Hairdressers are not as good as they used to be.

When I was a kid, barbers were so confident they had given you a good haircut, they sold condoms.

I'm not saying staff at my local Tops are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!

In the ad break of a TV show last night a white, heterosexual couple were trying to sell me something.
Then I remembered I was watching an 80's show on VHS.

Irishman drove into a car boot sale wrong way round.

Sold the engine.

For Sale
One pair prescription bifocal spectacles
Great condition, only worn a handful of times.
First to see will buy.

After several hours of amateur surgery, I remembered it's not 9 Livers that cats are supposed to have.

I'm extremely passionate about preserving endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam and rhino chutney.