Educated Western Guy Settling With Minimally Educated Thai Girl: Can It Ever Work?

[Tongue Thaid]

I have been with my Thai wife for 13 years.Did the marriage thing 3 yrs ago.She is from  Isaan and has never been to school.She can neither read or write thai or English and as a previous member said I have asked her about 911,the Eiffel Tower,the leaning tower of Pisa ,ww1,ww2 etc etc and she has Absolutly no idea what I’m talking about.It can be quite frustrating at times trying to give her instructions about something,or explaining something to her a bit technical.and yes she loves those crappy Thai soapys.She can speak a reasonable amount of English so it’s not all bad.She is very good with money and I have taught her how to budget.Both her parents have passed away so no real family issues.She is highly respected in the village and takes her Buddhist beliefs seriously,Dosnt drink or gamble as many in the village do.Yes we do have the occasional spat mainly over language misinterpretations.Shes not the best housekeeper in the world nor the best cook but never stops working in the garden,and loves growing veges to sell at the market.Mowing the lawns ,pruning the fruit trees etcDespite the language barriers etc I wouldn’t trade her for the world.She is a very caring and honest lady.Im very fortunate to have met her.I hope this is a bit of help to your question

[Damrongsak]

On 6/18/2018 at 7:11 AM, somtamlao said:

 ...We can communicate but some things aren't possible, such as sarcasm. My humor is quite sarcastic but it's not possible with her so I use some of my more light-hearted silly humor. Some aspects of my sense of humor are quite dark too, but again, these subtleties are difficult to communicate when neither of us speak each other's language natively. ...

That's been my experience and we've been married over 39 years.  Not just humor, but other subtle means of communication.  It's often a struggle to really communicate.

 

My wife is a small town girl from a family of very modest means.  Vietnamese heritage.  Didn't speak English when we met, though she'd studied a bit in school.  My Thai is rudimentary, but she has a way of speaking clearly and not using fancy words.  She actually has a knack for teaching.  When we moved to the USA, she took ESL classes, got a high school equivalency degree and went on to take several classes at a community college.  She wrote a 100 page book of homespun philosophy a few years back.  I did the editing and it wasn't fun.

[Inuk]

Good evening Somtamlao, It is only you can decide at the end of day but I will hilight what has worked for me.

My wife from Isaan and I have been married now for 14 years with two great boys.

Her education had been cut short - lack of funds. Parents are poor.

Self taught pretty good English, passed the Embassy English interview, came to England and worked in a nursing home passing the required Health and Safety exams with a little study.

My principal was not to teach her or be dogmatic but to introduce and familiarise her with life in the West.

She lived and worked in the UK and now understands the streets are not paved with gold and we work hard.

Of course the benefits of a good education are obvious but I had to learn from her when we came back to live here in Thailand. There is much more to the meaning of education apart from the formal version.

 

If you are going to take your relationship further, you set the ground rules first and keep to them.

If you are going to live here, do your homework first - you really have much to learn.

Do not tell your lady all about yourself - keep back some mystery especially your finances. "Ah, but she loves me" comes the reply. Take the advice.

Be patient with your lady - sometimes they can be very frustrating and prepared for the silent treatment if you fall out. Rephrase your question if she does not understand. Thais will say yes even if they do not understand.

Why marry an educated Thai lady? Class structure - you will not fit the bill unless you are a professional or a lord.

Overall my wife is much more relaxed, has learned agreat deal and asks questions since we first met. So am I.

It has worked for me as a professional certified engineering manager who married a country girl from Isaan.  I took a little banter in the early days from my friends who put the same question to me about my wife's lack of education.  In fact I get more sense out of her these days than many of my friends in the pub. 

[GTgrizzly]

On ‎6‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 8:48 PM, somtamlao said:

 

Why don't you put some time and effort into learning to speak Thai

Communication is everything in a good relationship and this may make life easier

[GTgrizzly]

18 minutes ago, Tongue Thaid said:

I have been with my Thai wife for 13 years.Did the marriage thing 3 yrs ago.She is from  Isaan and has never been to school.She can neither read or write thai or English and as a previous member said I have asked her about 911,the Eiffel Tower,the leaning tower of Pisa ,ww1,ww2 etc etc and she has Absolutly no idea what I’m talking about.It can be quite frustrating at times trying to give her instructions about something,or explaining something to her a bit technical.and yes she loves those crappy Thai soapys.She can speak a reasonable amount of English so it’s not all bad.She is very good with money and I have taught her how to budget.Both her parents have passed away so no real family issues.She is highly respected in the village and takes her Buddhist beliefs seriously,Dosnt drink or gamble as many in the village do.Yes we do have the occasional spat mainly over language misinterpretations.Shes not the best housekeeper in the world nor the best cook but never stops working in the garden,and loves growing veges to sell at the market.Mowing the lawns ,pruning the fruit trees etcDespite the language barriers etc I wouldn’t trade her for the world.She is a very caring and honest lady.Im very fortunate to have met her.I hope this is a bit of help to your question

sounds like you have a gem there mate

[KhaoYai]

7 hours ago, oldrunner said:

More than 50 years ago I took up with a young lady who became my apartment cleaner, and it moved on from there. She spoke minimal (read zero) English. Fifty years later I'm sorry, (kidding) she learned English so well, but we are still  happily married. To answer the question, Yes, it is possible for such an arrangement to work out. Her two sons treat me as their father as do all the family. I do not speak Thai but again, not a major stumbling block.

Nothing to do with the OP but.......you've lived in Thailand for at least 50 years? You don't speak Thai?

[kg1947]

Somtamlao .....

How does your heart react and is it in sync with your brain ....?

10 yrs down the road - will you be happy with such a big difference in

intellectual divide , because sex only will be boring by then .

Are you taking care of her & her family financially  ?

If you don't or can't ..... then be fair - walk away ......

It all come down to " financial support " for her & her family ,

forget about the concept of " love & loyalty "

[Rhys]

... what ever it is works and does not work.. your choice.. go do..

[InMyShadow]

5 hours ago, Stevemercer said:

In my view, the average Thai lady (rich, poor, educated, uneducated) is not going to be interested in talking about world affairs or other things that might interest you.

 

If you want an intellectual equal, or someone with whom you can have stimulating conversations, try and find someone from your own culture. Coming from a similar cultural perspective, and sharing a native tongue, will increase the chances of success.

 

However, if you want a loyal and loving wife, and you love her, then maybe this girl will suit you. You can always find intellectual conversation elsewhere with your friends or in like minded interest groups.

 

I think that the fact you are uncertain means that you are not ready to settle down with this girl. I doubt you ever will. Maybe time to move on.

It goes deeper than that. To have a great sex life there needs to be mental stimulation for the long term not short. 

 

If the highlight of the daily conversation is what you want eat hon.. Then no wonder you see thousands of couples across Thailand with that thousand yard stare sitting in bars and resteraunts in stoney silence. It's bloody sad to see 

[Dumbastheycome]

I would  suggest  that  your only  barrier  is that  you  have already  assumed that your personal education has  granted  you   some  "intellectual " superiority.

Intellect is not only a requirement to  perform  pass  rather than  fail  in  an education system.

Those  that do  not participate  in any  high  level  educational system do  not  always/usually  lack intellect.

From  your account  of  the  situation  it would seem that she has already moved out and  upwards occupationally. 

A  reasonable  indication of  rightful  intellect.

One  greater  issue  is in  the  language barrier  which would  inhibit any sophisticated  "intellectual "exchanges anyway. At  least  in the  shorter  term.

Cross  cultural  relationships need thoughtful patience and tolerance .  If  there  is  any good  measure  of intellect then  that is the  living  test  of  it.

 

 

 

 

[ncc1701d]

I would think it very rare for one person to fulfill all the needs of another. Regardless of who you go with, they will not be able to be perfect in every way all the time. You will need to get those other things from somewhere else. So it depends if you can I get the other things you want from other hobbies / groups of similar minded people or not.

[Justfine]

9 hours ago, Tongue Thaid said:

I have been with my Thai wife for 13 years.Did the marriage thing 3 yrs ago.She is from  Isaan and has never been to school.She can neither read or write thai or English and as a previous member said I have asked her about 911,the Eiffel Tower,the leaning tower of Pisa ,ww1,ww2 etc etc and she has Absolutly no idea what I’m talking about.It can be quite frustrating at times trying to give her instructions about something,or explaining something to her a bit technical.and yes she loves those crappy Thai soapys.She can speak a reasonable amount of English so it’s not all bad.She is very good with money and I have taught her how to budget.Both her parents have passed away so no real family issues.She is highly respected in the village and takes her Buddhist beliefs seriously,Dosnt drink or gamble as many in the village do.Yes we do have the occasional spat mainly over language misinterpretations.Shes not the best housekeeper in the world nor the best cook but never stops working in the garden,and loves growing veges to sell at the market.Mowing the lawns ,pruning the fruit trees etcDespite the language barriers etc I wouldn’t trade her for the world.She is a very caring and honest lady.Im very fortunate to have met her.I hope this is a bit of help to your question

Yes, no and don't know.

[Justfine]

6 hours ago, InMyShadow said:

It goes deeper than that. To have a great sex life there needs to be mental stimulation for the long term not short. 

 

If the highlight of the daily conversation is what you want eat hon.. Then no wonder you see thousands of couples across Thailand with that thousand yard stare sitting in bars and resteraunts in stoney silence. It's bloody sad to see 

You think so? Some old guy sitting with a village woman or ex bargirl with nothing in common. Never would have picked that.

[Justfine]

4 hours ago, ncc1701d said:

I would think it very rare for one person to fulfill all the needs of another. Regardless of who you go with, they will not be able to be perfect in every way all the time. You will need to get those other things from somewhere else. So it depends if you can I get the other things you want from other hobbies / groups of similar minded people or not.

You are right. That's why you have different friends. Nobody is going to like all the same things.

[bbbbooboo]

Call me cynical(quelle horreur).... I am in a similar situation and I see the relative lack of ability to have a conversation with her as a definite plus. Arguments are by necessity very short and instead you get the 3 day “silent treatment”(yawn....another 3 days of bliss....tee hee). So in many ways it’s a win win ?

[Farang99]

On 6/18/2018 at 5:48 PM, somtamlao said:

 

The "language barrier" need be no block if you are prepared to apply yourself to learn a modicum of Thai. As for the intellectual stuff, my wife had to leave school aged 12 to support herself, but I have never known her less than acute and wise. We have been married for 20 years and, although we had some teething problems (mostly due to language misunderstandings, we have a good and sustaining relationship.

[smotherb]

If you care about her; give her a chance to learn. Send her to school to learn English and help her learn. You will see any improvement within months. If you see none; then realize it may never happen.

 

I am not in agreement with many on here who say cooking, cleaning and sex are the only important issues; they are all important, but so is being able to talk to someone, being capable of thinking and doing the things we all have to do to live. I would be more concerned with the age difference and her past. However, that is my opinion. At your age, I would prefer a good-looking, intelligent, capable, inexperienced young woman.

[BritManToo]

1 minute ago, smotherb said:

I am not in agreement with many on here who say cooking, cleaning and sex are the only important issues;

Sex is the only important issue, cooking and cleaning I can do on my own.

Edited June 21, 2018 by BritManToo

[Justfine]

Just now, BritManToo said:

Sex is the only important issue, cooking and sex I can do on my own.

"cooking and sex I can do on my own."

 

Well count me out on Xmas lunch.

[Lucky mike]

Take the plunge, the net will appear !  If you don't you will regret it for the rest of your life....."with what if ?"  Her past is not your business she has been honest to tell you about it..nothing is ever perfect.  If you listen to too much negativity you will never find happiness !  Go for it...grasp the moment.....

[BritManToo]

51 minutes ago, Justfine said:

Well count me out on Xmas lunch.

Shame, you could have been the turkey!

Edited June 21, 2018 by BritManToo

[Justfine]

6 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Shame, you could have been the turkey!

Buy a toy

[smotherb]

7 hours ago, BritManToo said:

Sex is the only important issue, cooking and cleaning I can do on my own.

You can do sex on your own too; but the OP was looking for a relationship

[ncc1701d]

13 hours ago, Justfine said:

You are right. That's why you have different friends. Nobody is going to like all the same things.

Yes, so the op has to determine if he gets enough things from his gf and those things he doesn’t can he get from elsewhere. It also brings up the question everyone has to ask themselves is what are the essential things they must have in a partner.

[MyFriend You]

On 6/18/2018 at 5:33 PM, somtamlao said:

Intellectual compatibility

I never saw anything like that in wedding vows...............if that was ever considered in the past 75 years, no farang would have ever gotten married to a Thai.............if your looking for that quote above??  Might as well go home and continue on with your life............if not, then heres my paragraph: 

My lady never went to school, not one day, she decipher exchange rates faster in her head than I can with a calculator...........she used to hide under the school window and listen to the lessons, then do the homework with her friends at home.............so forget anything abut intellectual compatibility and just enjoy her for what she is - a partner.   If you are still hung up on the intellectual thing, then Fagetaboutit.

Edited June 21, 2018 by TunnelRat69

[spidermike007]

On 6/20/2018 at 9:38 AM, SCOTT FITZGERSLD said:

Son (may i call you son? cause i'm a real troll), education is not the number of years you studied or 

the degrees you hold. education is something else.

look at donald trump. he never read books and his wife was a nude model and they

get alone just fine.

I know some well educated foreigners who married not so educated thai woman and  are

still happy after all those years, but what's common to all the success stories is that

they were focused around their work and business, and not

each other.

To put It in other words, the more time you will spend with your thai partner, the less chance

you have to survive together. and the more time you / she will spend in work, and work you like - the better

your relationships will be.

 

ohh and one more thing - make sure your woman is a real woman, or in other words, not a ladyboy.

Please, do not call me son. Nobody calls me son. My father used to, and he was entitled. But you? No way. Not for a nanosecond. I do look at Trump. What I see is a woman who would not be with that man for a minute, if he did not offer her wealth and status. She despises being first lady. It is obvious by the way she looks at him, and her body language, that they are never, ever intimate, and that she despises him, and has no respect for him. Why would she? 

[SCOTT FITZGERSLD]

12 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

Please, do not call me son. Nobody calls me son. My father used to, and he was entitled. But you? No way. Not for a nanosecond. I do look at Trump. What I see is a woman who would not be with that man for a minute, if he did not offer her wealth and status. She despises being first lady. It is obvious by the way she looks at him, and her body language, that they are never, ever intimate, and that she despises him, and has no respect for him. Why would she? 

i called you son because you said that you are not a troll, and me...look at my photo...

[BobbyL]

Spent a good % of my first six months or so here with many different birds. Coming here at 23 was a dream as I am sure you can imagine. One thing that I could never enjoy though was the lack of communication. I could not have a relationship with someone with that problem no matter how attractive they are.

 

When I met my now wife, who was highly advanced / near enough fluent in English, it was a complete game changer. 

 

You're still young enough to start looking elsewhere. 

[thaibeachlovers]

On ‎6‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 5:33 PM, somtamlao said:

It's nothing to do with thinking I'm better than her or my parents. It's to do with intellectual compatibility and is a perfectly reasonable concern in any relationship, particularly long-term. Ask yourself the same question about a Western relationship: do you see many such relationships excelling or even happening? The answer is no. It's fine to sneer; I expect that on the Internet, particularly on a forum like this, but it's a valid concern going forward. By many measures, she is a much better person than me and has many qualities I admire, hence the length of the relationship and the sacrifices I've made to continue it.

 

But you are free to continue to mock the situation and jump to conclusions about my apparent superiority complex, I just won't be addressing your replies any further if it's the case that you couldn't be bothered attempting to understand the situation or my concerns, you just want to jump to angry conclusions. 

If you are having doubts it's already doomed. Trust me, it's not going to get better.

I had nothing in common with my ex other than the physical side and I was happy with that, but you can't be happy or you wouldn't be asking on here. Even if everyone said it was OK, it doesn't mean it would be OK for you. Only you can answer your question.

BTW, I got divorced because my wife started demanding money for her family, so nothing to do with her intellectual compatibility.

[ivor bigun]

I dont think i could live with a woman who was not imtelemgunt. Well not as bright as me .[emoji5]
Seriously i have been married and lived with women and am now married 18 years to my Thai wife.i met her through business and one of the things that attracted me to her (apart from her body) was the fact that i can hold a conversation with her and she hates Thai soap operas

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