I fell deeply in love with a gorgeous lady tennis player.

Sadly, the affair did not last. Love meant nothing to her.

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year.

 

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to ...

"Ah, me back."

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.

“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”
 

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: "Because you are funny."

Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."