I bought a racehorse called 'Creosote'
He's very good over fences.

Thieves stole our new tree from the front garden.
Bring back the birch! I say.

I’m just sitting pondering the big questions in life:
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I opened the front door to the gas man. "He said I need to take a reading "

I said "why are you so out of breath?"
He said "cos I've just done 100 meters"

A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband
“Honey, don't forget to buy BREAD when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you.”
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I’m with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I’m coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I’m at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I’m at work. Now that you’re at the bakery , buy the bread !

The bloody dog ran off last night. I walked round the park calling her name for 20 mins & still couldn't find her. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the bloody dog.

There was a hard frost this morning when I took my tractor to do some ploughing.
I thought I could hear tubular bells...
But it was just my cold field.

Fact:
Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?

My wife said she was off to the hairdressers, and asked what cut would make her more attractive.

Power cut was not the right answer, as I received an upper cut for my troubles.

Every now and then I like to dress up in old nuns outfits and watch Bruce Willis movies.

I guess you could say old habits die hard

Never do your trousers up whilst singing Disney songs.

I've just zippered my doodah.

I've found a Chip shop that serves fish on photo copier paper.

It's a little plaice on the A4

As I lay there, bruised and broken, with the burning and twisted wreckage of my car surrounding me, the officer strolled up to me and, with a sarcastic tone, said 'been drinking, have we sir?'

'Yes', I replied wincing through the pain.
'Well', he said, 'next time, take a taxi instead of letting your wife drive'.

Fact
Did you know that piranha can devour a child down to their bones in less than 30 seconds?
And on a side note, I lost my job at the aquarium yesterday.

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

Putin dies and goes to hell. However, since he’s used to doing deals with devils, he manages to get a day off from torment and goes home to Moscow to enjoy Vodka and see how Russia is doing in his absence.

 

The streets are clean, the shops are open, and people look well and relatively happy (for Russians).

 

At the bar, he orders 3 Vodkas and sips them slowly, watching all the people nattering about sports and boasting about business, like the KGB spy he always was.

 

Satisfied, Putin turns to the bartender and asks “how much for the drinks?”

The bartender swiftly pulls out the cashless pay-terminal and tells him: “Five Euros”.

Today was strange day, first i find hat full of money! Then angry guy chase me whit guitar in his hand!!

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My wife said she was off to the hairdressers, and asked what cut would make her more attractive.

Power cut was not the right answer, as I received an upper cut for my troubles.

Did that "short you out" KO?

9 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Bruce Willis movies.

Maybe I am a bit Dicklexis but how do Bruce's Willies move?