand issue.

You seem to know a lot of Farangs with problems from the women abusers to the emasculated ..... Maybe you need to find a better circle of friends or casual aquaintences.

You might find it a suprise but I don't have any aquantences that are women abusers or as you call it "pussy whipped". And my guess is most other people don't either , so why you ? What is it about you that attracts you to these people ? Or what is it about them that you are attracted to ?

I'm not being critical or making any assump[tions about you I'm just curious as to how you find yourself amoung these people when most people don't.

The reports being made by others here in this thread indicate your assumption that it is only me who knows abusive farangs is entirely ill founded.

Since the basis of your assumption is at fault it follows that the other assumptions you make from that first error are also without a solid basis.

[GuestHouse]

While I try to be precise in my use of language when I post it seems I nevertheless need to clarify a few things:

Perhaps some emoticons and a national flag to identify your country of origin would assist the general readership to understand.

I think not.

There's enough use of the argumentum ad hominem around here already without giving the intellectualy challenged a nationality to rant against in substitute for adressing the topic under discussion.

[GuestHouse]

Another racist anti-farang thread which just demonstrates the insecurities of a White Knight.

Yawn....

I realise this topic might be a liitle uncomfortable for some.

[ravip]

for the most part a lot of farangs living in Thailand are "damaged" in someway, typically because of their previous relationships in the west or they have always been nutjob's

This sentence speaks volumes in itself - but impossible to accept, for some.

Edited December 22, 2012 by ravip

[samuibeachcomber]

That all sounds rather sad. I see more of the opposite from mixed couples living in Thailand. Guys who seem to have been voluntarily castrated when they moved in with their girlfriend and are no longer able to come out for a drink without their other half tagging along to keep an eye on them.

The version I hate is when the guy gets a phone call every 10 minutes when he is out with friends. Switching off doesn't work because she will turn up 20 minutes later to find out what's wrong with his phone.

Tell me about it. And the guys it happens to always seem to be normal, healthy males - no clue that they are about to turn into a big jessie as soon as they start dating an evil Thai lady (*joke*). My other half never seems to care where I go or what I do when I go out - which I suppose should worry me a little!

yes,she either trusts you or she does n't care.I'd like to think the former.

[samuibeachcomber]

Another racist anti-farang thread which just demonstrates the insecurities of a White Knight.

Yawn....

I realise this topic might be a liitle uncomfortable for some.

not at all,i think its an open honest thread,if some people cant take it then they can just look at another topic.

[TommoPhysicist]

Some men want to control every little thing a woman does, says, wears or just thinks. However, some women actually choose men like that, and go from one control freak to another. I think that might have come from an abusive childhood where the girl never thought she was good enough.

Some women want to control every little thing a man does, who he sees, who his friends are, who he is allowed to bring into their home, how he spends his money, etc., etc.

What I dislike about this thread is the misandry demonstrated by so many posters and the actual topic title, (foreign) 'men are evil' is the OPs cry, but that (and assorted other posts) just shows the bigotry of the various posters. Just as many women behave like this as men. A particular nasty cultural turn of events in Thailand is that many Thais seem to think domestic violence is acceptable. I would like to point out that violence towards any other human being is completely unacceptable and there is no valid reason why anyone should just use that tired old stereotype that domestic violence is mainly (or totally) about men hurting women.

Edited December 22, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[GuestHouse]

TP, I agree entirely with what you say about domestic violence being very much more than violence by men against women, a very valid point and one I'm glad to see you make.

But please do not tar this as an anti foreign thread, I am raising an issue ( substantiated by the reports of others) which exists in some Farang/Thai relationships. An issue which relates to a set of behaviours which most here find abhorent but which are seemingly not uncommon.

As I have explained, the membership of this forum is predominantly Farang males who are either in or who have relationships with Thai women.

In any thread discussing why we are in Thailand, visit Thailand or what we like about Thailand, Thai women and relationships with Thai women score high in the responses.

Clearly relationships between Farang men and Thai women are a central theme within this forum and within the lives of a large part of this forum membership.

I mentioned in my opening post that the behaviour in this topic is also frequently raised in the Thai language forum catering for the otherside of Farang male/ Thai female relationships.

Farang men abusing their Thai wives/ girlfriends is an undeniable issue.

Thai wives/girlfriends abusing their Farang husbands /boyfriends is also an issue but not the issue under discussion in this thread nor is abussive Thai men.

The "Start a New Topic Button" can be found at the top of the page for those who wish to discuss theses other issues.

Others are reporting similar stories of abussive farangs - clearly the issue is real, in the context of this forum and the membership of this forum it has relevance.

I find the personal attacks, thinly veiled inuendo and attempts to side track or 'rubbish' the discussion interting insomuch as they jndicate some people here really are not comfortable wit discussing what is by demonstration a real and valid issue. Perhaps it is the reality and validity they find uncomforable?!

Branding the discussion (or myself) as racist, a 'white night', 'anti farang' or as 'misandry' is conspicuously an attempt to negate the discussion using the self same arguments from the weapon chest of 'Political Correctness' that many here would, on another day, rant against.

Edited December 22, 2012 by GuestHouse

[NeverSure]

Most surveys indicate that it's a fairly 'equal opportunities' thing.

Men just are less likely to admit it happening to them.

Probably due to the type of attitude you display in your post.

Very good. I was just getting ready to ask about the farangs I see at the market pushing a shopping cart as the wife decides what to buy and fills the cart. Naturally the farang pays for it. All the while the farang has a downtrodden look, is actually looking down, doesn't look happy, and won't make eye contact with anyone.

I've seen that so many times it's almost like standard fare.

Just my observations, and not implying that you said this.

[transam]

Most surveys indicate that it's a fairly 'equal opportunities' thing.

Men just are less likely to admit it happening to them.

Probably due to the type of attitude you display in your post.

Very good. I was just getting ready to ask about the farangs I see at the market pushing a shopping cart as the wife decides what to buy and fills the cart. Naturally the farang pays for it. All the while the farang has a downtrodden look, is actually looking down, doesn't look happy, and won't make eye contact with anyone.

I've seen that so many times it's almost like standard fare.

Just my observations, and not implying that you said this.

I do that cos l HATE shopping. ............. Nothing do with anything else.

[HardenedSoul]

Branding the discussion (or myself) as racist, a 'white night', 'anti farang' or as 'misandry' is conspicuously an attempt to negate the discussion using the self same arguments from the weapon chest of 'Political Correctness' that many here would, on another day, rant against.

Indeed. As the more realistic among us have said before, it's only PC when it impacts upon someone else's life.

Most surveys indicate that it's a fairly 'equal opportunities' thing.

Men just are less likely to admit it happening to them.

Probably due to the type of attitude you display in your post.

Very good. I was just getting ready to ask about the farangs I see at the market pushing a shopping cart as the wife decides what to buy and fills the cart. Naturally the farang pays for it. All the while the farang has a downtrodden look, is actually looking down, doesn't look happy, and won't make eye contact with anyone.

I've seen that so many times it's almost like standard fare.

Just my observations, and not implying that you said this.

But the downtrodden look isn't necessarily a result of being pussy-whipped is it? How many of us have been dragged around a mall by a shopping-mad partner?

That "look" could be down to sheer boredom and disinterest; whether that's in the activity in particular or the relationship in general can't be determined without being intheir presence non-stop for an extended period of time.

[chiangmaikelly]

Most surveys indicate that it's a fairly 'equal opportunities' thing.

Men just are less likely to admit it happening to them.

Probably due to the type of attitude you display in your post.

Very good. I was just getting ready to ask about the farangs I see at the market pushing a shopping cart as the wife decides what to buy and fills the cart. Naturally the farang pays for it. All the while the farang has a downtrodden look, is actually looking down, doesn't look happy, and won't make eye contact with anyone.

I've seen that so many times it's almost like standard fare.

Just my observations, and not implying that you said this.

They push the shopping cart because it is easier than a walker and look down so as not to run over small children who are crawling around biting strangers on the ankle.

[Penefattore]

for the most part a lot of farangs living in Thailand are "damaged" in someway, typically because of their previous relationships in the west or they have always been nutjob's

I guess you include yourself in such "lot"

[Penefattore]

Another racist anti-farang thread which just demonstrates the insecurities of a White Knight.

Yawn.....

indeed... another pearl of cretinery from our carpet GH

[StreetCowboy]

Most surveys indicate that it's a fairly 'equal opportunities' thing.

Men just are less likely to admit it happening to them.

Probably due to the type of attitude you display in your post.

Very good. I was just getting ready to ask about the farangs I see at the market pushing a shopping cart as the wife decides what to buy and fills the cart. Naturally the farang pays for it. All the while the farang has a downtrodden look, is actually looking down, doesn't look happy, and won't make eye contact with anyone.

I've seen that so many times it's almost like standard fare.

Just my observations, and not implying that you said this.

That's me, that is. Purgatory, so it is, shopping. I hated it back in the old country and I hated it here. I don;t think there's anything racist about hating shopping, though, is there? And I don't think it's a sign of weak-willed character to be able to endure such a minor tribulation with silent, sullen stoicism.

SC

[GuestHouse]

^ as mentioned above, personal attacks rather than adressing rhe subject under discussion.

Nobody is forcing you to read that which offends you so much.