Tips on how to fall asleep in a chair. . . . .
1 get old.
2 sit in a chair.

Gillette have finally brought out a razor for dyslexics.

It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

My neighbour walked by with two dogs...
I said... "I didn't know you had dogs" He said... "I don't, they are my sisters"
I said... "wow your sisters are ugly" And that's when the fight started, officer

We didn't get a single thing done at work this morning.

One of the computers crashed, and every other computer slowed down so it could get a look.

I phoned up the local asylum and asked if anyone was in Room 51.

The guy came back and said no it's empty.

"Brilliant!" I roared, "I've escaped!"

I think its a total disgrace that after only 50 years many people don't know who Neil Armstrong is, let alone what kind of trumpet he played.

On 4/25/2022 at 6:16 PM, KannikaP said:

Wonder if she's trying to put Philip off by flashing her minge !

cannot stand that woman at any price. I couldn't even watch this vid

A man walked into a car showroom.
He said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
Salesman said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
The man replied, “You have now mate".

Advice to the younger ones:
Never buy a house when horny.

I Walked away with a semi.

Apple have just released a new gadget to remove the lids from tin cans;

It really is an iOpener.

33 minutes ago, Doctor Tom said:

cannot stand that woman at any price. I couldn't even watch this vid

Aw come on, Holly isn't so bad!

10 minutes ago, KannikaP said:

Aw come on, Holly isn't so bad!

She has the kind of legs I like, feet on one end....

Come now Mildred. Get off that phone and get ready to go.

 

Now what I'd like you to do is help me reverse the pick-up out of the drive. Take this stick, and stand there (pointing). And as I reverse out, and you see a car or lorry or motor cycle coming along, whack the back with the stick. That way there will not be an accident. Your mother usually does it, but she's in town, and we have to go pick her up. And while we are there we'll get to the dentist to check those teeth of yours. You did clean them dear as I said? Mildred nodded. Good! We have to hurry as the dentist closes at 4.

 

I started to reverse out and immediately Mildred whacked the backt. I stopped and looked in the mirror to see a guy ride by on a cycle a few moments later. Good girl I thought to myself. I moved back a bit and again there was a whack. I stopped and waited a minute. A dog wandered past. Again I moved back, no more than a foot, and again; another whack. This happened a few times. Then, after a particularly hard whack, Mildred shouted out. 'Dad, the stick has broken. I walked into the garden to get a new stick. Found a nice stout one and handed it over. 'Right now dear, let's get going. Time is against us now.' 'Dad I have to go to the loo.' Off she went and returned 10 minutes later.

 

To cut a long story short, it took 20 minutes to leave the drive. We got to town and met an angry wife. 'Too late for the dentist now. What kept you?' I was a little stuck for words, but Mildred chipped in to save me; 'terrible traffic Mum; just terrible.'

 

3 hours ago, Yellowtail said:

She has the kind of legs I like, feet on one end....

and an idiot at the other end  

A troll post has been removed

2 hours ago, Doctor Tom said:

and an idiot at the other end  

Was that you in that? (just kidding)