Bono and the Edge walk into a pub.
The barman looks up and says: “For goodness sake’s, not U2 again!”
 

A bloke was telling Paddy how nature sometimes compensates for a person's deficiences.

"For example", he told him, "if someone is deaf, they may have keener sight, or if a person is blind, they may have a very keen sense of smell".

"I think I see what you mean", said Paddy, "I've often noticed that if a fella has one short leg, then the other one is always a bit longer".

We all know where the Big Apple is,

but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quote,

I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc.

I need someone to help me sort out the terrible condensation problem in my kitchen...

Pop round anytime. The kettle's always on.

Why did Billy the kid smell of coconut?

He had a bounty on his head.

I popped into the library today and asked if they had any books on turtles.

The librarian said "hard backs?"

I said "yes, and little heads".

I lost all the fingers on my right hand in an accident and asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

Whenever my wife is upset, I let her colour in my tattoos.

She just needs a shoulder to crayon.

A friend is taking part in a social experiment... He is wearing a "I'm Backing Boris" T-shirt for 2 weeks to see how people react.

So far he’s been spat on, punched and had a bottle thrown at him.

I’m curious to see what happens when he goes outside.