My Thai wife just had a meltdown

[Soutpeel]

I have to say see seems to suffer from severe financial insecurities (perceived) Is there a cure for this?

Yes you take care of the finances.

Edited November 14, 2014 by Soutpeel

[pinkpanther99]

I've had similar situation.

It's not so much about the money as some posters are saying here.

The fit of rage and tears is because she's lost face. She's been caught in what is for her and embarassing situation. She's been found out and now rather than just hold her hands up, admit she has been wrong and apologise, the only way Thai women know how to deal with this is the rage, tears etc. It's major face loss for her.

I've had this with littlest of things.

I've given my Mrs just little tips about every day things such as cleaning up or how to treat our daughter and she's flown off in a rage as she's lost a bit of face.

It's just how Thais are.

I've also seen this happen in the work place.

When I was a 'teacher' (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) I saw the head of the English department behave in a similar way when she realised she'd photocopied the wrong info onto a handout for a staff meeting. Her reaction on that occassion was unbelievable and it all came from the fact that she thought she had lost face.

[JDGRUEN]

My opinion OP ... she won't change... there is something she was saving the money for.. This is a BAD Secret...

If it were me... Change all accounts - you only... don't keep much cash ... you a debit card for small amounts. Start paying ALL the bills, Go though the whole house and car - anywhere you and she both have private access to. Get all the money... Get her an account - put money in it for a modest budget.

Then make your secret plans -- all this done in a month - secure a place somewhere in another town, and GET OUT..

Figure out how to care for the kids... Dealing with a dishonest woman and taking care of the Kids at home - living with her is far more of a STRESSFUL situation than taking care of them other ways...

As one poster said -- Follow you gut instincts... Love make one blind -- if she really loved you - she wouldn't steal and hide money.

it is a lot of grief going -- but much more grief staying.

[Thai at Heart]

With kids it's not so easy to split.

If i were you, i'd stay until the kids are old enough to understand and won't be affect much (if at all). After all, you have been (happily?) married for 8 years so it shouldn't kill you to stay.

But do, make sure she can't use your bank account anymore and if you have joint ones then try to get out of that.

Let her get a job or just hand out cash when you think appropriate.

When the kids are old enough, your a bat out of hell sitting in a beerbar with 2 (or 3) hotties.

Play the long game yourself, my son.

Or if things get better/go back to normal, then stay with her.

And whatever you do: don't (do as some other poster said) "talk about it again" - it won't do you any favors.

Be wise grasshopper.

P.S - be wary of any close Thai male friends or family - they may be her BF.

Good advice.

I'm disappointed as I had hoped we could build a future together including buying a house and even having more children but alas that's all folly as my wife just seems incapable of putting what-ever difficulties she experienced in her life behind her, getting on-board and pulling in one-direction together.

I suppose its near impossible for a person to change perceptions nurtured in the past even when holding on to destructive beliefs causes irreparable damage to existing and future relationships.

Absolutely. Marriages rarely work if there isn't a unity of ideas and direction over important issues.

This will be very difficult to.solve

[jpeg]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

From that which I have witnessed with a friend's wife, she knows she'll find it difficult to be able to support herself when/if her husband pre deceases her. She's late 40's, not bar, but poor background and grown children have families of their own to care for. My friend is not at all well off and has his condo in his Australian son's name. No widow's pension here, so she, like many others, stash for that inevitable rainy day. Western culture dictates that shared finances aren't kept secret, in the main, and therein lies the rub. You marry someone from a poor background and have a housekeeper for life. There is no severance pay. Ergo ...

[zydeco]

My God, I wish mine would squirrel away some money instead of spending it all.

[bkkgooner]

Either leave and take the money with you OR tell her that you are taking control of all finances from now

[wprime]

There is no marriage ahead, but don't worry, you're in the best place in the world to be a single man.

[Bung]

I had a similar thing and ended up wasting another 5 years of my life for the sake of our child. Never getting those years back.....

[sipi]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

Your marriage is certainly salvageable. You're not the first person to lose trust and not the last. If the withdrawals were done with no cash stashed, or if you found wads of cash with no withdrawals; I'd be a little more worried.

Seek professional help.

[brucegoniners]

I used to live with a girl in the states. I used to keep a pretty good amount of money in my money clip. It seemed my money would go real fast. After a while I started counting and sure enough she was taking 20 dollars a day out.

I decided to count and after about 7-800 had been taken out after 35-40 days I asked her about it, showing her the piece of paper I had been tracking it on.

I decided to kick her out, because I could never trust her again.

Turned out she had a closet drug problem.

I think you should consider doing the same.

My wife may be a lot of things, but she's not a thief and I know I can trust her implicitly. You should have that same luxury.

Only you know what it is you can live with, but I know what I would do.

[MobileContent]

I think the OP should not have her confronted and should have asked her that his money will be all gone and I am now in need of money.

Maybe she would have told him that she saved some cash. If not walk away....

In the late 90's I was cheated once by a farang and lost over two million Baht in shares and cash.

I told my wife at the time that we will be broke but she smiled to me and took a shoe box full with cash of around 300,000 Baht. When I asked her how did she get the money she told me she took every day when she washed my clothes half of the money that she found in the pockets and over the years 300k was saved. She wasn't Thai however but Singaporean.

[BlackJack]

2 things come to mind

how do u know when ur wife is lying

when her mouth is open

and

whats mine is mine

and whats yours is ours

[Sacrilege]

Maybe it was a case of what had happened to her from the past? Poverty maybe? Family background? Deprivation did this to her perhaps? Talk to her, ask her.

[MobileContent]

I've had similar situation.

It's not so much about the money as some posters are saying here.

The fit of rage and tears is because she's lost face. She's been caught in what is for her and embarassing situation. She's been found out and now rather than just hold her hands up, admit she has been wrong and apologise, the only way Thai women know how to deal with this is the rage, tears etc. It's major face loss for her.

I've had this with littlest of things.

I've given my Mrs just little tips about every day things such as cleaning up or how to treat our daughter and she's flown off in a rage as she's lost a bit of face.

It's just how Thais are.

I've also seen this happen in the work place.

When I was a 'teacher' (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) I saw the head of the English department behave in a similar way when she realised she'd photocopied the wrong info onto a handout for a staff meeting. Her reaction on that occassion was unbelievable and it all came from the fact that she thought she had lost face.

You should never tip your wife for keeping the house in order or looking after your child.

If she stays home and you bring in the money that is the minimum she can do.

[makescents]

Apply for life insurance and take your wife with you so she understands what she will get in the event of your death.

Just be careful to state that she won't get anything if you are murdered.

[pinkpanther99]

I've had similar situation.

It's not so much about the money as some posters are saying here.

The fit of rage and tears is because she's lost face. She's been caught in what is for her and embarassing situation. She's been found out and now rather than just hold her hands up, admit she has been wrong and apologise, the only way Thai women know how to deal with this is the rage, tears etc. It's major face loss for her.

I've had this with littlest of things.

I've given my Mrs just little tips about every day things such as cleaning up or how to treat our daughter and she's flown off in a rage as she's lost a bit of face.

It's just how Thais are.

I've also seen this happen in the work place.

When I was a 'teacher' (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) I saw the head of the English department behave in a similar way when she realised she'd photocopied the wrong info onto a handout for a staff meeting. Her reaction on that occassion was unbelievable and it all came from the fact that she thought she had lost face.

You should never tip your wife for keeping the house in order or looking after your child.

If she stays home and you bring in the money that is the minimum she can do.

thanks for the tip

[Phoenix1312]

I honestly think she had other plans and that included leaving you. I am sorry for your predicament but I would be very wary from now on.

[IamNoone88]

Well, you did your job - which was uncovering the truth or partial truth anyway. Lying is "acceptable way of life" but your job was to find out and you did. Lesson learnt for both parties. As long as it was not for gambling, drugs/alcohol or a boyfriend, then you are still on pretty good ground. Just manage it. You have a kid to consider at the end of the day and those tears/meltdown happens in my household as well - even after 17 years ....... Asian generally, just aren't good at saying sorry, I was wrong.........

[yimlitnoy]

I also have a Thai wife and we both have a separate account, we are married to each other but our mariage contract does not say we have to share everything...

[davidmann]

does everybody loose a lot money that goes to thailand ,they say thailand is cheap ,i never found it cheap ,all my money gone ,like lot of other people ,like to read good story of great thai wife that has not spent all your money ,is there one

[quicky]

If you want the best advice listen to yourself.

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

The amount of money she had stashed would mean a big difference to me, 20K and I would give it back to her and move on, 500k wouldd be another story, and if there was a lot that couldn't be accounted for then you know what the deal is.

[Colabamumbai]

Unfortunately now it is sour dough. I understand how the poster feels. In Thailand Money is love "The more he loves me the more money he gives me" a Thai girl told me about her foreign boyfriend this week and there is no "tomorrow".

If you could pick one mango from the tree today, or not pick it and have 100 mangoes tomorrow. That single mango would be picked quickly. This is Thailand.

[Bkklocal]

WOW, this is a good one.

Be a hard ass ( nicely) , don't put up with that like a chump, Don't be the chump!

Make it right like this, get all the money, stick it back in your account - cut her off it, if you can;t transfer all your money in to a different account, give her an allowance fortnightly at a fixed rate.

I'm predicting the Thai love will not have a future after that - and seriously if it does get worse, then time to go get some friends at the local bar to help you through the breakup part. It really is better sooner than later, if she is like this intently, then your not the only guy in the world for her, there will be another and another. With those excuses - and these actions, ....wow. Just Finnish it and be as strong as you can. It's hard to believe your not responsible for her life, but this is just chump behavior, no one needs this in their life.

Just been realistic.

Those excuses ring alarm bells, very similar to a certain 10 commandments for type _ training for tourists areas.

Edited November 14, 2014 by Bkklocal

[sipi]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

[Colabamumbai]

If you want the best advice listen to yourself.

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

The amount of money she had stashed would mean a big difference to me, 20K and I would give it back to her and move on, 500k wouldd be another story, and if there was a lot that couldn't be accounted for then you know what the deal is.

Thank God my mother in Canada stashed money away. My father drank every penny he could find. My mother was able to buy her own house after he died. She never had a drink or a cigarette in her life I buried her at 90 years.

[gb33]

Ive said it before, Ill say it again:

DO-NOT-MARRY-THESE-WOMEN

DO-NOT-LEAVE-YOUR-BRAIN-AT-SWAMPY

They will kill you, rob you, ruin you for nada.

Just saying..again..

[godden]

It's so sad when people go bad

[Bkklocal]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

Pretty hard when your been 100% open and giving /honest in a relationship, and you have someone taking a separate savings account blatantly in front of you. It's like watching TV in your home with your 55 inch TV , and her coming in and taking all the furniture as well as asking when you'll be done with the TV , "Oh no reason, you just watch tv babe", let me know when your done - sounds like a relationship we would all love - obviously it has to be dealt with. He's a giving guy, he would set a side funds anyhow - but stealing a fund is a little off don't you think?

[nithisa78]

A prayer:God of the Universes
Make available life everlasting with your endless mercy&love.
May the God of universes bestow upon us the full measure of his spirit;
Give us grace to yield to the leading of this spirit.

Best of luck, friend.