Sinsod from a poor man

[denmyos]

Me and my GF are planing to get engage this autumn.

At the moment we are doing a long distance relationship.

I of cause ask her about dowry, and got the reply,,"up to you, how much you wanna pay, it all goes back to us."

I know she is "kreng jai" me, but i wanna do the respectable thing and pay as much as i can.

The problem is that i can only save up 150$ a month, since i'm paying child support etc.

At the same time my GF is slaving her ass of getting her business up and running so it can support the both of us, when i move down to her.

At the moment i'm stressing out, trying to figure a way to come up with more money.

I'm seeing $ signs on all my furniture etc but there is no way in hell it can come up to more that a 100.000bath.

She is middle to upper class and i want to give her the ring she deserve, and the gold that is expected of me.

But then reading about sinsod it dawned on me (guess i was a little naive) that i have to pay for the wedding and gold etc. as well.

So the dowry + ring + gold + wedding, for a 100.000bath talking about poor man's wedding.!!!!

I guess there is no real answer to this question, i'm just real stressed at the moment.

[wooloomooloo]

You seem to have set the benchmark yourself, mate.

Sin Sod is important to the extent of Kreng Jai, but nothing stopping you cutting back on the expense of the ring, gold and wedding.

Keep it real and apply extent to your finances. Explain it all to your future wife and if she is of good intent, then you'll both be fine.

[denmyos]

You seem to have set the benchmark yourself, mate.

Sin Sod is important to the extent of Kreng Jai, but nothing stopping you cutting back on the expense of the ring, gold and wedding.

Keep it real and apply extent to your finances. Explain it all to your future wife and if she is of good intent, then you'll both be fine.

I agree with you.

But its just that she working extremely hard to get her business up and running so it can support the both of us.

I wanna do my part of "deal" and show her that i'm not just moving down to her to be a gold digger.

It's just extremly stressfull to know that she is doing her part, when i can't do mine.

yes, i'm setting the benchmark for myself.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Maestro
Fixed quote tags

[David48]

My advice would be to think outside the square ...

Ask to 'borrow' the 100,000 Baht from a relative of your future Mother-in-Law.

Offer maybe 5,000 Baht for this privilege.

You have to be careful who you borrow from so that everyone's 'face' is saved.

Your gf will know who to borrow from. If not a relative then maybe a friend of your gf?

Plus, you have overcome the issue that you might not get your money back.

Don't stress too much about 'the ring' ... it plays 2^nd fiddle to the Baht Gold.

The art of negotiation is one of the keys to gaining true respect in Thai Culture.

Remember though ... one humble man's suggestion ... others will have their own advice and experience.

.

[Jasun]

If you're sure to get it back, get a loan. If not, stick it all into a massive piss up and hope no one remembers.

On a side note, it might be worth putting the thing off till you're in a better position. If want kids after she's married, the budget is gonna be tight.

Anyway, loads of people do it and manage and are happy, so good luck to you.

Edited June 26, 2013 by Jasun

[fcgprg]

Think long and hard before you go any further in this ,you have answered most of your own questions .

[thaicbr]

You say she is working to support you!

Why aren't you helping? Get a job!

Sent from my GT-P1010 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[justben]

OP seems to have found a good woman. OP, I'm proud of you!

[denmyos]

You say she is working to support you!

Why aren't you helping? Get a job!

Sent from my GT-P1010 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

I already have a job and are looking for a second job to get pay check number 2, so i can save up more for sinsod.

Edited June 27, 2013 by denmyos

[Nowhereman60]

At the moment we are doing a long distance relationship.

Have you met this gf or is this a online relationship?

[denmyos]

At the moment we are doing a long distance relationship.

Have you met this gf or is this a online relationship?

Yes

We have spend time together in my country and in thailand.

Could never get engage with one i have never met.

Edited June 27, 2013 by denmyos

[rgs2001uk]

My advice would be to think outside the square ...

Ask to 'borrow' the 100,000 Baht from a relative of your future Mother-in-Law.

Offer maybe 5,000 Baht for this privilege.

You have to be careful who you borrow from so that everyone's 'face' is saved.

Your gf will know who to borrow from. If not a relative then maybe a friend of your gf?

Plus, you have overcome the issue that you might not get your money back.

Don't stress too much about 'the ring' ... it plays 2^nd fiddle to the Baht Gold.

The art of negotiation is one of the keys to gaining true respect in Thai Culture.

Remember though ... one humble man's suggestion ... others will have their own advice and experience.

.

Whats the rush to get married?

Why take out a loan for something you cant afford?

No need to think outside the box, do what plenty of Thais do in the same situation, move in with each other then get married when you both can afford it.

[nottocus]

Sounds really dicey.

Another farang carcass for the Thai garbage heap.

[denmyos]

Sounds really dicey.

Another farang carcass for the Thai garbage heap.

Can you explain that further.?

[nottocus]

Sounds really dicey.

Another farang carcass for the Thai garbage heap.

Can you explain that further.?

Nah.....Best u find out for yourself,

Edited June 28, 2013 by nottocus

[denmyos]

Sounds really dicey.

Another farang carcass for the Thai garbage heap.

Can you explain that further.?

Nah.....Best u find out for yourself,

It would be nice if you could explain what you meant.?

[nottocus]

The gold that is expected of you...that's a good one.

Middle to upper class.....define that and why that actually matters.

GF is saving for her business.

Having to pay sin sod.

U sound like a sucker to a degree.

Think a lot before moving forward.....may just be that u need to get a grip.

Edited June 28, 2013 by nottocus

[1020]

I had my Thai wedding my way.

Cost 10k baht in total.

Lots of food and JWB for those we care about. Had a great ol' day and night. Probably less than 10 adults there in total.

Idiots spending more than that on people they don't know or care about is just silly.

After a few years here you think you should do it big so they can all get face off wasted money. After a few more years here you realize how silly it is, and you're also more in control of your testicles. You call the shots, not them.

[nottocus]

I had my Thai wedding my way.

Cost 10k baht in total.

Lots of food and JWB for those we care about. Had a great ol' day and night. Probably less than 10 adults there in total.

Idiots spending more than that on people they don't know or care about is just silly.

After a few years here you think you should do it big so they can all get face off wasted money. After a few more years here you realize how silly it is, and you're also more in control of your testicles. You call the shots, not them.

Last sentence is so true.

[1020]

And yup, what is the rush to get married?

I've always told my GF's that I will only consider getting married after 5 years of living together. My wive actually cut that short as we were living together for 4 years before we decided to.

BTW, the longer you are here, the more Alien the society and culture gets as you begin to understand more and more.

Go slowly... very slowly, trust me, that is sage advise to a 'poor man' thinking of selling his things to pay for Sinsod.

Edited June 28, 2013 by 1020

[denmyos]

And yup, what is the rush to get married?

I've always told my GF's that I will only consider getting married after 5 years of living together. My wive actually cut that short as we were living together for 4 years before we decided to.

BTW, the longer you are here, the more Alien the society and culture gets as you begin to understand more and more.

Go slowly... very slowly, trust me, that is sage advise to a 'poor man' thinking of selling his things to pay for Sinsod.

I never mention marriage, i mention engagement and sinsod.

Marriage should come if we are both comfortable being engage and we both are wiling to move on and get married.

Thus meaning in a few years.

[1020]

^ Then forget it all and just live as BF and GF for the next couple of years.

Or are you feeling pressure due to GF or self-desparation?

Either way, relax and put the whole lot off for at least 5 years. If she loves you she'll understand and be happy.

[denmyos]

^ Then forget it all and just live as BF and GF for the next couple of years.

Or are you feeling pressure due to GF or self-desparation?

Either way, relax and put the whole lot off for at least 5 years. If she loves you she'll understand and be happy.

Self-desparation.

She tells me to relax, and not think about it so much.

But i still want her to feel proud of me and not to lose face to her parents, when the day comes to show the sinsod.

[1020]

She tells me to relax, and not think about it so much.

But i still want her to feel proud of me and not to lose face to her parents, when the day comes to show the sinsod.

Don't think about it at all then. Forget it and enjoy everything else in your life. Readdress it in 5 years time.

It sounds like you have issues within that you would be better off addressing.

All the best with it and everything else.

[NBD]

Are you asking for advice on how to pay for a wedding you can't afford, or on how to get out of it respectably in the eyes of the Thai family?

If the first then the only answer is to borrow, which is a stupid idea in my opinion as you will get no lasting benefit from it but will be paying a chunk of your $150 a month disposable income into for a couple of years to come.

The second depends on the family. Can't account for their superstitions or conception of what will make or lose them face (a byword for shallow pride and vanity in my view) but if they expect you to beggar or bankrupt yourself to marry their daughter then they're probably bad news: who would want their daughter marrying into debt and poverty?

Fortunately in my experience most Thais aren't actually that vain and shallow and if you discuss it with them honestly and sensibly then it will be quietly dropped.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Sounds really dicey.

Another farang carcass for the Thai garbage heap.

I agree, another one bites the dust.

She is middle to upper class and i want to give her the ring she deserve, and the gold that is expected of me.

You have got to be joking, more like poor farm girl.

Your ages?? (you 60?, her 30?)

Her education?? (left school at 13?)

Her new business?? (beauty related?)

Edited June 29, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[1FinickyOne]

I only hope you have confided your financial situation to your wife to be - - the original custom on Sin Sod is that each family appoints a negotiator to represent them. I think you are best off to confess all to your wife, if she does not already know and let her find a solution - you are already going to sell your furniture and everything you have - so, really not much to lose. Let her figure a road to do this - if she wants it done. She may not want to bother if there is going to be nothing much [ but love] coming from your side.

[Andre0720]

My understanding is that if:

1) this bride-to-be really loves you and wants to marry you and:

2) The family considers you to be a good man for this bride-to-be

This bride-to-be will explain the situation to her family.

And you may very well end up buying a one baht gold necklace, with a promise of a monthly "salary" (which will end up in the parents bank account).

And live happily ever after...

If such an agreement cannot be reached, just figure out why....

[jpinx]

And yup, what is the rush to get married?

I've always told my GF's that I will only consider getting married after 5 years of living together. My wive actually cut that short as we were living together for 4 years before we decided to.

BTW, the longer you are here, the more Alien the society and culture gets as you begin to understand more and more.

Go slowly... very slowly, trust me, that is sage advise to a 'poor man' thinking of selling his things to pay for Sinsod.

I never mention marriage, i mention engagement and sinsod.

Marriage should come if we are both comfortable being engage and we both are wiling to move on and get married.

Thus meaning in a few years.

Get engaged and then live together until marriage time arrives after a few years. Don't have babies until married. Don't pay sinsod until the wedding day. Don't be a fool and let the gf persuade you to "invest" in HER business. Be very careful dude - you are in a very dangerous place right now, but others have been there, seen the light and survived. Good luck to you !

Edited June 29, 2013 by jpinx

[winstonc]

you dont pay a sin -sod to get engaged do you,,,you need to wise up friend,,if you cant afford everything,she should understand IF she loves you,,what about after your married have you thought about your visa/etc,,,,why are you worried about her families FACE it seems your more worried about your own,,,