2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my mate works.
He's missing, presumed red.

I thought the explosion had come out of the blue!

Still it should be colourful funeral!

3 hours ago, DezLez said:

I thought the explosion had come out of the blue!

Still it should be colourful funeral!

Will the Eulogy contain purple prose?

If so you'll be green with envy if you miss it.

4 hours ago, VBF said:

Will the Eulogy contain purple prose?

If so you'll be green with envy if you miss it.

Stop joking.  My friend was a great hue man being.  I've had the blues since he's been gone, and my eulogy at his funeral brought the house brown.

Some British accent jokes:-

 

Women can do a much better Black Country accent than men. That’s because the female of the species is more Dudley than the male.

 

Yorkshire chap asks a goldsmith to make a statue of his dog. Goldsmith asks “Eighteen carrat?”. He replies, “Nay, chewing a bone”.

 

A Geordie chap walked into a hairdressers and asked “Can I have a perm please?” Hairdresser replied, “I wandered lonely as a cloud….”

 

I was walking through Botanic Gardens in Belfast the other week when I saw two ducks. One said “quack”. The other said “slow down, I’m going as quack as I can”….

 

A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and says “is that a cake or a meringue?”. The chap says “no, you’re right. It’s a cake”.

 

Jousting. What a Brummie asks a bee.

 

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet to be neutered. ‘Is it a tom?’ asks the vet. He replies, ‘No. I brought it with me”.

 

A man walks into a retro shop in Birmingham. He says “I’d like a kipper tie please”. Chap behind the counter says “milk & sugar?”

 

A man goes to a barber in Glasgow, and wriggles about in the chair for a second before he settles. The barber says “comfy?”. He says “Govan”.

My luggage was torn to pieces, so I asked my lawyer if I could sue the airline. He said, “You don’t have much of a case”.

A farmer thought that the barn he kept his chickens in was haunted. Turns out it was a poultrygeist. He had to call an eggsorcist.

When I got home the first thing I saw was that the "Welcome" doormat was missing. I went inside and found that the bath mat had gone too. In the bedroom all my wife's wigs, and my spare toupe had been stolen.

 

Police think it was the work of rug addicts.

 

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."

 

Seems very serious...