My Thai wife just had a meltdown

[David48]

Ive said it before, Ill say it again:

DO-NOT-MARRY-THESE-WOMEN

DO-NOT-LEAVE-YOUR-BRAIN-AT-SWAMPY

They will kill you, rob you, ruin you for nada.

Just saying..again..

Umm ... err ... thanks for sharing.

No need to say it again.

Run along now ...

.

[nithisa78]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

Pretty hard when your been 100% open and giving /honest in a relationship, and you have someone taking a separate savings account blatantly in front of you. It's like watching TV in your home with your 55 inch TV , and her coming in and taking all the furniture as well as asking when you'll be done with the TV , "Oh no reason, you just watch tv babe", let me know when your done - sounds like a relationship we would all love - obviously it has to be dealt with. He's a giving guy, he would set a side funds anyhow - but stealing a fund is a little off don't you think?

I think we're looking for peace makers and solutions. The old ladys are in the next room.

[Sharp]

She's readying her personal Bank balance ready to bolt if u ask me..

Good luck man.

[nithisa78]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

Thank you. The voice of reason, always welcome.

[sipi]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

Pretty hard when your been 100% open and giving /honest in a relationship, and you have someone taking a separate savings account blatantly in front of you. It's like watching TV in your home with your 55 inch TV , and her coming in and taking all the furniture as well as asking when you'll be done with the TV , "Oh no reason, you just watch tv babe", let me know when your done - sounds like a relationship we would all love - obviously it has to be dealt with. He's a giving guy, he would set a side funds anyhow - but stealing a fund is a little off don't you think?

Yes, being sneaky is bad, very bad. But look at the whole picture. She was stashing it, not blowing it. There just might be an strange explanation.

I really hope he seeks professional relationship advise before killing their relationship.

[In Search of Space]

Walk away, I put up with this rubbish for 26 years. Last year she sold land at 18 million baht, put the money in her own bank. I found out told her divorce was on the cards if she didn't return it. This led to fights & extreme arguments until I served her with divorce papers, she was shocked & now wants to give it all back, but now it can't see a future, how can you trust her again.

They will do it again if they want to, I've wasted years, don't you do the same

[David48]

Walk away, I put up with this rubbish for 26 years. Last year she sold land at 18 million baht, put the money in her own bank. I found out told her divorce was on the cards if she didn't return it. This led to fights & extreme arguments until I served her with divorce papers, she was shocked & now wants to give it all back, but now it can't see a future, how can you trust her again.

They will do it again if they want to, I've wasted years, don't you do the same

May I ask ... did you buy the land initially? Meaning using your money?

Not having a go ... just asking.

Thanks

[jpinx]

I am very sorry for the husband, but This is Thailand and marriages do not function here the same way as they do in the west. Here's an option for the OP which I've not seen mentioned. Based on the fact that she stashed the cash instead of spending/gambling it, she's not a bad lady, just a normal Thai wife.

Everything depends on how much you love her and how much you want the family to stay together. All the cowards will advise running away, but a loving husband and father will just not do that. Assuming you decide that this is an asian marriage and you don't actually fully understand the mentality behind that maybe you can consider this. If your marriage and family is worth more to you than the cash - then put the cash back where she had stashed it, don't confront her again about it because she already knows she has been caught. Sort out your bank so that you don't have a joint account with all the money in it. Pay her account every month the usual housekeeping plus a bit. You've decided that you love her more than you love that money - so let that show without talking about the money. Get insurances for her and you (and kid(s)) for life/accident with highlighted clauses of non-payment in the event of foul play. Keep close track of your own money, but pay her each month and as long as the house is running along ok, no need to talk about her money.

Let her get her face back -- it'll take time, but if you decide that you love her more than the money - you'll do it.

I've been chatting with a few Thai couples and they see nothing wrong in what she's done. She had access to money and saved for her future. The fault lies with the farang for making her lose face.

[Crash999]

Death and planning isn't something typically discussed openly in Thailand as it can be perceived as bad luck, as if it will increase the chance of it hapoening. But it doesn't mean that people won't worry. So she could be stockpiling money in the event of an emergency, not wanting to talk with you about it. Going thermo-nuclear could be the result of your not understanding this point and therefore her feelings.

As mentioned already, at least she wasn't frittering money away on gambling and drugs.

I would recommend sitting down with her and calmly trying to discuss her feelings and ask her if she is worried about this and that.

[TheSiemReaper]

Oh dear. 1. This is not a cultural misunderstanding; it's always good to blame things on "not thinking in Thai" but it's pure rubbish. Marriages all over the world are supposed to be based on trust. Yours is not.

2. How much money? It appears to be substantial if your wife is socking bricks of cash away in enough quantities that she has several stashes in the wardrobe. I'd suggest that there's a big difference between keeping 30K Baht on hand for emergencies and 300K Baht on hand so she can leave you for her Thai lover.

What you do about it is up to you. Me? I'd be looking for a divorce over this. It's not the money, it's the lack of trust. My wife and I have had some rollercoaster rides financially but we've never lied about them to each other. This includes the wonderful period when she was gambling a load of my money... But that's me and my wife. You need to work out what's right for you and perhaps yours.

[rotary]

You have to split with her, no choice really. Good luck.

[ukguyinthai]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

She does not see your relationship with her as normal. Thats why she is more than happy to lie to you,rob you of your money.

Its seems something has triggered this.And its probably a better offer than you are giving her.Possibly a younger better looking Thai man .Now thats what she thinks is a normal relationship.

Shut this gravy train down.go find somewhere quiet to lick your wounds.Count what money you have left then go enjoy yourself with as many women as possible.

You can still see your child. I know its not fair mate, but don't drag it on.

[Rykbanlor]

The voice of reason has been heard. It could have been done with absolutely no ulterior motives, but the big red flag is when she got totally nuts angry and gushed out a few random excuses.

In my experience, the angry retort like that only comes out when they know they are up to no good. If it was an innocent little saving back up she wouldn't have freaked out.

Unless the OP got mad at her first without asking questions.

Did you fly off the handle at her OP? Or did you ask nicely? If you asked nicely and this was the response, she was probably up to no good.

[jpinx]

It's very sad to see so much advice based on confrontation. Thais just don't do that in any situation, it's a wholly western attitude. Even sitting down to "have a chat" is confrontational to a Thai - and involves more loss of face. If you love your thai family you will work the marriage the Thai way, or take her to your home country where she will be the foreigner.

[richusa]

How much stashed cash are we talking about. Even as a single guy, i have records, receipts of EVERYTHING I PAY. I count my cash when I leave my house and count my cash when i get home and every oter day tally the numbers.

[garyinhuahin]

A lot of Thai wives skim. Had a friend who proudly showed me the townhome he was renting for 8,000 baht a month, with his wife handling the negotiation and all payments with the landlord. I later rented (and then bought) from the same folks and we became friendly. I eventually learned that the unit in question had actually been rented for $5,000, with wifey pocketing $3,000/mo. They were there about 4 years, so....

[moojar]

Maybe she's just sick of the font that you use.

[garyinhuahin]

How much stashed cash are we talking about. Even as a single guy, i have records, receipts of EVERYTHING I PAY. I count my cash when I leave my house and count my cash when i get home and every oter day tally the numbers.

Gosh, you sound like a lot of fun....

[sipi]

I actually had this exact problem with my farang "wife", wasted 8 years of my life (and yes; she was a sneaky thieving b1tch).

But, (and I am not being a patronizing apologist), Thai wifes are "wired" differently. They just don't understand the way we prepare for the future; superannuation, funeral plans, medical insurance...

Seriously, I would try as hard as possible to sort this out without dissolving a good family.

Hey, I could be wrong (but I doubt it); but at least give it your best shot at getting proper advice from a professional.

[slipperylobster]

Withdrawing from your account?

If yes....run.

Major breach of trust.

This is what happened to me..but was in the Philippines. On that very day, my neighbor said the landlord was complaining that no rent was paid for 7 months, the story across the street said we owed 10,000, My second (backup ATM was gone), and a wad of cash was withdrawn....all in a short period of time. Look at a gambling/debt or perhaps a moneylender scam that she must payoff quickly. I left her the same day. Cannot be fixed.

Cannot live under that situation.

[Daniel Boon]

its difficult as each situation is unique and the catalyst (that started the savings) may no longer be relevant, the goal set and locked in; I'd ask what was it that started it ...

[Krataiboy]

It is a matter of priorities. If I were you and had a daughter of such a vulnerable age, I would think very carefully before deciding the marriage was definitely over and heading for the door. Who will have custody of the child? Is it in her best interests to be brought up by one parent, only seeing the other occasionally? Broken homes so often lead to more broken lives, as I know, unfortunately, from personal experience.

You will never of course be able to trust your wife again, but, as other posters have pointed out, you can make financial arrangements to stop her from repeat offending. Who knows? She might have been chastened and shamed by being caught out (although she would never admit to this, of course) and in a mood to respond to a heart-to-heart based around what is best for the child you have raised together for eight years and to whom, I would argue, you both have a first duty in terms of commitment.

The very best of luck to you, whichever solution you choose. At least you are young enough to bounce back and reconstruct your life.

[ehs818]

You've already received enough good advice from others on this site. My advice is simple: Protect Yourself and do the following.

1) Remove all money from all accounts your wife has access to. Take the money she has stashed and open a new account in your name only.

2) Cancel all credit cards and ATMs that she has the right to use.

3) After you've protected yourself have a conversation with her telling her that those actions of hers make you feel insecure.

3) Give her adequate money to carry out household affairs. Ask to see receipts.

If she can't understand that you too have rights and feelings, bail.

Good luck my friend.

[vogie]

Private detective.

A lie detector test on Jeremy Kyle?

[SteveB2]

Yes It seems the comments reinforce my view our marriage is doomed.

Pity really as I'm otherwise happy with my little family. I suppose given what I know now I'm probably living in a one-sided loveless marriage.

What a shame my wife does not see things from an us/together point of view instead of a how-much-I-get/got point of view.

I wonder if her thinking is so entrenched she will never allow herself to live in a normal relationship and is simply unable to accept a relationship based on mutual trust and understanding instead of viewing life as if disaster awaits around every corner and one-self is all that matters.

The answer is simple - simply accept a relationship that's not based on mutual trust

• Buy a nice big safe to put your wallet in when you sleep - I chose a 1 ton Chubb safe, and its worked like a charm
• Seperate bank accounts with a reasonable monthly allowance for her.
• Keep minimum money in Thailand and be prepared for either her leaving or you being forced to leave at a moments notice, when everything goes pear shaped and...

Sounds like a pretty reasonable family life solution to me

Edited November 14, 2014 by SteveB2

[schbang]

Withdrawing from your account?

If yes....run.

Major breach of trust.

One word: RUN.

Nothing is going to change. In fact it will deteriorate as she has lost face, and will ALWAYS be remembered by both of you.

RUN....

[skippy]

forgive her and quit your job.

[rayongchelsea]

You would think that all the people whom posted to leave her never had their own mothers save money on the side without pops knowing.

Bullseye.

Thank you. The voice of reason, always welcome.

I this is duffetent.

Nothing wrong in mum being frugal and putting a few bob aside, and it is a good idea.

This is pure stealing..money not given to her by her husband.

The rationale is not the same, the context is not the same.

This would appear large amounts in terms of their income..

It's all about the money.

People say at least she didn't blow it...would have given time..probable under estimated her husband..sometimes I think that the thai expression of "stupid farang" is something some Thais genuinely believe!

[thesetat2013]

This has happened to me as well althoug not with my thai wife.

First and foremost! You need to search the whole house and all of her belongings and even yours. Assuming she has been doing this for 8 years she must have many such hiding places. Dont be surprised if her family is holding a bank book for her as well.

You have already been told to change cards and pin #s and start to control your money carefully. If she was serious about saving for the kid then offer to open an account in the kids name and have the bank know hers and your signature together are required to withdraw any money from it.

If she is worried about when you die then get a life insurance policy with the daughter as bemeficiary. In thailand kids take care of their parents.

If you offer to do this then she most certainly will be angry her fingers cant touch the money. However, both her and her daughters future will be secure. If she doesnt accept your decision or if she continues to take your money from your wallet ir banks then know matter what you feel you have to go...

She has alterior motives for what she was doing other than herself and daughter. Get out while you can and dont look back because you might slip and fall down the stairs one day when she has enough of your money stashed.

If you dont think my suggestions are any good then find another way to show her future is secure and her kids without allowing her access to that money.

[Jungle Jim]

What bar or massage shop did you meet your princess in? Serious question. Where did you meet her ? Did you ever bother to learn Thai ? The dishonest ones won,t touch you with a ten foot pole. The reason why is because you understand everything going on around you. One reason they want to keep you drunk and dumb. Really . How many foreigners can you think of have made an effort to learn some Thai ? My hunch less than one percent. That leaves 99% lost and later with an empty bank account.