A woman went to the doctor complaining of stomach pains, so the doctor gave her the once over and examined everything from her waist downwards before telling her to get dressed so that he could discuss with her what he found.

 

She asked him what the problem was, and he said, "you've got a problem with your avaries". "Don't you mean ovaries", she replied, to which he said, "not so sure about that, but there's certainly been a cockatoo up there".
 

13 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

5 minutes later ...

Transit van with full tank of diesel...

Looking to swap for 4-5 bedroom house in London.

Vladimir Putin goes to see a fortune teller, curious about his future,

"I see you in the back of a big black car, being driven down the streets of Moscow. People are lining the streets, happily cheering and smiling."

"Am I waving?" asks Putin.

"No," the fortune teller replies, "but the driver of the hearse is."

Anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax?
Please give me a shout.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead all worked at the same company and for the same female boss who would turn off the lights in her office and leave early every day…

One day, the three women decided that when the boss left they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to the office once she left for the day, so how would she know? The next day, all three women left the office just minutes after the boss.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, prepared a nice dinner for her family, and enjoyed a relaxing evening.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before having dinner and drinks with a friend at their favourite restaurant.

The blonde was happy to be home early too, but when she walked upstairs to change out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable, the bedroom door was closed and she heard a banging sound… Quietly, she cracked the door open and was mortified when she saw her loving husband in bed with her boss… She closed the door without making a sound and tip-toed out of the house, angry and disappointed…

The next day at work, during morning coffee break, the brunette and the redhead decided when the boss left early they'd leave right behind her again. They told the blonde their plan and asked her if she was in…

"Are you kidding me," snapped the blonde, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything,
while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.

The radio station is running a competition today to win either £100 shopping voucher or two tickets to see an Elvis Tribute act.

I don't know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I've had sex with loads of celebrities.

I've also got a lifetime ban from Madame Tussauds.

For sale:
10 used condoms.
No time wasters or weirdos.

I keep on having a recurring dream of ten divided by three.

I asked J.K. Rowling about Harry's father; she thinks it's James Hewitt as well.

Who believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand if you do.