Visiting wife's family

[grollies]

The OP doesn't say how many times a year he has to visit.

 

If it's only a couple of times a year, put up with it you miserable sod. This can't just be a Thai thing, there were times in the UK I hated visiting relatives but, it's just what you do as a family unit.

[scorecard]

4 hours ago, Pungdo said:

I have to admit I haven't been up to deepest darkest Esaan for a very long time, like you can't be arsed going up there and getting bored senseless.

 

Not realized by many farang is the other side of the picture.

 

Wife and farang invite wife's mum and dad to come and stay in what to mum and dad is beyond luxury, they come and feel totally intimidated to be at the house and surrounded by very different processes of cooking and eating, bathing and living.

 

They don't know what to do or to say, frightened they will do something wrong or break something and for quite a few frightened if they make a mistake the farang will get angry. 

 

Plus frightened the farang will speak to them all the time in English and they will get embarrassed / intimidated that they don't know what is being spoken about in English and further they cannot respond.

 

F-I-L likes 2 or 3 cans of beer. If we're drinking I always go o to his side, sit on my knees and whisper to ask him in Thai if he would like one more. It helps to make him and his wife relax a bit. After a few visits he and his wife now do the same, if they want something they have no hesitation to come and hold my arm and whisper what they want. 

 

I learned very quickly that it's much more pleasant all around if the farang puts some effort into learning some Thai and trying to regularly communicate. 

 

When wife's mother and father (both mid 70's, me too) visit us now I always walk between her mum and her dad and hold both of their hands and try hard to make them feel comfortable. At first they were uncomfortable but it didn't take long before it became standard behavior and now they look for it. 

 

It all helps, and it makes everything pleasant and makes my wife happy - that makes me happy.

 

 

  

Edited May 3, 2018 by scorecard

[Kwasaki]

6 hours ago, cms22 said:

The wife is giving me serious jip about it all though and I feel kinda guilty

What's your reason other than boredom must be more to it, don't get why your undecided.!!

[cms22]

5 minutes ago, grollies said:

The OP doesn't say how many times a year he has to visit.

 

If it's only a couple of times a year, put up with it you miserable sod. This can't just be a Thai thing, there were times in the UK I hated visiting relatives but, it's just what you do as a family unit.

LOL! OP here. Last visit was about three years ago. LOL! And yes, I am increasingly a miserable sod. Turned 50 a few months ago, and I think I'm turning into a grumpy old man!!!

[smotherb]

2 hours ago, Autonuaq said:

Go with her take a bottle of whiskey some beet and other stuff with you.

Drink with all people there and when back your wife will not forget what you did for her.

Yeah, a good party is always a great warm-up. After a few drinks, the language barrier, the shyness, the apprehension, the differences all seem to disappear.

[JLCrab]

Since both the parents are dead, the differences also all seem to disappear.

[Dmaxdan]

OP the simple question is do you ever ask your wife to accompany you to places or events were she is potentially going to be a bit bored? Is she happy to go? If the answer is yes then you need to return the gesture and go and visit the in laws. It's called give and take and its an important part of a successful marriage.


Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect

[Andyfez]

Why don't you book a hotel nearby?

Then you can show your face, and disappear again.

[grollies]

34 minutes ago, scorecard said:

 

Not realized by many farang is the other side of the picture.

 

Wife and farang invite wife's mum and dad to come and stay in what to mum and dad is beyond luxury, they come and feel totally intimidated to be at the house and surrounded by very different processes of cooking and eating, bathing and living.

 

They don't know what to do or to say, frightened they will do something wrong or break something and for quite a few frightened if they make a mistake the farang will get angry. 

 

Plus frightened the farang will speak to them all the time in English and they will get embarrassed / intimidated that they don't know what is being spoken about in English and further they cannot respond.

 

F-I-L likes 2 or 3 cans of beer. If we're drinking I always go o to his side, sit on my knees and whisper to ask him in Thai if he would like one more. It helps to make him and his wife relax a bit. After a few visits he and his wife now do the same, if they want something they have no hesitation to come and hold my arm and whisper what they want. 

 

I learned very quickly that it's much more pleasant all around if the farang puts some effort into learning some Thai and trying to regularly communicate. 

 

When wife's mother and father (both mid 70's, me too) visit us now I always walk between her mum and her dad and hold both of their hands and try hard to make them feel comfortable. At first they were uncomfortable but it didn't take long before it became standard behavior and now they look for it. 

 

It all helps, and it makes everything pleasant and makes my wife happy - that makes me happy.

 

 

  

Nice post.

[scorecard]

38 minutes ago, cms22 said:

LOL! OP here. Last visit was about three years ago. LOL! And yes, I am increasingly a miserable sod. Turned 50 a few months ago, and I think I'm turning into a grumpy old man!!!

 

 

50, your a baby, get some time up!

 

 

 

[Moti24]

2 hours ago, colinneil said:

Give your wife a bit of cash tell her you go see your folks, have a good time, better you go alone so you can spend time with your family, and not worrying if i am happy.

Take no notice of people on here saying you should go it is your wifes folks.

Issan in/outlaws are a pain in the a++e, i had an electric gate fitted to keep the buggers out.

Wiring the gate handle to the electric is a bit extreme, don't you think!  Get some ducks and chickens in the garden; make them feel at home.

[cms22]

3 minutes ago, Moti24 said:

, i had an electric gate fitted to keep the buggers out.

Love this! Great idea! Electric fence to keep the inlaws out! LOL!!

[Moti24]

3 minutes ago, cms22 said:

Love this! Great idea! Electric fence to keep the inlaws out! LOL!!

Remember!  You didn't get the idea from me!

[The manic]

3 hours ago, csabo said:

My problem is my wife's family loves me too much. I'm like a celebrity when I go there. The food and drinks never stop coming and they keep pulling me by the arms into different groups to chat me up. It's literally exhausting having to be so entertaining for me who usually likes to be alone. Her two sisters families debate over who we should visit next and I have to be careful what promises I make because they get so disappointed if I can't make it. I'm not complaining it could be a lot worse. One of the best things about my wife is her family. I got lucky there. 

Put your head in a book or movies on Tablet. Do not smile as it indicates distance and superiority.  Or flirt like mad with one of your wife 's pretty relatives to make her jealous so she won't want you there in the future. 

[scorecard]

5 minutes ago, cms22 said:

Love this! Great idea! Electric fence to keep the inlaws out! LOL!!

 

OK, but don't be surprised when we get the post to mention that the farang mistakenly put his hand on his own electrified fence and he fried in 20 seconds. 

 

San num naa.

 

 

 

[maximillian]

Visited Thai friends recently in the deepest Isaan. Nice people they are.

No hotel close by, so we had to stay with them.

What I didn't appreciate: The bathroom, the bed, no privacy at all, the noisy TV,

some food, the mess all over the house and everybody talking at the same time.

Okey, it was an experience but no need to have it again.

OP, I do understand you.

[SidJames]

4 hours ago, csabo said:

My problem is my wife's family loves me too much. I'm like a celebrity when I go there. The food and drinks never stop coming and they keep pulling me by the arms into different groups to chat me up. It's literally exhausting having to be so entertaining for me who usually likes to be alone. Her two sisters families debate over who we should visit next and I have to be careful what promises I make because they get so disappointed if I can't make it. I'm not complaining it could be a lot worse. One of the best things about my wife is her family. I got lucky there. 

You're a very lucky man indeed.

It must be a reflection on both the family & yourself that you have so much love & emotion shown to you.

It's not on tap on most places & apparently even less so up country over here for us foreigners.

People who are loved & have company of people who they love are known to live longer & happier lives.

Count your blessings & see what time you feel happy sharing with them.

I believe that you will be happier with them in your lives some of the time than not.

There are prices to be paid & see how much your can afford of yourself for them.

To me you appear to be blessed.

[sipi]

The only reason we go to Thailand every year for a few months is to visit the wife's family and I thoroughly enjoy it.

[mentalcolonization]

For me, i have no issues going to my wifes family. It usually very fun to me. Luckily we live just a couple of kilometers apart. I usually sneak out and go with her brothers for some party time. I visit her family, go on outdoor trips. visit the farms, do some fishing at the pond while eating a variety of food.  Its always fun to be around them plus we share the bills for the drink. Wify told them that everything will have to be 50-50, i am so comfortable with that as we are on the same page. wifes mother is a golden heart. wifes dad hardly speak, dont drink but smoke. Just wai and he is off with his gangs. No one ask anything from me. My wife made it clear to them,she said she doesnt ask anything from them so it should be mutual. All was understood. Mother is happy with the little things we buy for her and her monthly allowances. This makes my family the best to me. I dont have to worry about anything 

[The Deerhunter]

10 hours ago, Kwasaki said:

 

Go by air and taxi and have a beer and relax in a bar up north, come on it's your wife's ma & pa have a bit of heart.

AGREED. He should be thankful for his situation.  Myself and several others I know live with one or more in-law.  Would he care to swap? 555.  Man up.  It is only for a day or 3, surely.

[The Deerhunter]

3 hours ago, maximillian said:

Visited Thai friends recently in the deepest Isaan. Nice people they are.

No hotel close by, so we had to stay with them.

What I didn't appreciate: The bathroom, the bed, no privacy at all, the noisy TV,

some food, the mess all over the house and everybody talking at the same time.

Okey, it was an experience but no need to have it again.

OP, I do understand you.

Been there.  Agree.  Some food, table manners and everyone talking at once.  Over Xmas New Year I need??? a heated shower too.  And a western toilet!!!

[sead]

Cant they visit you?

[Icha]

These are old country folks. Tougher for them to fit the urban life. I also understood that in their culture (or in other Asian countries too), marriage is social, and not just between individual man and woman. So, I made an effort to make my stay a bit more comfortable there. 

- The bathroom was really a wooden outhouse with a clay pot of water. In the second time, my wife suggested using the aunt's living next door, which was at least tiled and with running water. If the folks stayed longer there (they moved into her sister's when got old and sick), I would have bought and fitted a western toilet and pulled in water. Labor is cheap and you can buy some comfort there.

- I used to go there stoking up the books. Changed to e-books later.

- When we moved to a new apartment, sent up the old bed. Normally, the grandma and kids sleep on it. When I went there, they naturally gave me the right to sleep on it.

- A couple of times, I rented a car nearby the airport to get there. Such a difference it made to my sanity. No longer the feeling of being stuck in a place, knowing that I could go to a nearby town or to a lake to enjoy the beauty of nature, as I wish. Definitely worth the cost. Once, I dented it, but the nearby garage perfectly fixed it and charged me the wholesome amount of 100 bht.

- Young girls (and some wives too) are always curious and make excuses to come and peek on me. I smiled at them and watched them as foreigners do. This eventually led my wife not to take me there.

 

[JLCrab]

49 minutes ago, Icha said:

<snip>

- Young girls (and some wives too) are always curious and make excuses to come and peek on me. I smiled at them and watched them as foreigners do. This eventually led my wife not to take me there.

Too bad -- the epitome of a Thai relationship is when the Thai wife/GF afterwards asks you: Was she any good?

[jacko45k]

I too haven't done a trip for 2 years now. As I get older the boredom and discomfort of it all deters me. Even the journey is an effort. For those saying go, sit in a bar, fly there, get a taxi, well you have to realize how isolated some of these people are. There are no nearby bars, you need transport when you get there. The meager offerings of local transportation are far from easy.

 

Fortunately we have come to an arrangement, I stay home looking after the menagerie, she goes without me. I got my toys at home.

[JAFO]

8 hours ago, The Deerhunter said:

Myself and several others I know live with one or more in-law. 

I do as well.

I never got to meet my Mother in law as she had passed years before I met my wife. I had heard great things about her.  My FIL lives with us and he is a funny old guy and I enjoy him being around. He works his ass off around the place to keep it neat and clean..  Our house is kind of the "Hub" for holiday gatherings. Makes it easy.  My SIL lives in Ayutthaya and we venture down from Lampang every 3 or 4 months and stay at their place for a few nights.  I really get on well with all the extended family and I do not pay for everything, in fact I pay very little they usually insist. It's just a normal type family life. 

 

I encourage the OP to go and relax it's only a few days and it goes a long way with the wife. When we go see my wifes Aunt and being I do not speak much Thai I just find something to go do. I usually bring my Drone and do some flying or take a scooter ride. 

[0815]

19 hours ago, DipStick said:

I can fully understand where the OP is coming from, why take time and spend money on a visit to the boondocks only to probably not be able to communicate or be a close part of the gathering. It’s also possible that your wife. Understands.

Being realistic, you married your wife, not her family and those who see you as a provider will just have to swallow their disappointment that you did not attend.

Stay at home and send a goodies box up with your wife.

After being married to a Thai for 10 years, one should be able to communicate in her language ???
To visit her family from time to time would be something like showing respect ???
If they live "up North" this might be around Chiang Mai or Chiang Rai ?
Not such bad places to visit and stroll around.
...and most people in the North are quite civilised meanwhile, no danger.
...your beers you can buy there too !
 

[0815]

18 hours ago, Antonymous said:

As you live a long way from the in-laws you've already made a great decision IMHO.

 

I know exactly where you're coming from. Visiting immediate family is one thing, but when all the relatives and hangers on get into the fray too, it gets too much to bear and can end in tears, even though you mean well and don't want to offend.

 

I made a decision not only to live far away, but also never to visit. The wife goes to see them on her own twice a year and every once in a while I invite the immediate family (three people) to stay at my house for a short visit. This is a good option if you have room. Or else rent a guesthouse close by. They fly and get pampered while here and they love it. Meanwhile I sleep in comfort and can get away and do my own thing while they are here. And it costs me less at the end of the day.

 

 

Are you sure that you live in the right country ?

 

[0815]

18 hours ago, colinneil said:

Give your wife a bit of cash tell her you go see your folks, have a good time, better you go alone so you can spend time with your family, and not worrying if i am happy.

Take no notice of people on here saying you should go it is your wifes folks.

Issan in/outlaws are a pain in the a++e, i had an electric gate fitted to keep the buggers out.

How sad ...

[colinneil]

38 minutes ago, 0815 said:

How sad ...

Fully agree with you, it is sad that i could never leave anything unlocked, as it would vanish.

Money/ food /beer / tools /motorbike etc.

So now you understand why i had electric motor fitted to the gate.