Was just petting my boyfriend’s dog and he said “I’m so glad you like her” and I was like “of course how could I not like her, she’s so cute” and my boyfriend was like “no I’m talking to my dog, it would be really awkward if my dog didn’t like you.”

 

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Manchester United

Manchester United are confident there new goalkeeper Mr Stevie Wonder won't let them down on Monday

 

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3 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Manchester United

Manchester United are confident there new goalkeeper Mr Stevie Wonder won't let them down on Monday

 

Stevie has pulled out injured.

Cut his fingers on the cheese grater.????????

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I might be fat, but I identify as skinny,

I am trans slender ! ????

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

 

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

 

The conversation went like this: 

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day to yerself .This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.

 

There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,

 

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . .

 

Father O'Malley then replied:

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call.

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once!"

"Alright, here's some good news" said the secretary
"You're not sterile..."

A kid on the children's ward asked, "Doctor, will you come visit me when I leave hospital?"

"Probably not," he replied, "graveyards give me the creeps."

Before the game of golf was invented,
how did we measure hailstones?

My uncle died the other day. He was a deck chair attendant.
It took them five attempts before they got him in the coffin.

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar.

But it could just be a Chinese Wispa.

BREAKING: Rishi Sunak is disgusted that so many unemployed people are refusing to do jobs that are available to them.

For example, there is this deadbeat dad who doesn't know how many children he has, who keeps refusing to go to work at 10 Downing Street